Finished Hat (yay!) and The Definition Of Reality

So, I finished the rainbow hat. After making it and taking it apart like literally 10 times, i finally came to a decent ending. Thank you for the pattern. I tweaked it a lot though (straight needles instead of circular, worsted weight yarn instead of bulky, 40 st instead of 48 st...), which is probably (definitely) why it took me forever to make it look good enough to wear. Anyway here it is.






The problem with hand knitted hats, is that they always tend to look...homemade.

Anyway. Now I can say I've knitted a hat.


On to bigger and better things.

Look at this beautiful definition I found for "reality":

Re-al-i-ty
noun
Philosophy
a. something that exists independently of ideas concerning it.
b. something that exists independently of all other things and from which all other things derive.

Lately I've been perplexed by what exactly reality is and how we can be sure we're pursuing it. I've been preoccupied by this lately, mostly because I'm aware of how much our lives and worth are based on things that are NOT reality (i.e. anxiety, fears, the opinions of others, living vicariously through movies or stories etc, and then things like social networking sites and cell phones that allow us to project reality rather than live it). Although I think the above definition is beautiful and true, it's making me wonder even deeper. Automatically, I want to say, "So, pain is reality." Like, emotional pain or physical pain. But are we making judgments about our pain (comparing the sensitivity level to that of which we've always known to be mild or intense), which are therefore ideas, which is therefore outside of reality? If it is that way, can't you apply that to pretty much anything? What is real? This might be really elementary philosophy, I'm not sure. Anyway,

here's the answer:
I don't know.

But here's what my experience has told me about reality, however reliable experience may or may not be:
Suffering is reality.
Joy is reality.
Relationship is reality.
Good is reality.
Evil is reality.

And those are the only definites I can think of right now. Everything else I've yet to discover.

I wonder, in this day and age, how much in a given day most of us actually spend in reality. Communing with one another, engaging in the full spectrum of life experiences at our fingertips. How much of our time do we spend hiding behind perceptions, fears, profile pictures or twitter updates? Ultimately I think the point of this whole post comes down to this--it freaks me the hell out how much we can THINK we're living, when, in reality, we are not. We are picking and choosing a desired reality.

If you feel inclined, please comment to create conversation.

My next post might be about what in life tends to control us most. That seems to be the way this is going.

My final news is this, and is completely off subject--I had a badass dream the other night. Sneak peek: I was transported to another world, Elise was there, me and our crew ended up in a haunted house where zombies popped out of the sand in fencing outfits, and me and a perfect boy fell in love and sought for the greater good of the world. It was AWESOME. and epic. I might blog the whole thing later. We'll see.

French Press (my new boyfriend) and Discipline

This french press discovery is the freakin' bid-nizz. I love it. If you're ever wondering where I am about an hour after I wake up, I'm sitting on the couch in my living room with one of these babies.


Dip a few oreos in there...perfection. The Finer Things.

The next post will hopefully show my finished rainbow slouchy hat I'm knitting. I've finished it and taken it apart like 3 times. I'm really having to tweak the pattern so hopefully I'll have it finished here pretty soon. And then I'm making one for Adam and Alison. They may or may not be aware of that.

Okay.
Life.
Specifically on the matter of discipline.

Lately I've had lots of discipline in my life. Spiritual and physical. It seems like it's coming easily right now. I go through peaks and valleys with stuff like this, as I'm sure everyone does. Sometimes it feels like the last thing in the world I want to do. Other times it feels like my soul needs a spiritual or physical massage so bad I can't finish my day without spending time with God. Or spending time with Rodney Yee.
I am noticing a pattern, though. When discipline is most prominent in my life, it seems to come when I respect myself the most. When I'm not depressed, anxious or lonely. Discipline comes easiest when I sincerely want the highest form of good for myself. So, logically you would think that I would strive to get rid of any depression, anxiety or loneliness in order that I might be able to keep this desire to love myself. But I don't think so. Negative feelings are just as real as positive feelings. And just as vital to a full live experience. Without them, how would we grow?
I guess the question I'm asking (or the truth I'm stating) is this--how do we fully allow ourselves to feel our sadness (because we will never always feel good), while mustering up the strength to treat ourselves with the highest form of good no matter what we feel? How can we make sure to remind ourselves to search for reality and Good in the valleys of our life experiences?

I guess we just...pray and do it.

