Art, Christianity and Why I Sometimes Hate Them Both

I watched a documentary called Beautiful Losers last night, a documentary about New York street artists and their collaborative art gallery 'Alleged'. Then tonight I watched Ray, the movie about Ray Charles.
If there's two things I love, it's street art and soul music. If there's two things I've never been, it's daring, risky, brooding with soul and life. I've stifled those things. Both consciously and subconsciously.

I've been observing myself as an artist lately. Sometimes I hate art, especially my own. I've been asking myself why that is. My process has been this: I'm not sure if I remember a time when I painted straight from who I am, rather than painting what I think people want to see. I've been asking myself what kind of art I would create if I began creating from the things that go on in my mind and my heart. Would I still create rigid, detailed portraits, obsessing over every line and shadow until it reaches perfection? No. I'm beginning to think my art has been another way in my life to exhibit some type of control when I'm well aware of the fact that there's nothing about my mind, heart or life that I can control. But what a relief, right? What an escape--to be able to keel over a piece of paper and perfect the face of someone else, to replicate someone else's creation with precision and perfection, knowing I can place my pencil on the page, will it to move and have it listen.

The people in my life that have affected me the most are the ones that were broken.
The concepts in my life that have affected me the most have been the radical ones.
No one has ever impacted much of anything by being perfect. 

I'm wondering how this theme of perfection in my life translates into my religion. Probably in every sense of the word. Sometimes I find myself hating Christianity because of how incredibly vapid it can be. There are times I sit in a Christian small group or listen to a fellow Christian giving me "sound advice" and all I am thinking is that there's a possible chance I'm devoting my life to complete tripe. But I shove that feeling down because it's the right thing to do, and if I voiced it or asked questions, eyebrows would be raised and people would question my salvation. People would ask me why I'm a missionary. And I get that. I mean, those are logical questions to ask. But out of all the times I loathed Christianity, I've never felt that way about God--the huge God who encompasses vitality and transcends conditioned religious thinking. That God gives me hope to sit through the person telling me I just need to pray more or have more faith. He gives me grace for our religion perverted and dumbed down with human striving and frantic attempts to construct and box-in the undefinable. He encourages me sit down alone with him, pray and get honest. I want those times with God to cross over into my art, as well as my writing.

I'm tired of creating art and writing to please others and to get praise. Anybody will tell you they like something or that it looks nice. Not many people will tell you that your work is shit, even if it is. I'm aiming to begin creating things that draw out a disturbance from those who view it--whether that disturbance is positive or negative. I want it to be more than a pretty thing to look at (although there are times for that). I want it to be what art was meant to be. Then maybe I won't hate it so much.

So you think you can dance--at CHURCH?

It's interesting how much I hear everyone give this lady crap that goes to my church. I guess I should include myself with 'everyone' because I give her crap, too. She dances during worship. But she doesn't just sway back and forth or jump up and down, even--no, she lurches and jerks around. Sometimes, during an exceptionally powerful song, she looks like she might have a seizure. This lady doesn't even have the decency to stand in the back where no one can see her--she stands in the very front row, of all places. It doesn't matter where I look when I'm singing, somehow I can always see her arm flailing or her hair bouncing. I'm not the only one who notices, because I've seen people glance at her. I've heard people whispering. Actually, I've only heard one person say anything good about her dancing, and it was from a person that's always able to see Jesus in anyone and everyone, so I shouldn't be surprised that he was the exception to this rule. Anyway, today I was standing again during worship in the center and there she was again, a few rows ahead of me--bobbing back and forth with her eyes closed, looking lost in the music, while the bassist on stage kept glancing over at her odd movements. My normal reaction to this is to roll the eyes of my heart and try to will myself out of judgment and animosity. But today I didn't feel any animosity or judgment toward this woman. I felt a weird sense of longing. Because me and this lady are complete opposites, in the worship sense. This lady lets loose and is completely fearless in her adoration of The Lord, which is as it should be. Me? My heart twists with fear and anger at every corporate worship time, wondering why the only reaction to God I can muster is completely stoic. Worshiping in solitude, I have no problem with. But when it comes to corporate worship...I'm like ice. Now, if there's one quality you can pinpoint about this dancing woman without even talking to her, it's this--fearlessness. Nothing is stopping this woman. I mean think about it--if fear is one of the major roots of depravity, then imagine what could happen if you carried fearLESSness as a prominent character trait. You could transcend a lot of things that most people would never overcome. I imagine this woman does.
I kept watching this lady more and more, and as I was watching I began thinking about David and the well known story of him dancing in the street for The Lord. In 2 Samuel 6, David beings dancing before the Lord and simultaneously, his subjects. David is so enthralled and enamored by his Lord that he's dancing like a complete undignified idiot--one of those 'special' ones. One of those people that you see and then immediately turn away from. Or start picking at your nails. Or start praying they don't come alongside you and pull you into a dance with them. Or turn to the person next to you and crack a joke about how ridiculous they are. You all know the type of dancer I mean. During David's display for the Lord, verse 16 says, "Michal the daughter of Saul looked out of the window and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart." She then comes down to the street and pulls David aside and says to him, '"How the king of Israel distinguished himself today! He uncovered himself today in the eyes of his servant's maids as one of the foolish ones shamelessly uncovers himself!"' David replies, "'It was before the Lord, who chose me above your father and above all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the Lord, over Israel; therefore I will celebrate before the Lord."
David's reaction was wise and soft, knowing that his dancing was for no one else but One person. What did he have to worry about? His treasure lies somewhere else.

