Addiction--The Monster Becomes A Child

In terms of addiction (and probably any uncontrollable repetitive behavior), I've come to this conclusion about things.
You can ask the 'why' about the behavior. You can trace back years and years and maybe even find the cause. But that really doesn't fix anything.
You can fill your mirror and notebooks with sticky notes full of encouraging quotes and scripture verses. But that really gets you nowhere at the end of the day.
You can blame your circumstances for your behavior and claim that if only things were different, the behavior would change. But then you change jobs or move towns and you're still you.

So, my conclusion is this. The details of why your addiction is there is irrelevant. Helpful in seeing the big picture, maybe. But as far as fixing things--irrelevant. The reality is that a serious of circumstances have brought you were you are, and all you can do is take ownership for the fact that you now have an addiction. Now, the only person who can fix it is you. It's your choice to take it in your hands, with the grace you know God has bestowed upon you, and make day by day choices that turn your addiction from something that controls you into something that you control.

It's not about who or what caused it. It's not even about the substance itself. It's about you owning your life.  When this revelation hits the heart of an addict, it's powerful. Because striving after finding the right 'remedy' ceases. It's no longer the right step-by-step plan, the right key to unlocking your past or anything like that--it's your choices. Your present choices. Which way are you going to take them? Your next chance to decide will probably be in the next 5 minutes. May God help me and us to make the right one. I think He's the only one who can. It's weird when you realize that nothing in you is able to make the right choice...but suddenly, after desperate supplication to an invisible God and meditation on scripture your soul suddenly has the power to say no to the things that have so easily wooed it once before. The Holy Spirit transforms, heals and helps. But...doesn't move our mountains for us. He, like a gentlemen, still leaves everything in our hands, but offers a gentle whispering in our ears of guidance and hope. Beautiful, huh?

"You are the mother
the mother of your baby child
the one to whom you gave life
and you have your choices
and these are what make man great
his ladder to the stars"
--Timshel, Mumford & Sons

Day #7--The Demon Acedia

Fail #2.

And it's only been one week.

What's funny is, I've tried diets/fasts like this probably at least 100 times. And can never follow through. Ever. Consistency has always been completely out of my reach. I've tried accountability, food charts, alarm clock reminders, everything. What's keeping me from wanting to pursue the best for myself? I can't constrict this to simply food. This trend is everywhere in my life. I don't think there's one thing I do regularly, without fail. Except the things I don't want to do.

Usually, when I fail in a commitment like this, I fight it by motivating myself again towards deeper legalism: restricting myself more, making stricter schedules, putting notes up everywhere to remind myself of the goal. A few days go by where I'm super pumped, but those days are soon followed by a crash, and I go back to square one.

This is more complicated than a lack of self-control. Somewhere in my life there is a disconnect.

Yesterday I stumbled upon Gregory Boyd's website, and there's a Q&A section filled with the most common questions he gets from readers. Here's Gregory Boyd's response to a question from a man asking Gregory why God created him with an uncontrollable sex drive.
"The challenge is not to suppress your sex drive – which you’d probably have little success at doing anyway. The challenge, rather, is to make God the highest priority of your life. Seek first the Kingdom, Jesus said (Mt 6:33). You’ll find that the more you pour yourself into being a disciple of Jesus, the more power you’ll have over your sex drive."
Okay. Being a disciple of Christ brings about the fruits of the spirit, one of those being self-control. So, if you're a Christian, and you're struggling with self-control, the answer is, be devoted to Christ.

But, what if the very thought of being a disciple makes you shrug your shoulders?

Being very candid, that's where I'm at. I feel like my life is one big yawn. It's not that things are boring--it's that I just don't care. I feel like I have to make myself care about anything. This isn't depression and it's not laziness. And this isn't a symptom of some wound. It's not some misconception of God I have. Not this time. This is something that's rooted itself into my whole being. I can feel it. It's this perpetual apathy in everything and lack of strength to uproot it. I'm scrambling around trying to fight it with more and more commitments and schedules, but all that's doing is showing me that nothing inside of me will comply. And all I'm saying is, if Satan has a best way of making a Christian ineffective, it's this. Because you're not wounded and on your way to healing, you're not depressed and working through pain, you're sitting in the middle of an amazing, bustling life with your arms folded, picking at your nails wondering when it will all be finished.

I'm at a loss, honestly. I guess I need prayer. And I'm not giving up, day #8 will still come tomorrow.

