God Whispers Things To Me In My Arrogance

I wrote this while having a mild panic attack in a suburban church this morning. Often, when I attend church, I sit there, look around the room and judge everyone in it. Harshly. Then get angry with Christianity for having such a shitty Church. What's funny, though, is that all of my judging can truly only reveal one thing--that I am really judging myself. I hate my judgmental mind, my disobedience to God and my preoccupation with myself, so I project it upon others. Anyway, my inner battle leads to anxiety and this is my normal church routine, the few times I actually attend. So this is what God spoke to me today.

"I should vow to journal every time i visit a church. To document the insurmountable anxiety. Frick. I did that in China. I journalled a few pages while I was at a church there. I'm glad I did because I discovered something. I was at an underground missionary church for foreign missionaries--and i still felt like that church was shit, everyone was fake and I wanted to run out of the room and go talk to an atheist stranger. Being here in this suburban, plastic church makes me long for an intelligent, grass roots, no-show service like [insert hipster KC church]. I think to myself that I could never remain somewhere like this Lees Summit church because everyone follows God blindly, defining him as a feel good, smiley, material, sentimental and disconnected "hope", versus a raw, fierce, relational and loving God. I wonder, while watching the worship leader sing and jump around like a member of Relient K (after a video with a robot voice and techno effects counted down to the start of worship. In seriousness.) if we even serve the same God. Do we? Who is delusional here? Me and my definition of God, or this guy and his definition? Or do we both serve the Almighty, it's just that He is abounding in love and patience with how each of us pursue him? If that's true, frick, we serve an incredible God. But also, if that's true that brings up the idea that God is relative in one way or another and that's a whole different topic. Anyway. I don't know. Troy Sherman's teaching comes to mind. The time he was telling us that you don't not go to church because you don't like it. You go to church to be the change that needs to happen. That's beautiful and true. It's trendy now to be mad at church, isn't it? To point the finger and find everything that's wrong so the church has nothing left to do but grovel and ask for forgiveness. I don't know, I think it might be us, the blamers, who need to get our knees and ask the church for forgiveness for not standing on our own two feet with the authority Christ gives us to forgive and rebuild things. Instead of being passive, blaming, whiny cowards. I guess the bottom line is that it could be a plastic suburban church or a hipster, trendy activist church...it doesn't matter what it is, I will find something to hate, judge, accuse or blame about it. It's time to grow up and see the beauty in it all. No one is beyond redemption. Even Christians."

So now, lets move on to bigger and better things.

Ask Yourself

What is reality?
What is perceived reality?
How do you tell the difference?

God Is Patient With Us Slow Learners.

I am thankful for God's patience. In my constant striving after the ultimate manifestation of his glory on earth, I keep finding I'm way ahead of myself. As much as I hate to say this, there is much work to be done in me before I can go conquer evil and help save the suffering in His name. But I can say confidently that he has been faithful in preparing me. Looking back on the past year (and a year is such a short period of time!) God has taken me lightyears from where I was. I'm so thankful for that. But I'm still not 100% ready to take on what I'd like to, but I know God is going to be faithful to prepare me. And in that, I must be faithful not not make a god out of justice or activism so much that I lose sight of my God. I know all too well that if I lose sight of him, I have nothing to offer.
So God, be patient with me still. may I chase after the solid rock of your heart, and not be a retard and chase after the wind.

that being said, I'm working on plugging into a place to serve for the next few months...please pray God guides me and keeps my eyes open to places where there is a vital need, be it overseas or in the USA.

I'll be home on Thanksgiving! Can't wait to see everyone :)

Mind vs. Heart

“The moment God is figured out with nice neat lines and definitions, we are no longer dealing with God.”--Rob Bell

Very few things in life are formulaic and understandable.

Especially the wild, beautiful, unpredictable and mysterious God that Is.

The Galilee Project

Hi, everyone :)

I've been back in Salem for a little over a month now, in a leadership school called The Galilee Project. I'd love to write a really detailed blog about it and what God's been showing me, but it's flying by so fast, I'm having a hard time digesting it all; although I know inner change is happening, whether I'm conscious of it or not.

But there is one thing I can definitely pinpoint God nudging me about so far: not allowing emotions and feelings (aka. fear, laziness, insecurity, etc) dictate what I choose to do. I'm notorious for making excuses to get out of things, or for convincing myself out of responsibility, or of flat out shrinking back from something even when I'm only mildly afraid. Usually when I think of the word "fearlessness", big feats come to mind, not daily, mundane tasks. But God has been showing me that you can only be fearless in the big things when you become fearless in the small things. And if I'm not giving my all in a situation because of any reason other than some type of physical or mental block that I literally cannot overcome, then I'm either being fearful or lazy. And God wants our best in all areas of life, not the big ones. I'm great at talking about courage and fearlessness, but when it really comes down to it, I'm the biggest coward out there. Seriously. Talk and action are two very different things. God is showing me that action trumps talk any day.

So, please pray that God would continue to redefine who He is from my perspective and that I wouldn't miss out on any learning opportunity this school can offer. And please comment or email me about any concerns in your life, so that I might pray for you as well. Your concerns are my concerns.

Love,
Becky