Two things from all of this.
A. What if we could live without fear, with the notion that this life is about something much bigger than ourselves? Holy crap, this life is NOT about us. What if we lived that way? Then maybe we could make eternal, lasting and selfless change for the flicker of time we're on Earth.
B. If we're ever to do anything radical or God breathed, we have to be willing to risk people not liking us or calling us things behind our backs. As ugly as that is, and as much as it shouldn't happen, it does. It happens because other people's fearlessness flares up and exposes our own fears. That's why we hate it. That's why I judge that lady and that's why you do, too.

I want to start moving away from all this stuff--all this judgment and fear, and everything that stems from it. Because it simply doesn't matter. There is no excuse for me to judge or trash talk a lady who dances in worship if I call myself a child of Jesus. There is no excuse for me to harbor fear of man during worship if I carry the mark of a perfect and fearless savior. I want to begin to worry about things that actually matter. I want to know Jesus so deeply that my cares and woes being to align with his, causing me to live and act fearlessly, sacrificially, selflessly and lovingly. O' to be free of what imprisons us.

I wonder if this lady knows exactly what her dancing stirs up--not only in the pleased eyes of her Father, but in the people at church who are ever observing her.

Real Cool, Kim

This is the dumbest and least sacrificial thing I've ever read in my entire life. Has social justice really become THIS trendy?

Kim Kardashian quits the internet for AIDS

God's Deafening Silence

On the threshold of change and transformation, the silence of God can sometimes be deafening.

Our God never says too much. He is perfect in that he always says just enough. In our struggles, in our desperations, we run to him pleading for answers and begging to be spared from trials. Each time we fall to his feet crying out our frustations, God nods knowingly, listens intently with patience and love, and then sits back...and is still. Why does that frustrate us more than anything? Instead of throwing out answers, he asks questions. Sometimes, he doesn't even do that. We're left in the dark, we're left without conclusion. The only conclusion we can draw is our own. Sometimes all we have in God's silence are bits and pieces of encouraging scripture, or hopefully the warmth of His Spirit. But sometimes, not even that.
Recently I was put in a situation that absolutely terrified me. It was a situation that depended on my performance. I had no idea how to carry out the task I was appointed, simple as it was. I let my fear consume me, I let my emotions grab hold of me and I was nearly throwing up in anticipation of how much I knew I was going to fail. I was praying diligently for God's answers. For the relief from the anxiety and fear. For God to fix everything for me. I've prayed for God's relief before, but this time, my plea was desperate. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. But still, irrationally enough, I was absolutely overcome by my own fear and I had zero left in me to do what I was asked to do. But I couldn't back out of it. So, I told God that I absolutely needed him to come through because I was empty and void of anything to offer. I walk up to do my thing. I open my mouth and--to my surprise--words of eloquence flow out with nary a stutter. Everything made perfect sense and truth was flowing out of me that I never knew was inside. On top of that, the fear was zapped away.
What happened?
God moved.
Why?
I continually avoid every thing I can't control, every thing that makes me afraid, every thing that I could possibly fail at. But God works the most beautifully when we're completely emptied of everything inside of us. Because in that, his Spirit finally has room to move. To ebb and flow without getting stunted and pushed back by walls of pride, control and striving.
God knowingly lets us sit in our discomfort and ignorance. He lets us hang on the edge by a few fingers. We're screaming and shouting for an answer, for relief, for some type of solution. We feel like we are going to die. But it's in those moments that he moves the most mightily.

Surprisingly enough, this character trait of God sends me into an enamored state of warm fuzzies. What love! What pure and true love to focus on the highest good for his child. Silence, on the surface seems so awful. Like, we're being neglected. But the reality is that we're being nurtured more than we know.



Now, more than ever, I've never been so assured of his goodness or so trusting in his character.




I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Fasting and Solitude does not equal Deprivation and Loneliness

Fasting And Solitude

By
Ron Lagerquist

“Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.”
Luke 5:16

“Make peace with solitude and you will never be the same. The result will be autonomous, independent living that will free you to explore your creative side and God-given destiny.”

Since my first expedition into the wilds of the Canadian north at age twenty-one, I have had a romantic love/hate relationship with solitude. Stripping my daily needs down to a canoe and two backpacks, off I would go, often for two weeks. Parking my car, loading my canoe, and paddling on the first lake, there were day-trippers to keep me company, families who wanted a taste of unpopulated shorelines without the rigors of leaving behind the car and tent trailer. The first portage into the next lake culls away the day-trippers, leaving a more serious folk, marked by their rugged gear and determined visage. Each portage thins the paddlers and, once deep enough in, it is not uncommon to have an entire lake to myself. A lake announces its solitude at night with the absence of distant flickering fires; instead, there is the darkness of the sky silhouetted by the deeper darkness of treetops. The only sounds are nocturnal creatures, the frequent wail of loon-song, and whispering inner voices.