Instead of wondering how and beating ourselves up because we "can't" do it. I don't know. I'm all about bucking up lately and putting and end to whining. I've done a lot of whining. A lot. Sometimes I look back on my life and can't believe how much talking and wondering I've done. It's obscene. I'm finally seeing that life, when all you do is stand in the middle of whirling questions, experiences, fears and mysteries, and just stare at them asking the questions "WHY" and "HOW" over and over...that isn't life. Life is standing in the midst of all that, asking those same questions and physically moving forward with them. Taking steps with them. Action. Action. Action. When will we stop avoiding pain and challenges and obstacles, searching for "real life"...and finally open our eyes to the fact that pain challenges and obstacles...are our lives?

Please ponder and respond.

Domestic Tendencies

Preface:
I had a french press for the first time the other day. It was just so good. and frothy. and textured. and for the first time, I made coffee at home that didn't taste like burnt bacon water. Thanks Elise.
Also, I think I might start taking pictures of the plethora of things I'm creating lately to post on here. I baked a perfect looking fruit coffee cake the other day. And I'm knitting the cutest rainbow hat ever. I'm also a grandmother.

Next order of business--

I am r.e.s.t.l.e.s.s.
I am craving new-ness again.

i.e.--

The World Is Too Much With Us

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon,
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers,
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.--Great God! I'd rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn,
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.

William Wordsworth

Guess What This Is!?

A hairless bear!!! ewwwwwww........

I used to think bears were really scary, but now I don't know. Look at what they look like with all their hair gone. Like a...marmot elephant... hybrid.

Freedom

Are you free once you're enslaved?
Or enslaved once you're free?

There is a man sitting in a cage with peace in his smile, who stares at a man sitting outside of the cage with inconsolability in the wringing of his hands.

Who is free?
and by what measure?

"Freedom"...
God?
Master of Self?
Enlightenment?
Mindfulness?
Acceptance?

Which one, says who, at what time?

The Wise Mind

Thoughts

are different from

Feelings

are different from

Actions

God Whispers Things To Me In My Arrogance

I wrote this while having a mild panic attack in a suburban church this morning. Often, when I attend church, I sit there, look around the room and judge everyone in it. Harshly. Then get angry with Christianity for having such a shitty Church. What's funny, though, is that all of my judging can truly only reveal one thing--that I am really judging myself. I hate my judgmental mind, my disobedience to God and my preoccupation with myself, so I project it upon others. Anyway, my inner battle leads to anxiety and this is my normal church routine, the few times I actually attend. So this is what God spoke to me today.

"I should vow to journal every time i visit a church. To document the insurmountable anxiety. Frick. I did that in China. I journalled a few pages while I was at a church there. I'm glad I did because I discovered something. I was at an underground missionary church for foreign missionaries--and i still felt like that church was shit, everyone was fake and I wanted to run out of the room and go talk to an atheist stranger. Being here in this suburban, plastic church makes me long for an intelligent, grass roots, no-show service like [insert hipster KC church]. I think to myself that I could never remain somewhere like this Lees Summit church because everyone follows God blindly, defining him as a feel good, smiley, material, sentimental and disconnected "hope", versus a raw, fierce, relational and loving God. I wonder, while watching the worship leader sing and jump around like a member of Relient K (after a video with a robot voice and techno effects counted down to the start of worship. In seriousness.) if we even serve the same God. Do we? Who is delusional here? Me and my definition of God, or this guy and his definition? Or do we both serve the Almighty, it's just that He is abounding in love and patience with how each of us pursue him? If that's true, frick, we serve an incredible God. But also, if that's true that brings up the idea that God is relative in one way or another and that's a whole different topic. Anyway. I don't know. Troy Sherman's teaching comes to mind. The time he was telling us that you don't not go to church because you don't like it. You go to church to be the change that needs to happen. That's beautiful and true. It's trendy now to be mad at church, isn't it? To point the finger and find everything that's wrong so the church has nothing left to do but grovel and ask for forgiveness. I don't know, I think it might be us, the blamers, who need to get our knees and ask the church for forgiveness for not standing on our own two feet with the authority Christ gives us to forgive and rebuild things. Instead of being passive, blaming, whiny cowards. I guess the bottom line is that it could be a plastic suburban church or a hipster, trendy activist church...it doesn't matter what it is, I will find something to hate, judge, accuse or blame about it. It's time to grow up and see the beauty in it all. No one is beyond redemption. Even Christians."

So now, lets move on to bigger and better things.

Ask Yourself

What is reality?
What is perceived reality?
How do you tell the difference?