God Whispers Things To Me In My Arrogance

I wrote this while having a mild panic attack in a suburban church this morning. Often, when I attend church, I sit there, look around the room and judge everyone in it. Harshly. Then get angry with Christianity for having such a shitty Church. What's funny, though, is that all of my judging can truly only reveal one thing--that I am really judging myself. I hate my judgmental mind, my disobedience to God and my preoccupation with myself, so I project it upon others. Anyway, my inner battle leads to anxiety and this is my normal church routine, the few times I actually attend. So this is what God spoke to me today.

"I should vow to journal every time i visit a church. To document the insurmountable anxiety. Frick. I did that in China. I journalled a few pages while I was at a church there. I'm glad I did because I discovered something. I was at an underground missionary church for foreign missionaries--and i still felt like that church was shit, everyone was fake and I wanted to run out of the room and go talk to an atheist stranger. Being here in this suburban, plastic church makes me long for an intelligent, grass roots, no-show service like [insert hipster KC church]. I think to myself that I could never remain somewhere like this Lees Summit church because everyone follows God blindly, defining him as a feel good, smiley, material, sentimental and disconnected "hope", versus a raw, fierce, relational and loving God. I wonder, while watching the worship leader sing and jump around like a member of Relient K (after a video with a robot voice and techno effects counted down to the start of worship. In seriousness.) if we even serve the same God. Do we? Who is delusional here? Me and my definition of God, or this guy and his definition? Or do we both serve the Almighty, it's just that He is abounding in love and patience with how each of us pursue him? If that's true, frick, we serve an incredible God. But also, if that's true that brings up the idea that God is relative in one way or another and that's a whole different topic. Anyway. I don't know. Troy Sherman's teaching comes to mind. The time he was telling us that you don't not go to church because you don't like it. You go to church to be the change that needs to happen. That's beautiful and true. It's trendy now to be mad at church, isn't it? To point the finger and find everything that's wrong so the church has nothing left to do but grovel and ask for forgiveness. I don't know, I think it might be us, the blamers, who need to get our knees and ask the church for forgiveness for not standing on our own two feet with the authority Christ gives us to forgive and rebuild things. Instead of being passive, blaming, whiny cowards. I guess the bottom line is that it could be a plastic suburban church or a hipster, trendy activist church...it doesn't matter what it is, I will find something to hate, judge, accuse or blame about it. It's time to grow up and see the beauty in it all. No one is beyond redemption. Even Christians."

So now, lets move on to bigger and better things.