On my previous wilderness trips with friends, I would often sit on a rock by the water, wondering if I would ever have the courage to venture out here alone. There was a longing to remove myself from the man-pack in order to explore the solitude that called to me from across the waves. Finally, at age 45, I mustered up the courage to do a solo canoe trip into the guts of Algonquin Park, a vast wilderness of hundreds of miles of portages joining over a thousand lakes. It was not bears or wolves that caused fear, but the thought of being alone for days with my own demons and no easy escape. Instinctively, I knew some great inner battle awaited me out there, one that I needed to face and win.  

“How was your weekend?” “Busy,” I answer. It’s a good answer; I always feel good saying it. The questioner gives a nod of approval. After all, a weekend filled with work, hanging with friends, or family gatherings speaks of a successful, well-connected person. But what if I answered, “I did nothing but sit alone at home and meditate,” I might be met with a courteous smile masking pity or even mild suspicion. Human societies—even Christians—have always been a little distrustful of those who spend too much time alone, yet all of the famous figures of the bible spend a great deal of time alone. David, Moses, and many of the prophets were tempered in the fires of solitude. The desert was a symbol of fasting and solitude. Jesus, himself, left family and friends and ventured out into desolate hills to come face to face with his demon. In his weakest hour, he overcame tailor-made temptations offered to him by one who had been waiting.

Trial by fasting and solitude has involved some of my  most painful moments. In the fires of solitude, the pretense of self-importance that comes from a busy life quickly falls away, revealing the stark reality of fears and insecurities that are always just below the surface. When life’s props are gone, the fragility and pending fatality of our humanness becomes exposed, which can leave you feeling naked and vulnerable. Being weakened by fasting only serves to enhance this feeling of vulnerability, forcing you to turn to your internal spiritual resources. If they are bankrupt due to lack of investment of quiet meditation and prayer, you will come face to face with a poverty of spirit within. I am convinced that spiritual poverty is at the root of addiction, whether it be to food, dysfunctional relationships, alcohol, or drugs. Addiction is a way to both dull and run away from a growing feeling of spiritual emptiness. Fasting and solitude stops running dead in its tracks, which is vital to breaking addictive behaviors.   

Fifteen years of fasting and solitude finally developed within me the courage to venture into the wilds alone for eight days. I aimed a loaded canoe away from the access point and started paddling. As the park lodge and car faded behind me, there was a growing sense of anticipation of what lay ahead. The effect did not take long. Divorced from e-mail, cell phone, and internet, the silence of wilderness and solitude quickly allowed the ever-present voices of fear, guilt, and regret to move from the background to the foreground. During the second night, while on a lonely island, as the dying embers of the campfire allowed the darkness to embrace me, I realized how much my busyness had been simply running from the whispering words. But here on this island there was no escape, no drowning them out with TV or music. I was faced with one option: confront the voices head-on.

During the first four days of that trip, I faced some of the hardest moments of my life. Waves of guilt and regret assaulted me, faces of the people I had failed were marched across my memory. A broken marriage, secret sin, lust, envy, and unforgiveness filled my guts with bile. Doubt battered me on every side. The authenticity of every good thing I had done was in question—even the motives behind all my writing. There was no God, no loving Savior, only a blue sky filled with the weight of sin and regret. After four days of choking guilt, it finally came; in the deepest crisis of shame, Christ broke through with His grace. This was the unfinished business of my salvation, waiting for me when I had the courage to go deeper into my own sinfulness, so I could discover the depth of God’s love. Accepting God’s forgiveness allowed me to forgive myself and put to rest the accusing voices from which I had been fleeing. Solitude transformed from a terrifying unknown to a sanctuary of fellowship with God.

The harder it is for you to be alone, the more valuable fasting and solitude will be to exact personal freedom. A person who is content with being alone and has made peace with solitude will never be the same. The result will be autonomous, independent living that will free you to explore your creative side and God-given destiny.

No longer afraid to be alone, I am guarded from all kinds of grief, including entering into dysfunctional relationships. Greatest of all, I am experiencing a whole new level of intimacy with God. Alone with God. Alone, silent, and listening. The whispers of guilt and fear are still there, but I am no longer afraid of them. There is a greater truth than sin and shame: God’s grace and forgiveness.

Struggle Is Funny

Thanks StrengthFinder 2.0, for helping me come to understand my Restorative, Harmonious and Intellectual qualities.
Thanks for not pointing out my inherent weaknesses and tendencies toward idol worship, crippling comparison of myself to others and love of my job before my love of God.
Man. 

