My head feels like a balloon slightly anchored by a ribbon to the rest of my body. Everything is pretty foggy. and sleepy.
Today as I was doodling during lecture and once again becoming aware of my 2 second attention span, it hit me how pretty much anything good seems like it goes against my grain. And when I say good, I mean things like, spending time with others, listening in class without doodling or checking my twitter, actively praying longer than two minutes, worshiping for God's sake and not mine, joyfully doing things for the sake of others, being vulnerable in conversation, initiating socialization, friendship, saying hello and stopping to chat with passerbys....and on and on. It feels like the grain of these things goes from left to right and mine goes up and down. It rubs me wrong and feels like I'm trying to walk through muck and mire just to simply say hello to someone. It's so hard for me to just be good, and I'm not browbeating myself--really, nothing in me is good, and nothing wants to be. But of course, I can't let the simple fact that I don't want to do something keep me from doing it--I do it. Its just through clenched teeth for the first few minutes, then reality sets in and I realize how good it actually is. Anyway, my point, or rather my question, is how do I combat it? How do you, if you feel similar? I've been reading more about a term called 'acedia' and how it mostly plagues monks and those in religious orders...it's not depression, it's not laziness, it's just a huge weight of not caring. And not even caring about how you don't care. It's a huge hill to overcome and when you feel like you have to overcome it 20 times a day, it gets really old. I don't want to believe that I'll have to feel this way the rest of my life. I believe if Jesus promises an abundant life, than inside that abundant life would be joy for the things that he created as good, so I'm going to hold out for that. But in the meantime, I need some type of solution. I'll be on the look out.
Anyway.
Happy salads.
3 comments:
Becky,
I think it's cool you're doing this fast and blogging about it. I'll be reading!
I just wanted to say I love your vulnerability and honesty in your posting. This difficulty in doing "good" is something I think we all struggle with in one way another. And while we may not struggle with doing what is "good", we may struggle with having the right motives to do so. The two opposing grains are like our own vs Christ's. But the fault I find in that analogy is that there is no root change to the wood. It's more like we are wood and Christ is sand paper, smoothing out first our bark and then our outer layers, to smooth us into "good". I dont know. Just typing and thinking. Maybe we're more like magnets. The way first we repel another's polarization, but eventually begin to change our own ionization to become like the stronger force. Did that sound nerdy enough?
Happy Salads!
*polarity, not ionization.
Keith,
Thanks for your input and thanks for reading! I totally get your analogies and totally agree. But. My question is, in order to actually allow ourselves to be 'sanded' or for our 'polarity' to change, does it just happen or do we have to do something specific? I'm pretty sure we can't just be totally passive, so that would mean we do have to do something. I'm just wondering exactly what that is. I'm beginning to see it's probably just a series of daily choice after choice mixed with prayer, which invites the Holy Spirit while leaving room for him to have influence in your choices, thus leading to change... But. Yeah, I don't know. Actually living that out is harder than it sounds, haha. Anyway. I value your thoughts and insights, Keith! Happy Salads indeed.
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