It's good to have friends who can help you see how far you've come when all you can really see is repeated mistakes, repeated lessons, repeated everything.
(I'm going to be honest and say that I fear these posts are becoming (or have always been) way too personal, but I'm choosing to voice this stuff anyway, because maybe someone might stumble across it and feel less crazy about themselves, and God knows that's what we all ultimately want, right? Right.)
I have this ongoing inner battle inside of me that tends to rear it's ugly head when I have nothing to do but sit. It gets shut up through busyness and adventure and risk taking. So when I'm not doing those things, I get slammed with discontentment, apathy, social isolation, depression...I've just always really struggled with living a 'normal' life. Now I've learned this far along in my life now, that just because I struggle with living a 'normal' life, that doesn't mean I need to reject 'normal'. And actually, that's my battle. I'm trying to embrace normal. Because I know the value in it. But each attempt has the same end--I just get pissed off. But I'm a stuffer, so I just bury the anger. But, as we all know, feelings have a way of surfacing whether we want them to or not. And for the first time in my life (in the past year or so), people are coming up to me, people I don't even know that well, and telling me they're noticing my anger becoming a problem. They all say I'm polite and nice, but I carry a weight of anger that's visible. So, I try to work on it, externally, but like I said, feelings surface, and I'm pretty much failing at hiding this anger that apparently people can see. But I think maybe I just need to come to terms with something--I am angry, actually. I'm angry that I'm 24 and still have no idea where my life is going. I'm angry that I chose to work a menial job and save money in a town that's incredibly difficult for me to thrive in. I'm angry that I can never remember that fact and I'm always trying to force myself to thrive here (this is 'return to Lee's Summit' number FOUR), when my soul obviously says "no". But I try to make it happen, like a parent forcing their child into engineering when he really wants to be in the arts.
I think one thing I'm angry about the most is that I've been suckered into shame and fear based living my whole life, and I'm still suckered into it, on a daily basis. Would I be so concerned with all of this if I knew that life is a journey and my process is my process and God will perfect the good work that he started in me? No. I'd be at freaking peace. That is a word that's foreign to my soul right now.
I think ultimately I fear turning my circumstances into remedies for the issues in my heart. Because since I'm feeling all of this, all I want to do is run--to any place other than this one. And I know that would fix things, temporarily. But I'm longing for a true fix. True peace! The end of striving, of being ashamed, of fearing the inevitable. And I don't want an upward spiral of relief, I don't want things to get worse before they get better, I just want relief now. Because this is getting so OLD. And I'm out of ways to fight it.
... #frustrated
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4 comments:
i cried when i read this post. because every thing that you said was like looking into a mirror and seeing all my own desperate frustrations staring back at me. one line especially struck me, about "turning my circumstances into remedies for the issues in my heart". i never realized how much ywam allowed me to cover up/deny/and run from my problems until i left and now i have to live in the same city for more than 3 months at a time. now all i have for my company is the same old temptations and demons that i've been struggling with for years. but honestly just having the struggles isn't what bothers me the most--after all, no one said life would be easy. no, i am afraid of struggling with the same things that i have always struggled with because what does that say about jesus' "transformational power" that everyone talks about? dare i follow that train of thought, and i start wondering a lot of scary things about the power and promises of the One that i have based my entire existence on... and the very fact that i have cause to wonder scares me more than anything.
i don't know if any of that made sense, and i don't know if it's fair to ask if you have found any answers because i don't know if there are answers, but if you have any thoughts or insight i would love to hear it!
Amanda,
Have you been eavesdropping on my thought patterns? ...:)
Seriously, you just voiced EXACTLY what I've been pondering lately. Although, I won't lie, it took me a few weeks to actually admit I was thinking those things.
The one thing going round and round in my head has been exactly what you said--where is Christ's transformational power in my life? In looking at myself, I see myself struggling with the exact same things over and over. And alongside of that, I have a very hard time seeing God in any of it. I feel like I'm pulling myself through, and God is nowhere. It's my will power and my life experience that is helping me heal, not God. Whether that's true, or whether that's my anger clouding things, I still don't really know. But it opens up a world of questions. If I'm not seeing transformation, why am I pursuing Christianity? Even though it's not about me, Christianity is supposed to be centered around being transformed and sharing that transformed heart with the world, and helping others discover the One that transforms. But...what if I don't see/experience any of that? Am I misunderstanding something that, like you said, I'm basing my whole life on? And I've come to this conclusion--yes. I'm misunderstanding Him. I'm misunderstanding Christianity. I'm convinced I am. And so, I decided to go on a quest of throwing everything I've known about God and Christianity out the window and starting over with the Word. Because one thing I'm hearing from God, in this time when he is very silent, is that passivity with our pain is a very destructive place to be in. We have to actively struggle, or our life WILL cease to be transformational. So, I guess...that's my advice to you--actively struggle and seek out the answers to what you're going through. And don't depend on the good advice of others because...even though their intentions are good, God created you to experience and know him in a very specific way, that is probably different from most. So, that's my advice! Don't give up.
Thank you soooo much for your comment, Amanda. You're brilliant, honest and authentic. I love hearing your thoughts.
1. you are probably one of the most encouraging people i've ever talked to about this because with you there is no shame in the struggle or the questions, it's just being real!
2. your determination to throw out everything you know about christianity and find what is really there has given me a lot to think about. in truth, i have thought about this before. but it's one of those things that sounds amazing, but i'm not exactly sure how to do it or where to start... also, it would be a lie to say i'm not a bit afraid of what i would find. what if "real christianity" is uncomfortable, requires giving away all my money, and become--dare i say it--radical? scary. but what if that is the only way to find true transformation, peace, purpose, and fulfillment... like i said, you've definitely encouraged me to take another hard look at what i believe. thank you!
p.s. if it says that i deleted a previous comment, don't be offended, let's just say i had typing issues...
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