Sometimes, you have to face your Ugly.
But sometimes you can spend days, weeks, even months occupying yourself with busyness or believing your own lies to keep yourself from having to face your Ugly. Yesterday, I feel like God forced me to. Thank God. I'm the type of person who will resort to every last form of relief before I resort to taking refuge in the Lord. I don't know why this is, but it's always been that way. I guess that's what you call human nature? Maybe. Anyway, yesterday, after what seemed like I was being "caught like a bear by the feet with his hands in the hive who complains of the sting" (I was doing something that was not wise, all the while whining to God about how unhappy I was), I was hit with how good I am at ignoring bad and uncomfortable things, and covering them up with forms of escapism. I mean, I'm really good at ignoring things. And escaping. It's kind of scary. I never thought about it before, but I see it all areas of my life. Socially, spiritually...even with the way I eat. So yesterday I actually sat down, very unwillingly, whining and frowning at having to face my own Ugly, and I searched my heart and mind for discomforts and anxieties and concerns, and ended up pinpointing about 6 different things that were what I considered to be significant problems that I had subconsciously been ignoring. 6. That's a lot! If you're defining them as problems that would cause stress and distraction in life. I know everyone has problems at any given point, but for some reason I have the concept in my head that being problem free = being holy, therefore I've been ignoring my problems.
And not without cost.
Because with it, I've developed about 6 or so habits, or compulsions, that are outlets for me do deal with this stuff I'm not actively dealing with. Isn't that funny? Seriously. I think it's kind of amazing. If we don't acknowledge and work through our struggles, they'll surface anyway without our consent. There's no way to avoid struggle or pain.  Because in one way or another--you'll end up having to deal with them. And if you don't deal with them right away or in good time, they'll will come back up with a few pals you'll have to deal with them, too. And those pals bring pals, and their pals bring pals...and it ends up being a party.
So acknowledge it and nip it early. And most importantly: love your struggle and your pain. Because Our God is a god of struggle (see: the story of Jacob). He obviously loves both of them and sees their value or he wouldn't have wired our minds and bodies to force us to face them.
So, as it is with everything:
Praise God.

Be Careful

Greed, fear, hate, selfishness, gluttony, intentional ignorance, and the myriad amount of silent, quick-spreading evils are best established through passivity and negligence of the highest form of Good and/or thinking we already know what that Good is.

Disarmed.

God, God, God.

That's all the words I can seem to muster lately when I pray or worship or stand before God.
Our God is huge. And all encompassing. Completely unpredictable. and 100% NOT formulaic.
I'm frustrated lately because I'm a very formulaic and step-by-step person. Normally, you do such and such, to get such and such. It's logic. It's the law of Causation.
But God does not work this way. And I think He ups his mysteriousness and unpredictability and evasiveness even more so to those who have problems with formulaic religious thinking in order to show them that He is not this way. His arm is the one thing in the life of an analyzer/controller, that they cannot through will, force or manipulation of any kind, twist. And to us analyzers/controllers, that's disarming, frustrating, infuriating and exposing of our true nature.  It's something ugly we don't like to see. We can petition, we can ask, we can plead, but nothing we do with intentions of boxing Him in will ever work.
So, given that, I'm finding that during prayer, I can repent, I can praise, I can ask, I can do anything, but none of that will guarantee He will speak to me.
During worship, I can pray for humility, I can pray against pride, I can sing through gritted teeth, but none of that will guarantee I will meet with God and give Him the praise He deserves.
In my day-to-day, I can begin with meditating on His word, appreciating His creation, listening intently to my neighbor, preferring others above myself, but none of that will guarantee that at the end of the day, I glorified God.
I don't get God. If God was religious, this whole thing would be so easy. All of the above would be completely successful. But it's not. They're all good things, repentance, praying against pride, preferring my neighbor, meditating on his word...they're all beautiful and gifts from God. But if we cling to these things as ways to manipulate and 'get to' The Father, then we lose the beauty and the wonder of the fact that He is like wind through the trees: there for a few seconds then gone. Moving and invading the surroundings, then off to affect something else. Tangible on your skin for a split second, then He disappears. You try to catch him, but instead He flows right through your fingers. Who is this God?
I'd like to say that lately I'm in wonder of the evasiveness of God. But I'll be honest and say that I'm frustrated. God makes no sense. Ritually, I'm holy. Spiritually, I don't feel so holy. But yet, He loves and He gives life to me, slowly and subtly, despite the fact I'm frustrated and irritated with the most beautiful part of His being! If that's not anti-formulaic and upside-down, I don't know what is.

God, God, God!

Christians Need To Be More Offensive

 Trying to find God truly is like trying to catch vapor or the wind. Every time you think you can pin him down or label him or catch him, he slips right through your fingers, yells "gotcha!" and scampers off in a random direction, leaving you bewildered and questioning the things you think you know about him.

I was reading the beattitudes yesterday and came across this one--
Luke 6:26--"Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for their fathers used to treat the false prophets in the same way."

This is one of those verses that makes me think, "What the hell am I doing with my life?" I don't even have one enemy (to my knowledge). Does that make me a poor catalyst for the kingdom of God? After reading through the rest of the beatitudes (Luke 6: 20-38), and seeing the verse in it's context, it's pretty obvious what Jesus is getting at. Being a follow of Jesus comes with strife, difficulty, sacrifice, death, mourning, hunger, and more. It is not easy. But when we can engage in the difficulty and find the face of Christ in it--that's when the true blessings of Christ are received. So, I got to thinking about verse 26, specifically. I got to thinking about Jesus and how "he did not come to bring peace on earth, but a sword Mt. 10:34)". And how usually, after preaching, everyone wanted to stone him or kill him or throw him off a cliff. When we read the things he said now, we think, "That's not even shocking or offensive, why was everyone freaking out so much?"  It's because everything he was saying during those times were things that were disturbing, realistic, dynamic, unprecedented and raw. Aka--truth. Anyway, you guys all know these things. But here's my question and conversation starter--

If Christ, when he came to Earth, came to bring truth, which caused division and upset...as Christians, wouldn't he expect us to do the same? Not going around picking a fight (that's just stupid and arrogant), but speaking truth when truth is needed. When truth needs to be spoken and represented in a situation. How often do we, because of our fear of being seen as "pushy Christians", pull the "grace and forgiveness" card and keep quiet and peaceful, when raw truth is necessary? What's so bad about offending/getting offended? It rustles feathers, it stirs uncomfortable feelings, it makes people think. If anything, that's good. Great, actually. What am I getting at--If we can't be the kind of followers of Christ who aren't afraid of division, then we can't truly follow him. Because he was offensive.

