So, if I'm romantic and I'm motherly I would say that probably means I'm also pretty sentimental. I mean if I tear up when I see one of my students, I would say "sentimental" describes that condition pretty well. That or "weep-tastic".
So, ok, I'm sentimental.
I think I can accept that. Maybe even enjoy that. Some of the people I most admire are very sentimental, tearing up at tiny things, getting moved by hallmark commercials...
But I'm not sentimental with everything. Cheesy worship services, I hate. Excessive hugs and 'how-are-you's' make me want to punch people. My sentimentality mostly comes down to relationships. There are some friends in my life that I just love. It's hard for me to be super friendly and loving and sappy with strangers, but once I get to know someone and become fond of them--I love them. Sometimes so much that I almost have to contain myself when I see them. Because otherwise I would be jumping up and down and being squealy and teasing them and poking them and being all around obnoxious.
As someone who tends to see being stoic as being strong (which is NOT true, but I still find myself thinking that way), I notice that I subconsciously define my sentimentality as weakness. Maybe not just weakness, but unreliable feelings that really have no weight or bearing on outcomes. Because sentiment is fleeting. Choices are eternal. Right? I don't know, what's the balance between sentiment and love?
If there's one thing in my life that causes me torture, it's asking too many damn questions. Too many why's. Why's don't matter that much. They matter a little. But I'm watching myself ask why, and I'm watching my students ask why and I'm watching us all think ourselves to death with nothing left but empty hands and disappointment at unanswered questions that never mattered much in the first place. I think what we all really want to know is that we're okay. So I guess when I start asking a bunch of why's about all this, what I really am asking is if all of it is okay. I'm reminded of the verse from Philippians, "He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." And if I'm romantic, if I'm motherly, if I'm sentimental, if he's placed it in me, then it doesn't matter right now why it's there or the details of how it's being played out. What matters is that, if God is bringing it up now, more than any other time, that I trust Him to finish what he has started--that hopefully I can turn all these lovey-dovey feelings from foreign to familiar. And nurture them and use them to care for others and offer love to those who need it. Maybe these are the first signs of God transforming me in a way I so desperately want him to--moving me from being inward focused to outward. It feels silly and weird and sappy and girly, but...I don't know, I guess I'm cool with it.
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2 comments:
Becky,
Have I mentioned that I love reading your blog?
I find comfort in reading your searchings, as often I feel like I am wrestling with similar things.
I had an interesting conversation recently about this "sentimental" stuff... about "emotion" vs "logic" and how we pin those two against each other. I think for me, I always thought of head vs heart, where the head was logical and the heart was emotional and fleeting, and if they are at odds, to go with what my head said because he's smarter or something.
But we talked about maturity of knowledge and maturity of emotion, being on two different scales instead of on a teeter totter, being one or the other. Because Jesus was emotional, there is no denying that. He wasn't "all logic", but rather developed in both emotion and logic.
Also, in regard to being sentimental, I think it is something to be careful of, but I think you've got that figured out. Being sentimental about a time or place gives emotion weight and control of an ideal, a comfort, but sentiment about things representative of those we love, or being sentimental about those we love, is much safer territory. I'm not even sure "sentimental" is the right word. http://bit.ly/jSmtGn
I feel like overwhelmed with love for others is more your affliction than sentimental.
Also, I really like responding to your blog posts, because I feel like I kind of work through them in a different way, having to make things I type make sense. Hopefully that all made sense. :)
-Keith
Keith,
I always appreciate your thoughtful responses. But mostly I just appreciate your mind in general.
I love what you said, and hadn't even really thought about it that way, but it makes total sense: maturity in both head and heart, working together. I actually know someone who pretty much has that down...and he's more like Jesus than anyone I know.
I got a tumblr, p.s. and I'm following you on there.
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