I'm irritated at whoever invented suburbs and single family dwellings. and cubicles.
Lately, because of my foot injury, I only get to work about 1/3 of what I would like. That's led to me having lots of downtime. Lots. Isolation is funny because at first you think it's a wonderful luxury and a way to re-energize and get everything done you've needed to get done for so long. Eventually though, it turns out to be like your stoner room mate you can't get rid of.
"Just chill out for a while."
"Lets just hang out here again."
"Lets get pizza...."
It tricks you into wanting more and more isolation. You discover you're starting to need all this downtime in order to have the energy to go out and do things with actual people. Then you start to hate your isolation because it's boring and not fulfilling and all you want is someone to come over and hang out, but when they finally do, you get pissed off because they're ruining your perfect, controlled isolated space. Everything becomes way too much effort and you'd rather sit around daydreaming then living in reality with other human beings.
It creeps me out.
The only solution I see to this is to get off my ass and go pursue some people. I hate it when people make excuses for things because it shows immaturity and irresponsibility, but I'm being honest when I say it's simply hard to get off my ass. It's hard to fight my self. Half the time I don't even recognize when I'm giving into a fight with it. I don't recognize when I'm being controlled by my own feelings or emotions. Sometimes I swear I just let them take me by the hand and we skip along, in my mind or in real life, to things that look so great and sparkly and easy. But, in actuality, are mostly just a waste of my time and/or really stupid.
But then sometimes, I instead choose to take them by the hand and we go places healthy and constructive to my mind, places full of character and challenge.
I genuinely hope I can continue this upward spiral of taking responsibility for my life that's been going on the past few months, and not let a spout of downtime lead me into significant life regression. Good thing God is good at snapping me back to reality.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
I know what you're saying. As a guy, its easy for me to get sucked into video games (girls can too I guess). During my first semester at SMC I remember just going to class and coming home to play video games. That is pretty much all I did on weekdays. And the worst part is that I excused it as my "rest" for spending time working at school. But really its just a way to escape reality and get your mind off of things that are difficult to deal with.
This is good that you can at least see the truth, ya know? That is what sets you apart from the people who will continue to make this passivity their lifestyle.
I have a weird problem that I like to call "morning depression". I wake up, look around and a paralyzing sense of fear comes over me. What will happen further on in the day? Will I actually accomplish anything? What's the point of this day? I think it has a lot to do with the isolation factor. A sense of wrongdoing or unnecessary apathy. Hang in there. I think all americans can relate to this.
When i got home from DTS this was so bad for me. i would just stay home all day on my computer "resting" from the oh so hard times of DTS. At one point, i was so tired of just doing nothing all day, i had to make it a goal of mine to just leave my house once during the day. Even if it meant going and sitting alone at a park, at least it was a chance to see somebody and have some sort of interaction.
Later on i got a job (which i still have) and as much as i hate having up to get early and go be there for 6 hours always wishing i did not have to go i realized it is worth it. Spending 2 days doing nothing just makes me depressed.
In Don Miller's newest book he talks of our lives being like a story and how a story needs a conflict to be worthwhile. We need to seek out this conflict in life to make life worth living at all. Though it's weird to think of human interaction as being a sort of conflict, but hey, for those of us in isolation it can be.
thank you guys for the feedback :)
jake, i just finished that book. i really enjoyed it. it made me realize how i always have wanted and expected life to be smooth sailing, because smooth sailing meant things were going well. but no. conflict really is what keeps us alive and makes life worthwhile. I'm glad he wrote that book. good stuff.
Oh Becky, You have no idea how much I relate with you on this. 'Addiction' is a very accurate word. I'm glad you wrote this.
Post a Comment