The second level to this question is, if Jesus' preaching  Jew and Gentile equality, or grace vs. law was enough to get him thrown off a cliff in his day and age, then what is the equivalent to that in our day and age? What truth that needs to be shared would make people so uncomfortable and offended that they would want to punch you in the face (and I'm talking about TRUTH from God, not something out of our own perception and pretension)? Pray about it. Ask God to help your thinking and actions to be ever evolving, creative, new and truth-filled. As him to help so that you can be a tool to bring the kingdom of heaven to Earth. Because as unchanging and steadfast as our God is, he's also fiery and an advocate for change and new-ness. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have sent Christ. Lets celebrate that facet of our God and dwell in it.

Relative Sin

As I'm getting to know Jesus more, I'm trying this thing out where I question all of my motives and thoughts about who He is and make sure they're not being born of tradition or common thought, but of my own biblical and Spirit-led search and revelation. It's a good thing because it opens up doors to very beautiful parts of God, but it's also scary because it's shaking up the things I think I know about God and introducing things that can be somewhat uncomfortable and hard to swallow. I'm discovering that God is nothing like we think he is. But that is another topic for a different day. What I really want to talk about now is sin, and how it relates to what I just mentioned. And how steering away from tradition is bringing up the term "relativism" in my pursuit of Christ. I understand that most Christians see relativism as very dangerous and misaligned with the character of God because it suggests vague guidelines vs. foundational truth.But I also understand that God relates to individuals in very different ways. And if sin is something that separates us from God, isn't it possible for some of that sin to be relative? Because different people relate to God in different ways. Example: I have issues with food and if I allow myself to binge on sweets, it dulls my senses, it's escapism, it's an unhealthy way to deal with deeper crap going on: it separates me from God. But for someone else, binging wouldn't necessarily separate them from God, it would just make them feel sick. So binging is sinful for me. But for someone else, it's just a lighthearted unhealthy choice. I get that there are obvious sins that separate everyone from God, no matter how the individual relates to him. But I know there are others that are different.

Thoughts?

The reason I posted this in the first place is because I'm noticing that it's getting harder and harder for me to define what sin is in my life. I'm also noticing that the topic of sin is becoming less and less discussed because it ignites a sense of legalism and no Christian hipster wants to be seen as a Bible thumper, so I'm seeing a degeneration of morale among Christians my age. Because we serve a "forgiving" God. We  misinterpret his forgiveness and use it as a loophole for sin. This is nothing new, Paul talked about it in Romans 5&6. But "love" and "forgiveness" are not excuses to compromise truth or morals. So, to tie this in, what are those truths and morals, and can they be relative? and, to relate to degenerating morale, just how angry does God get when we know what we're doing is wrong, yet we keep on doing it to convey a liberal Christianity? And how much room does he give us before he holds us responsible and begins punishing us for that behavior, calling it repetitive and conscious sin?

Tradition

What would you live for if all notions caused by tradition weren't present?

Would you devote your life to your work, in order to make your money, in order to pay bills and function in a society?

Would you believe that God manifested himself, but also his Son, in human form on earth to die for everyone living in it, and everyone who would live, acting as a bridge from us to God? And now we can have a relationship with him through acts of faith? (or any other ancient religious system you adhere to)

Would you eat 3 meals a day?

Would you want to get married?

Would you want to have children?

Are there things you're devoting your life to simply because it's what "we do" or it's what "we've always heard"? Do your intuitions and experiences lead you to live somewhere beyond what might be traditionally expected of you (or what you might expect of yourself)?
What if we all lived that way? Imagine what could be found...
It would take a shload of guts.

Mobilizing the US Naysh and my own heart

          Im writing this on a German keyboard, so there will be no apostrophes and i might accidentally switch my zs and ys because theyre switched places on this keyboard. it belongs to my friend Hanna, 1 of 4 people on this mobile trip in Puyallup, Washington. (Naysh stands for Nation, p.s.)

          Ive been wanting to update this blog ever since my last post, but ever since then i have had a terrible time compartmentalizing my thoughts into something readable. i hope that means God is producing something in me that will overflow into some form of definite action with a clear purpose and goal.

          That action will contain the following--

• loving the Lord God with my soul, heart and mind
• responsibility for what my own life will/can look like
• giving my abundance to those who are without

          This mobile trip Im on is solidifying the work and revelation God is doing in me, as well as a book Im reading by Richard Stearns that is de-glossing the glamour that can sometimes come with a life of serving the poor (how sad that we have turned it into that, but there is no doubt that "do gooding" has a saint-like halo around it). In other words, reality is kicking in. Lately Ive been praying for nothing more than constant realization of reality and the brief duration of this life and how I can make it worthwhile. 

          Jumbled thoughts. But that has been my mind for the past month!

