Art, Christianity and Why I Sometimes Hate Them Both

I watched a documentary called Beautiful Losers last night, a documentary about New York street artists and their collaborative art gallery 'Alleged'. Then tonight I watched Ray, the movie about Ray Charles.
If there's two things I love, it's street art and soul music. If there's two things I've never been, it's daring, risky, brooding with soul and life. I've stifled those things. Both consciously and subconsciously.

I've been observing myself as an artist lately. Sometimes I hate art, especially my own. I've been asking myself why that is. My process has been this: I'm not sure if I remember a time when I painted straight from who I am, rather than painting what I think people want to see. I've been asking myself what kind of art I would create if I began creating from the things that go on in my mind and my heart. Would I still create rigid, detailed portraits, obsessing over every line and shadow until it reaches perfection? No. I'm beginning to think my art has been another way in my life to exhibit some type of control when I'm well aware of the fact that there's nothing about my mind, heart or life that I can control. But what a relief, right? What an escape--to be able to keel over a piece of paper and perfect the face of someone else, to replicate someone else's creation with precision and perfection, knowing I can place my pencil on the page, will it to move and have it listen.

The people in my life that have affected me the most are the ones that were broken.
The concepts in my life that have affected me the most have been the radical ones.
No one has ever impacted much of anything by being perfect. 

I'm wondering how this theme of perfection in my life translates into my religion. Probably in every sense of the word. Sometimes I find myself hating Christianity because of how incredibly vapid it can be. There are times I sit in a Christian small group or listen to a fellow Christian giving me "sound advice" and all I am thinking is that there's a possible chance I'm devoting my life to complete tripe. But I shove that feeling down because it's the right thing to do, and if I voiced it or asked questions, eyebrows would be raised and people would question my salvation. People would ask me why I'm a missionary. And I get that. I mean, those are logical questions to ask. But out of all the times I loathed Christianity, I've never felt that way about God--the huge God who encompasses vitality and transcends conditioned religious thinking. That God gives me hope to sit through the person telling me I just need to pray more or have more faith. He gives me grace for our religion perverted and dumbed down with human striving and frantic attempts to construct and box-in the undefinable. He encourages me sit down alone with him, pray and get honest. I want those times with God to cross over into my art, as well as my writing.

I'm tired of creating art and writing to please others and to get praise. Anybody will tell you they like something or that it looks nice. Not many people will tell you that your work is shit, even if it is. I'm aiming to begin creating things that draw out a disturbance from those who view it--whether that disturbance is positive or negative. I want it to be more than a pretty thing to look at (although there are times for that). I want it to be what art was meant to be. Then maybe I won't hate it so much.