Day #10--A Man After My Own Heart

Today I got the pleasure of having lunch with Phil Gazley, a man after my own heart. Normally, I tend to be super shy around teachers or people of authority, but I'm getting over it and learning to approach them. Because being in YWAM, we have incredible minds coming through here on a weekly basis, specifically to share their knowledge with new missionaries, and for me to not get to know them is, honestly, a huge waste.
So, that being said, today after class I asked Phil if we could talk and he said yes, he'd love to. We went through the lunch line and sat down with our food. We spent the next hour talking about fasting, the holy spirit, monasticism, solitude, acedia, our generations paralysis from information over-load and much more. I was sitting there across from him with a plate full of food, fork in one hand and chin resting on the other, soaking up everything he was saying and it was like he was spoon-feeding my soul. I didn't even want the food in front of me, which basically never happens. So that's pretty telling of how great the conversation was. I definitely don't mean to over-glorify him--but I do want to point out that it was so nice being understood and being able to talk with someone about things that make my soul tick. I cant tell you how many times I try to talk to people about monasticism and i can literally see it going in one ear and out the other. In my opinion, monasticism and the ancient practices are key to understanding God, so it's sad for me to see so many people disinterested in it.
Anyway, while we were talking I asked him about this fast. I told him I know I feel a deep call from God to do a serious long term fast, but I've tried at least 5 times in the last few months and fail after about 3 days. I asked him what that meant or if he knew of any secret tips that help in sticking out a fast or if it might have to do with acedia. He pointed out something interesting. He reminded me that I live in a community. A community bustling with people, food and coffee around every corner. to-do lists, texting, internet and distractions abundant. He wondered if I'm getting off on the wrong foot, starting out with zeal, but burning out because of a lack of foundation (which very well could be the truth--the amount of time I've spent in prayer these past days has NOT been sufficient, even for normal routine, let alone a fast). He said I'm probably beating myself up for failing (yes) but I might just be failing for reasons as simple as being distracted. So, he suggested that if I really feel I need to fast, that I take some time away in solitude for a few days to get through the rough part and to get centered with God-- without distractions, without to-do lists. He mentioned that monastaries provide great environments for personal retreats and things of that nature. So today I researched monastaries in the Salem area and found one in a town about 15 minutes away from here, nestled in the mountains. I called them today, asked if I could come and they said yes. It was surprisingly easy. So, I'm headed there for the weekend, to give this fast another go. Hopefully God will speak some things to me about this fast, and the myriad of things connected with it. Then hopefully, I can begin to find healing and finally turn my gaze from inward to outward--I feel so inward these days I feel like I'm imploding. But my problem has been that I feel so wretched inside I literally can't turn my gaze outward. It's a terrible place to be. Anyway, I'm sure I'll get more clarity on that soon.
So, the fast is on a slight pause until Friday. I'll start again, head to the monastary for a few days and pick up the blogging when I return, unless God says otherwise. I will talk to you guys then.

P.S. Thanks for reading.