Responsibility (in regards to living a full life)

Responsibility is one of those things that looks great from far away, but when it comes to actually living it out, you never want to do it and its just not that fun.

The specific type I'm talking about right now is responsibility of your life. I'm not sure exactly when I learned the lesson that "life is what you make it", but ever since I learned it, I am no longer able to ask myself why certain things in my life aren't happening or coming to pass. I'm no longer able to ask myself, because I already know why before the question has the time to reach my lips. It's because I'm not making it happen. It's pretty irritating. Every time I wake up with another day full of nothing, and get ready to sit down with a cup of coffee and whine to my journal about how boring my life is, Responsibility pops out from behind the couch and says, "Get off your ass!" Gone are the days of prolonged angst and shaking my fist at the world saying, "Why must I constantly feel unfulfilled and stunted in this place, why can't I go and pursue what I want to pursue?!" Responsibility's reflection shows up in my mug of coffee and says, "It's at your fingertips."
She shows up in my phonebook as I scroll pass the number of that friend I still haven't called to hang out like I said I would.
She shows up in my coworker complaining about her animosity towards her husband, as I catch myself not listening with my whole heart.
She shows up when I exchange money with that guy at the coffee place, leaving once again without introducing myself.
In the hands of my grandfather clock, as another day draws to a close.
Responsibility looms. in a good way.

No one keeps you from anything but you.

There's probably an exception to that rule, but it is very rare. I'm talking natural disaster or death or something extreme. 99.9% of excuses can be overcome and there is no excuse for them.

So, for all of you who want a step-by-step program on how to suck out all the marrow of life, no matter where you are or what you are pursuing--

1. Use all of your resources
2. Get creative
3. Overcome fear/emotion/laziness
4. You're going to die someday, perhaps soon, so make this season in your life one that won't be another season of you waiting for stuff to fall in your lap.

I know I've talked about this before. But why is half the world completely dissatisfied? One big reason is that we're not manning up.

The Power Of Language

          Thanks to the wonderful book loan program offered to employees of Barnes and Noble, I am now reading Percy Jackson and the Olympians. It's no Harry Potter, I'm just saying. But it is entertaining. Anyway, I'm on like chapter 6 and I keep reading things along the lines of, "names have power," and "don't throw those names around so casually." This book series is about Greek gods, so I'm assuming what they're ultimately getting at is that some things are so powerful the mere mention of their name brings about certain things (like in Harry Potter, how no one wanted to say Voldemort, so they had substitutions.) Anyway, this got me thinking about the God I serve, the God of Abraham, who's name I throw around like nobody's business. And the name of His Son. Then it got me thinking about language in general. And how powerful it can be. I suddenly became aware of what is most prominent in my day to day conversation. The following are in my daily vernacular--

(asterisks have been provided)
"That makes me want to die"
"I'm about to punch people"
"what the f***"
"sh*t"
"son of a b****"
"ass"
"pissed"
"Oh, God" ** (but these are asterisks to a footnote.)

I'm sorry, but it's true. To be honest, the reason I say most of these things is for comic relief or to get a reaction from someone or something. Cussing is funny to me and can bring rawness and/or relaxation to a conversation, depending on who you're talking to. However...the response I get from most Christians when I say something like what's listed above is generally not positive. And for a long time, I didn't really care. Because I'm a liberal Christian or something like that, and we liberal Christians know we can do and say things conservative Christians think are "bad" and we can defy the norm and show that God's grace surpasses such trivial things, and we don't have to live by "the law".
Well...
No.
How selfish is that?? I mean, really. I guess it's a good thing that I don't feel bound by a rule that forbids me to never cuss or say the wrong thing, but it's not a good thing that I feel like I can freely throw around words that can carry much power and influence in the minds of others. I'm not going to start being militant and condemning about the way I speak, but I am going to start praying for the ability to be more conscious and aware of when I'm using destructive language. And truly, all of the above are destructive. Not one of them has a positive connotation.

So I don't know. Lately, I'm really beginning to understand the value of compassion and kindness, and the way I've been speaking is in no way helping to ingrain that in my mind, even if it is simply to be funny or relatable. I guess that's the point of this.
How you speak reveals what is in your heart and what is not. And how you speak has the power to put things in your heart and take them out.







**I'm aware that I'm not the only Christian who does this. I'm also aware though, that Jews, who serve the same God as I do, don't even dare write or type His name out as they believe it's too holy to have the potential to be erased, so they write or type G-d. I used to think that was really great and beautiful, so I did that for awhile, but then I stopped. Mostly because I don't think I truly believe in my heart my God is that holy and mighty. If I did, I simply wouldn't use his name so much, right? What does God think? Commandment #3 says "Do not take the name of The Lord in vain." But what does that even mean? Ultimately, I think it means don't throw it around and damage the reputation of the Lord with what you say that is either positive or negative about him (i.e. "God damn it", or "God told me such and such about this or that," when you're not 100% sure He really did. One negative, one positive, but both shape a person's view of who God is). This is an entirely different issue for an entirely different post, but feel free to comment and carry this topic wherever you may...I have a lot of digging to do on how God would have us respect his name and carry out the Old Covenant commandments, while living in a New Covenant christianity, but please give your thoughts anyway.

The Addictiveness of Isolation

        I'm irritated at whoever invented suburbs and single family dwellings. and cubicles.

