The Addictiveness of Isolation

        I'm irritated at whoever invented suburbs and single family dwellings. and cubicles.

        Lately, because of my foot injury, I only get to work about 1/3 of what I would like. That's led to me having lots of downtime. Lots. Isolation is funny because at first you think it's a wonderful luxury and a way to re-energize and get everything done you've needed to get done for so long. Eventually though, it turns out to be like your stoner room mate you can't get rid of.
        "Just chill out for a while."
        "Lets just hang out here again."
        "Lets get pizza...."
        It tricks you into wanting more and more isolation. You discover you're starting to need all this downtime in order to have the energy to go out and do things with actual people. Then you start to hate your isolation because it's boring and not fulfilling and all you want is someone to come over and hang out, but when they finally do, you get pissed off because they're ruining your perfect, controlled isolated space. Everything becomes way too much effort and you'd rather sit around daydreaming then living in reality with other human beings.

        It creeps me out.

        The only solution I see to this is to get off my ass and go pursue some people. I hate it when people make excuses for things because it shows immaturity and irresponsibility, but I'm being honest when I say it's simply hard to get off my ass. It's hard to fight my self. Half the time I don't even recognize when I'm giving into a fight with it. I don't recognize when I'm being controlled by my own feelings or emotions. Sometimes I swear I just let them take me by the hand and we skip along, in my mind or in real life, to things that look so great and sparkly and easy. But, in actuality, are mostly just a waste of my time and/or really stupid.

        But then sometimes, I instead choose to take them by the hand and we go places healthy and constructive to my mind, places full of character and challenge.

        I genuinely hope I can continue this upward spiral of taking responsibility for my life that's been going on the past few months, and not let a spout of downtime lead me into significant life regression. Good thing God is good at snapping me back to reality.

Finished Hat (yay!) and The Definition Of Reality

So, I finished the rainbow hat. After making it and taking it apart like literally 10 times, i finally came to a decent ending. Thank you for the pattern. I tweaked it a lot though (straight needles instead of circular, worsted weight yarn instead of bulky, 40 st instead of 48 st...), which is probably (definitely) why it took me forever to make it look good enough to wear. Anyway here it is.






The problem with hand knitted hats, is that they always tend to look...homemade.

Anyway. Now I can say I've knitted a hat.


On to bigger and better things.

Look at this beautiful definition I found for "reality":

Re-al-i-ty
noun
Philosophy
a. something that exists independently of ideas concerning it.
b. something that exists independently of all other things and from which all other things derive.

Lately I've been perplexed by what exactly reality is and how we can be sure we're pursuing it. I've been preoccupied by this lately, mostly because I'm aware of how much our lives and worth are based on things that are NOT reality (i.e. anxiety, fears, the opinions of others, living vicariously through movies or stories etc, and then things like social networking sites and cell phones that allow us to project reality rather than live it). Although I think the above definition is beautiful and true, it's making me wonder even deeper. Automatically, I want to say, "So, pain is reality." Like, emotional pain or physical pain. But are we making judgments about our pain (comparing the sensitivity level to that of which we've always known to be mild or intense), which are therefore ideas, which is therefore outside of reality? If it is that way, can't you apply that to pretty much anything? What is real? This might be really elementary philosophy, I'm not sure. Anyway,

here's the answer:
I don't know.

But here's what my experience has told me about reality, however reliable experience may or may not be:
Suffering is reality.
Joy is reality.
Relationship is reality.
Good is reality.
Evil is reality.

And those are the only definites I can think of right now. Everything else I've yet to discover.

I wonder, in this day and age, how much in a given day most of us actually spend in reality. Communing with one another, engaging in the full spectrum of life experiences at our fingertips. How much of our time do we spend hiding behind perceptions, fears, profile pictures or twitter updates? Ultimately I think the point of this whole post comes down to this--it freaks me the hell out how much we can THINK we're living, when, in reality, we are not. We are picking and choosing a desired reality.

If you feel inclined, please comment to create conversation.

My next post might be about what in life tends to control us most. That seems to be the way this is going.

My final news is this, and is completely off subject--I had a badass dream the other night. Sneak peek: I was transported to another world, Elise was there, me and our crew ended up in a haunted house where zombies popped out of the sand in fencing outfits, and me and a perfect boy fell in love and sought for the greater good of the world. It was AWESOME. and epic. I might blog the whole thing later. We'll see.

French Press (my new boyfriend) and Discipline

This french press discovery is the freakin' bid-nizz. I love it. If you're ever wondering where I am about an hour after I wake up, I'm sitting on the couch in my living room with one of these babies.


Dip a few oreos in there...perfection. The Finer Things.

The next post will hopefully show my finished rainbow slouchy hat I'm knitting. I've finished it and taken it apart like 3 times. I'm really having to tweak the pattern so hopefully I'll have it finished here pretty soon. And then I'm making one for Adam and Alison. They may or may not be aware of that.

Okay.
Life.
Specifically on the matter of discipline.

Lately I've had lots of discipline in my life. Spiritual and physical. It seems like it's coming easily right now. I go through peaks and valleys with stuff like this, as I'm sure everyone does. Sometimes it feels like the last thing in the world I want to do. Other times it feels like my soul needs a spiritual or physical massage so bad I can't finish my day without spending time with God. Or spending time with Rodney Yee.
I am noticing a pattern, though. When discipline is most prominent in my life, it seems to come when I respect myself the most. When I'm not depressed, anxious or lonely. Discipline comes easiest when I sincerely want the highest form of good for myself. So, logically you would think that I would strive to get rid of any depression, anxiety or loneliness in order that I might be able to keep this desire to love myself. But I don't think so. Negative feelings are just as real as positive feelings. And just as vital to a full live experience. Without them, how would we grow?
I guess the question I'm asking (or the truth I'm stating) is this--how do we fully allow ourselves to feel our sadness (because we will never always feel good), while mustering up the strength to treat ourselves with the highest form of good no matter what we feel? How can we make sure to remind ourselves to search for reality and Good in the valleys of our life experiences?

I guess we just...pray and do it.

Instead of wondering how and beating ourselves up because we "can't" do it. I don't know. I'm all about bucking up lately and putting and end to whining. I've done a lot of whining. A lot. Sometimes I look back on my life and can't believe how much talking and wondering I've done. It's obscene. I'm finally seeing that life, when all you do is stand in the middle of whirling questions, experiences, fears and mysteries, and just stare at them asking the questions "WHY" and "HOW" over and over...that isn't life. Life is standing in the midst of all that, asking those same questions and physically moving forward with them. Taking steps with them. Action. Action. Action. When will we stop avoiding pain and challenges and obstacles, searching for "real life"...and finally open our eyes to the fact that pain challenges and obstacles...are our lives?

Please ponder and respond.

Domestic Tendencies

Preface:
I had a french press for the first time the other day. It was just so good. and frothy. and textured. and for the first time, I made coffee at home that didn't taste like burnt bacon water. Thanks Elise.
Also, I think I might start taking pictures of the plethora of things I'm creating lately to post on here. I baked a perfect looking fruit coffee cake the other day. And I'm knitting the cutest rainbow hat ever. I'm also a grandmother.

Next order of business--

I am r.e.s.t.l.e.s.s.
I am craving new-ness again.

i.e.--

The World Is Too Much With Us

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon,
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers,
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.--Great God! I'd rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn,
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.

William Wordsworth

Guess What This Is!?

A hairless bear!!! ewwwwwww........

I used to think bears were really scary, but now I don't know. Look at what they look like with all their hair gone. Like a...marmot elephant... hybrid.