Art, Christianity and Why I Sometimes Hate Them Both

I watched a documentary called Beautiful Losers last night, a documentary about New York street artists and their collaborative art gallery 'Alleged'. Then tonight I watched Ray, the movie about Ray Charles.
If there's two things I love, it's street art and soul music. If there's two things I've never been, it's daring, risky, brooding with soul and life. I've stifled those things. Both consciously and subconsciously.

I've been observing myself as an artist lately. Sometimes I hate art, especially my own. I've been asking myself why that is. My process has been this: I'm not sure if I remember a time when I painted straight from who I am, rather than painting what I think people want to see. I've been asking myself what kind of art I would create if I began creating from the things that go on in my mind and my heart. Would I still create rigid, detailed portraits, obsessing over every line and shadow until it reaches perfection? No. I'm beginning to think my art has been another way in my life to exhibit some type of control when I'm well aware of the fact that there's nothing about my mind, heart or life that I can control. But what a relief, right? What an escape--to be able to keel over a piece of paper and perfect the face of someone else, to replicate someone else's creation with precision and perfection, knowing I can place my pencil on the page, will it to move and have it listen.

The people in my life that have affected me the most are the ones that were broken.
The concepts in my life that have affected me the most have been the radical ones.
No one has ever impacted much of anything by being perfect. 

I'm wondering how this theme of perfection in my life translates into my religion. Probably in every sense of the word. Sometimes I find myself hating Christianity because of how incredibly vapid it can be. There are times I sit in a Christian small group or listen to a fellow Christian giving me "sound advice" and all I am thinking is that there's a possible chance I'm devoting my life to complete tripe. But I shove that feeling down because it's the right thing to do, and if I voiced it or asked questions, eyebrows would be raised and people would question my salvation. People would ask me why I'm a missionary. And I get that. I mean, those are logical questions to ask. But out of all the times I loathed Christianity, I've never felt that way about God--the huge God who encompasses vitality and transcends conditioned religious thinking. That God gives me hope to sit through the person telling me I just need to pray more or have more faith. He gives me grace for our religion perverted and dumbed down with human striving and frantic attempts to construct and box-in the undefinable. He encourages me sit down alone with him, pray and get honest. I want those times with God to cross over into my art, as well as my writing.

I'm tired of creating art and writing to please others and to get praise. Anybody will tell you they like something or that it looks nice. Not many people will tell you that your work is shit, even if it is. I'm aiming to begin creating things that draw out a disturbance from those who view it--whether that disturbance is positive or negative. I want it to be more than a pretty thing to look at (although there are times for that). I want it to be what art was meant to be. Then maybe I won't hate it so much.

So you think you can dance--at CHURCH?

It's interesting how much I hear everyone give this lady crap that goes to my church. I guess I should include myself with 'everyone' because I give her crap, too. She dances during worship. But she doesn't just sway back and forth or jump up and down, even--no, she lurches and jerks around. Sometimes, during an exceptionally powerful song, she looks like she might have a seizure. This lady doesn't even have the decency to stand in the back where no one can see her--she stands in the very front row, of all places. It doesn't matter where I look when I'm singing, somehow I can always see her arm flailing or her hair bouncing. I'm not the only one who notices, because I've seen people glance at her. I've heard people whispering. Actually, I've only heard one person say anything good about her dancing, and it was from a person that's always able to see Jesus in anyone and everyone, so I shouldn't be surprised that he was the exception to this rule. Anyway, today I was standing again during worship in the center and there she was again, a few rows ahead of me--bobbing back and forth with her eyes closed, looking lost in the music, while the bassist on stage kept glancing over at her odd movements. My normal reaction to this is to roll the eyes of my heart and try to will myself out of judgment and animosity. But today I didn't feel any animosity or judgment toward this woman. I felt a weird sense of longing. Because me and this lady are complete opposites, in the worship sense. This lady lets loose and is completely fearless in her adoration of The Lord, which is as it should be. Me? My heart twists with fear and anger at every corporate worship time, wondering why the only reaction to God I can muster is completely stoic. Worshiping in solitude, I have no problem with. But when it comes to corporate worship...I'm like ice. Now, if there's one quality you can pinpoint about this dancing woman without even talking to her, it's this--fearlessness. Nothing is stopping this woman. I mean think about it--if fear is one of the major roots of depravity, then imagine what could happen if you carried fearLESSness as a prominent character trait. You could transcend a lot of things that most people would never overcome. I imagine this woman does.
I kept watching this lady more and more, and as I was watching I began thinking about David and the well known story of him dancing in the street for The Lord. In 2 Samuel 6, David beings dancing before the Lord and simultaneously, his subjects. David is so enthralled and enamored by his Lord that he's dancing like a complete undignified idiot--one of those 'special' ones. One of those people that you see and then immediately turn away from. Or start picking at your nails. Or start praying they don't come alongside you and pull you into a dance with them. Or turn to the person next to you and crack a joke about how ridiculous they are. You all know the type of dancer I mean. During David's display for the Lord, verse 16 says, "Michal the daughter of Saul looked out of the window and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart." She then comes down to the street and pulls David aside and says to him, '"How the king of Israel distinguished himself today! He uncovered himself today in the eyes of his servant's maids as one of the foolish ones shamelessly uncovers himself!"' David replies, "'It was before the Lord, who chose me above your father and above all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the Lord, over Israel; therefore I will celebrate before the Lord."
David's reaction was wise and soft, knowing that his dancing was for no one else but One person. What did he have to worry about? His treasure lies somewhere else.

Two things from all of this.
A. What if we could live without fear, with the notion that this life is about something much bigger than ourselves? Holy crap, this life is NOT about us. What if we lived that way? Then maybe we could make eternal, lasting and selfless change for the flicker of time we're on Earth.
B. If we're ever to do anything radical or God breathed, we have to be willing to risk people not liking us or calling us things behind our backs. As ugly as that is, and as much as it shouldn't happen, it does. It happens because other people's fearlessness flares up and exposes our own fears. That's why we hate it. That's why I judge that lady and that's why you do, too.

I want to start moving away from all this stuff--all this judgment and fear, and everything that stems from it. Because it simply doesn't matter. There is no excuse for me to judge or trash talk a lady who dances in worship if I call myself a child of Jesus. There is no excuse for me to harbor fear of man during worship if I carry the mark of a perfect and fearless savior. I want to begin to worry about things that actually matter. I want to know Jesus so deeply that my cares and woes being to align with his, causing me to live and act fearlessly, sacrificially, selflessly and lovingly. O' to be free of what imprisons us.

I wonder if this lady knows exactly what her dancing stirs up--not only in the pleased eyes of her Father, but in the people at church who are ever observing her.

Real Cool, Kim

This is the dumbest and least sacrificial thing I've ever read in my entire life. Has social justice really become THIS trendy?

Kim Kardashian quits the internet for AIDS