        Lately, because of my foot injury, I only get to work about 1/3 of what I would like. That's led to me having lots of downtime. Lots. Isolation is funny because at first you think it's a wonderful luxury and a way to re-energize and get everything done you've needed to get done for so long. Eventually though, it turns out to be like your stoner room mate you can't get rid of.
        "Just chill out for a while."
        "Lets just hang out here again."
        "Lets get pizza...."
        It tricks you into wanting more and more isolation. You discover you're starting to need all this downtime in order to have the energy to go out and do things with actual people. Then you start to hate your isolation because it's boring and not fulfilling and all you want is someone to come over and hang out, but when they finally do, you get pissed off because they're ruining your perfect, controlled isolated space. Everything becomes way too much effort and you'd rather sit around daydreaming then living in reality with other human beings.

        It creeps me out.

        The only solution I see to this is to get off my ass and go pursue some people. I hate it when people make excuses for things because it shows immaturity and irresponsibility, but I'm being honest when I say it's simply hard to get off my ass. It's hard to fight my self. Half the time I don't even recognize when I'm giving into a fight with it. I don't recognize when I'm being controlled by my own feelings or emotions. Sometimes I swear I just let them take me by the hand and we skip along, in my mind or in real life, to things that look so great and sparkly and easy. But, in actuality, are mostly just a waste of my time and/or really stupid.

        But then sometimes, I instead choose to take them by the hand and we go places healthy and constructive to my mind, places full of character and challenge.

        I genuinely hope I can continue this upward spiral of taking responsibility for my life that's been going on the past few months, and not let a spout of downtime lead me into significant life regression. Good thing God is good at snapping me back to reality.

Finished Hat (yay!) and The Definition Of Reality

So, I finished the rainbow hat. After making it and taking it apart like literally 10 times, i finally came to a decent ending. Thank you for the pattern. I tweaked it a lot though (straight needles instead of circular, worsted weight yarn instead of bulky, 40 st instead of 48 st...), which is probably (definitely) why it took me forever to make it look good enough to wear. Anyway here it is.






The problem with hand knitted hats, is that they always tend to look...homemade.

Anyway. Now I can say I've knitted a hat.


On to bigger and better things.

Look at this beautiful definition I found for "reality":

Re-al-i-ty
noun
Philosophy
a. something that exists independently of ideas concerning it.
b. something that exists independently of all other things and from which all other things derive.

Lately I've been perplexed by what exactly reality is and how we can be sure we're pursuing it. I've been preoccupied by this lately, mostly because I'm aware of how much our lives and worth are based on things that are NOT reality (i.e. anxiety, fears, the opinions of others, living vicariously through movies or stories etc, and then things like social networking sites and cell phones that allow us to project reality rather than live it). Although I think the above definition is beautiful and true, it's making me wonder even deeper. Automatically, I want to say, "So, pain is reality." Like, emotional pain or physical pain. But are we making judgments about our pain (comparing the sensitivity level to that of which we've always known to be mild or intense), which are therefore ideas, which is therefore outside of reality? If it is that way, can't you apply that to pretty much anything? What is real? This might be really elementary philosophy, I'm not sure. Anyway,

here's the answer:
I don't know.

But here's what my experience has told me about reality, however reliable experience may or may not be:
Suffering is reality.
Joy is reality.
Relationship is reality.
Good is reality.
Evil is reality.

And those are the only definites I can think of right now. Everything else I've yet to discover.

I wonder, in this day and age, how much in a given day most of us actually spend in reality. Communing with one another, engaging in the full spectrum of life experiences at our fingertips. How much of our time do we spend hiding behind perceptions, fears, profile pictures or twitter updates? Ultimately I think the point of this whole post comes down to this--it freaks me the hell out how much we can THINK we're living, when, in reality, we are not. We are picking and choosing a desired reality.

If you feel inclined, please comment to create conversation.

My next post might be about what in life tends to control us most. That seems to be the way this is going.

My final news is this, and is completely off subject--I had a badass dream the other night. Sneak peek: I was transported to another world, Elise was there, me and our crew ended up in a haunted house where zombies popped out of the sand in fencing outfits, and me and a perfect boy fell in love and sought for the greater good of the world. It was AWESOME. and epic. I might blog the whole thing later. We'll see.

French Press (my new boyfriend) and Discipline

This french press discovery is the freakin' bid-nizz. I love it. If you're ever wondering where I am about an hour after I wake up, I'm sitting on the couch in my living room with one of these babies.


Dip a few oreos in there...perfection. The Finer Things.

The next post will hopefully show my finished rainbow slouchy hat I'm knitting. I've finished it and taken it apart like 3 times. I'm really having to tweak the pattern so hopefully I'll have it finished here pretty soon. And then I'm making one for Adam and Alison. They may or may not be aware of that.

Okay.
Life.
Specifically on the matter of discipline.