Day #2--The Power Of The Mind

I almost forgot to blog today. Good thing I didn't.
Bipolar mood swings set in today. It's incredible to me how much fasts are NOT about the food. I'd say most fasting symptoms are 70% mental and 30% physical. Food is such an attachment. And when we don't get it...watch out the eff out.
Seriously.
I noticed something in me today. I was feeling really tired, headachey and grumpy to the nth degree (like literally eyes drooping shut in the passenger seat), while on my way to a meeting. Turns out that meeting was at a coffee shop. It didn't really cross my mind that I would get to have *caffeine* until I was about a block away and suddenly all of my tired, headachey and grumpy to the nth degree melted away and shot all the way up to butterflies and total elation and I perked up like a wilted flower getting water. In a matter of seconds. So either A. I'm as mentally dependent on caffeine as I am on food or B. any form of comfort sounds GREAT right now since I feel cold and skinny and like I could eat an entire jar of almond butter and still feel like I haven't eaten a thing. The hunger is the worst. I keep reading it lasts for about 10 days until it subsides. Lawd in heav'n. Or C. I underestimate the power of the mind.

Going to sleep with a rumblin' belly. Goodnight.

Day #1--Happy Easter

Happy Easter.

Today's church service was filled with pretty dresses, snazzy suits, amazing stories of redemption and reminders of the power of the Resurrection. We heard amazing testimonies of the redeeming nature of our God, and most stories had to do with individuals falling to rock bottom because of addiction stemming from some type of wound, and then being rescued from the pit by Jesus. I think we sometimes forget how prevalent addiction is. It's everywhere and in everyone in one way or another. Addictions come in all shapes and sizes and I'd argue that you can pretty much become addicted to anything. The smallest most seemingly insignificant thing, (TV for example) can have just as much, if not more power on someone than a substance like cocaine. It baffles my mind. Also, the power of the mind baffles my mind. Because that's the one thing all addictions trace back to--mind struggle. What would happen to the state of humanity if we gained power over our minds instead of the other way around? Is it even possible? It's interesting to think about.
Anyway, that's what was swirling around in my head during church. Now I'm back at home and other things are swirling around--mainly smells from the kitchen. Of cinnamon rolls, honey baked ham, sweet potatoes, dinner rolls, FRICK. Tonight I will be practicing sitting in my room with a cold plate of salad while the YWAMers sit around tables in the cafeteria sharing warm smiles and hot dishes of delectable treats. I'm not irate about it yet. Actually, I'm pretty peaceful about it. But it's only 8 hours into this fast. So far 2 bananas, almond butter and some cashews a few hours later have been enough to satisfy my spoiled belly. Oh, but I should probably mention that I had a caramel macchiato at 1pm. In an attempt to poop. That might be TMI for most of you, but for me, as the Colon Health Queen, it's nothin' more than a topic for dinner table discussion. So sorry in advance, but there might be much more poo talk in the next 29 posts than you might enjoy. Anyway, this is my written pact to you all (so far Josh Brown and maybe one other person) to NOT drink sugary lattes in order to poop anymore during this fast. Because I have a feeling it just re-toxifies me as if I'm back to square one. So. here's to no more coffee--yerba mate instead. Clean, yet stimulating--mentally and...physically.
Cheers.

30 Day Raw Fast--Begin.

     During the next 30 days I'm going to blog once a day to document a much needed raw food fast. The idea of blogging about it was probably the last thing on my mind because, as we all know, it's not the best thing to draw attention to yourself when you're fasting. It causes people to be impressed by what you're doing and then self-glorification is your only reward. Fasts are about much more than upping your ego. Fasting is a willful release from the things that bind you and it's a painful and ugly process. It uproots your emotions, causes your body to freak out with toxic elimination, and creates moodiness that changes from elation to rage in a matter of minutes. It SUCKS. Maybe more for me than anyone else. But food is a major, major vice in my life. I've gone on fasts, the longest stint being 8 days on juice. But on the 8th day, I wasn't quitting because I felt like I was finished. I quit because I was hungry. Which proved to me that I was still a slave to hunger. I had not yet become its master.
I've heard powerful testimonies from people who fast for long durations. I've only been able to catch glimpses of the change. I've never been able to be fully set free. So, I'm trying again. I have God on my side, which is a blessing and means I won't have to rely solely on the weak muscle strength of my will. But that also means I'm going to have to deal with the breaking of spiritual chains and bondage, not just physical. Which definitely ups the struggle.
     So, why am I blogging about this? Well, accountability for one reason. Although, I am aware that probably only two people read this blog, and that I could have accountability of every friend in my life and I would still rebel in one way or another. I know that my success will never come from accountability. If anything, accountability is simply a reminder of what I'm doing and why.  Secondly, I want to be able to lay out, day by day, the progression of this fast--the spiritual high, the inevitable rage, the grief, the detox symptoms, the transformation--and see the ebb and flow of 30 days of deprivation from my biggest go-to comfort source.
     I'm not excited about this. Mostly because I've tried diets like this probably 100 times and fail by day 3 like clockwork. I'm ridiculously good at convincing myself out of these types of things--telling myself that it's not healthy, that I don't need it or that 7 days is long enough. But I know, deep in my heart, that this is right and necessary. So, here's my documentation of how I currently feel and my written commitment to these next 30 days. Watch me try to fight it like a crack head in a matter of hours.

     Happy Easter tomorrow. God, thank you for being alive. Accept this sacrifice. As small as it is, it's the greatest thing I can offer you at this point.