Lately I've had lots of discipline in my life. Spiritual and physical. It seems like it's coming easily right now. I go through peaks and valleys with stuff like this, as I'm sure everyone does. Sometimes it feels like the last thing in the world I want to do. Other times it feels like my soul needs a spiritual or physical massage so bad I can't finish my day without spending time with God. Or spending time with Rodney Yee.
I am noticing a pattern, though. When discipline is most prominent in my life, it seems to come when I respect myself the most. When I'm not depressed, anxious or lonely. Discipline comes easiest when I sincerely want the highest form of good for myself. So, logically you would think that I would strive to get rid of any depression, anxiety or loneliness in order that I might be able to keep this desire to love myself. But I don't think so. Negative feelings are just as real as positive feelings. And just as vital to a full live experience. Without them, how would we grow?
I guess the question I'm asking (or the truth I'm stating) is this--how do we fully allow ourselves to feel our sadness (because we will never always feel good), while mustering up the strength to treat ourselves with the highest form of good no matter what we feel? How can we make sure to remind ourselves to search for reality and Good in the valleys of our life experiences?

I guess we just...pray and do it.

Instead of wondering how and beating ourselves up because we "can't" do it. I don't know. I'm all about bucking up lately and putting and end to whining. I've done a lot of whining. A lot. Sometimes I look back on my life and can't believe how much talking and wondering I've done. It's obscene. I'm finally seeing that life, when all you do is stand in the middle of whirling questions, experiences, fears and mysteries, and just stare at them asking the questions "WHY" and "HOW" over and over...that isn't life. Life is standing in the midst of all that, asking those same questions and physically moving forward with them. Taking steps with them. Action. Action. Action. When will we stop avoiding pain and challenges and obstacles, searching for "real life"...and finally open our eyes to the fact that pain challenges and obstacles...are our lives?

Please ponder and respond.

Domestic Tendencies

Preface:
I had a french press for the first time the other day. It was just so good. and frothy. and textured. and for the first time, I made coffee at home that didn't taste like burnt bacon water. Thanks Elise.
Also, I think I might start taking pictures of the plethora of things I'm creating lately to post on here. I baked a perfect looking fruit coffee cake the other day. And I'm knitting the cutest rainbow hat ever. I'm also a grandmother.

Next order of business--

I am r.e.s.t.l.e.s.s.
I am craving new-ness again.

i.e.--

The World Is Too Much With Us

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon,
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers,
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.--Great God! I'd rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn,
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.

William Wordsworth

Guess What This Is!?

A hairless bear!!! ewwwwwww........

I used to think bears were really scary, but now I don't know. Look at what they look like with all their hair gone. Like a...marmot elephant... hybrid.

Freedom

Are you free once you're enslaved?
Or enslaved once you're free?

There is a man sitting in a cage with peace in his smile, who stares at a man sitting outside of the cage with inconsolability in the wringing of his hands.

Who is free?
and by what measure?

"Freedom"...
God?
Master of Self?
Enlightenment?
Mindfulness?
Acceptance?

Which one, says who, at what time?

The Wise Mind

Thoughts

are different from

Feelings

are different from

Actions

God Whispers Things To Me In My Arrogance

I wrote this while having a mild panic attack in a suburban church this morning. Often, when I attend church, I sit there, look around the room and judge everyone in it. Harshly. Then get angry with Christianity for having such a shitty Church. What's funny, though, is that all of my judging can truly only reveal one thing--that I am really judging myself. I hate my judgmental mind, my disobedience to God and my preoccupation with myself, so I project it upon others. Anyway, my inner battle leads to anxiety and this is my normal church routine, the few times I actually attend. So this is what God spoke to me today.

"I should vow to journal every time i visit a church. To document the insurmountable anxiety. Frick. I did that in China. I journalled a few pages while I was at a church there. I'm glad I did because I discovered something. I was at an underground missionary church for foreign missionaries--and i still felt like that church was shit, everyone was fake and I wanted to run out of the room and go talk to an atheist stranger. Being here in this suburban, plastic church makes me long for an intelligent, grass roots, no-show service like [insert hipster KC church]. I think to myself that I could never remain somewhere like this Lees Summit church because everyone follows God blindly, defining him as a feel good, smiley, material, sentimental and disconnected "hope", versus a raw, fierce, relational and loving God. I wonder, while watching the worship leader sing and jump around like a member of Relient K (after a video with a robot voice and techno effects counted down to the start of worship. In seriousness.) if we even serve the same God. Do we? Who is delusional here? Me and my definition of God, or this guy and his definition? Or do we both serve the Almighty, it's just that He is abounding in love and patience with how each of us pursue him? If that's true, frick, we serve an incredible God. But also, if that's true that brings up the idea that God is relative in one way or another and that's a whole different topic. Anyway. I don't know. Troy Sherman's teaching comes to mind. The time he was telling us that you don't not go to church because you don't like it. You go to church to be the change that needs to happen. That's beautiful and true. It's trendy now to be mad at church, isn't it? To point the finger and find everything that's wrong so the church has nothing left to do but grovel and ask for forgiveness. I don't know, I think it might be us, the blamers, who need to get our knees and ask the church for forgiveness for not standing on our own two feet with the authority Christ gives us to forgive and rebuild things. Instead of being passive, blaming, whiny cowards. I guess the bottom line is that it could be a plastic suburban church or a hipster, trendy activist church...it doesn't matter what it is, I will find something to hate, judge, accuse or blame about it. It's time to grow up and see the beauty in it all. No one is beyond redemption. Even Christians."

So now, lets move on to bigger and better things.

Ask Yourself

What is reality?
What is perceived reality?
How do you tell the difference?