Literary Collard Greens

My Nostrils

2012-01-25T00:21:00.001-06:00

It's interesting how after 10+ years of practice at drawing, I am still learning how vital is to have a 'warm-up' session. Just like a singer or athlete. My first version of this drawing, without a warm up, looked like a blind contour version of "The Scream".

Anyway.

Here's a sketch of a Sanders' schnoz.

My Teeth, Gums, and Lips

2012-01-23T23:42:00.001-06:00

Because I wrote 'grill' at the top of this sketch, I unfortunately had Nelly singing THIS quote in my head the whole time I was doodlin'.

"ROB THE JEW'RY STORE AND TELL EM MAKE ME A GRILL"

Anyway, today I drew my mouf. Up close and poisuhnal. Series to come? Maybe. We never can tell.

2012 Soular Flexus Regimen: Exercise 1

2012-01-18T20:48:00.004-06:00

The 2012 Soular Flexus Regimen

Exercise 1.

Today's exercise was: yelling.

Me and Elise went to Blue Springs lake.

And just yelled.

At first, it was just "AUUGHHH" yelling, but eventually turned into words, and then we started yelling out Psalms about creation. It was pretty epic. Although we both agreed that even though our throats were sore and voices shakey, it still didn't get that easier or less stupid feeling to yell at the top of your lungs for no apparent reason. But maybe, it doesn't need to get any easier? Or maybe the exhilaration isn't immediate. Or maybe we'll just need to keep doing it. Either way, I think the act of being loud stirs things in the spirit.

Sometimes I forget how beautiful Missouri is. This specific lake, when viewed from the right angle, looks like the scene from Harry Potter 3 when he rides the hippogriff over the lake. Hence, the inspiration to yell at THIS location. It was REAL cold and there was ice all up ons the water. Memories were definitely made.

Next Week: Exercise 2. Get Physical.

The 2012 Soular Flexus Regimen

2012-01-17T22:56:00.003-06:00

After discussing my previous post with my BFF Elise Packingham over coffee this morning, something great has been born.

The 2012 Soular Flexus Regimen.

After I wrote yesterdays post, I was thinking about what an obese soul really needs. It needs exercise, of course. But more than that, it needs an EXERCISE REGIMEN. One to firm up the fat, whittle the middle, and boost the butt. Anyone can exercise their body, but how does one go about exercising the soul?

By stretching, flexing and caring for the weak parts. I.e. the things you're afraid of, the areas you feel stupid, the areas you've never used.

Me and Elise collaborated and came up with a few well rounded exercises for the soul in need of some fat blasting.

1. Yell. In front of others or with others (not at others). This is especially for those who are generally quiet--there's something empowering in pulling a big, mighty voice deep from your diaphragm for no other reason than the fact that you can.
2. Get physical. Seriously, get moving. Preferably with, or in front of others. Whether it's jogging down the road or climbing a mountain, when your body moves, your soul moves. And when it moves with others, it moves even more.
3. Dance. Quit saying you don't like dancing and admit to yourself that you're just embarrassed that you're bad at it (because seriously, who doesn't like dancing? No one!)
4. Get up close and personal with the marginalized of your city. Talk to them. Not from a pedestal, but from mutuality. Learn from them.
5. Do something you're afraid of that you're afraid to admit to others. This isn't normal 'face your fears' stuff like, go do some public speaking (although that's valuable). This is about really asking yourself what you're avoiding due to fear that people will know you're afraid. Example: I say I don't like dancing. and parties. DA TRUF is, I love them, I'm just terrified of both, so I avoid them and give the excuse that I find them unenjoyable, and I'd rather sit at home by myself, sitting still. Not true. Secrets out.
6. Tell someone you like that you like them, especially if it's likely they won't return the feelings. This confession can be romantic or platonic. Remember Proverbs 27:5: "Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed." Refer to my previous post, 'The Power Of Voicing Love'.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.

Me and Elise will be meeting for a weekly blubber-busting soul workout starting tomorrow. I want to extend an invitation to you to join us on one, or all of the above exercises, and more that will be added to the list in the upcoming weeks. I will be documenting each of our exercises, so please follow along, either by reading, or joining us on an excursion.

Here's to finally getting that six pack.

I've Gotten Chubby (On The Inside)

2012-01-16T20:37:00.001-06:00

Welp. I'm taking a trip. I've got it all planned out. The past few months, I've felt really good about this plan. I've felt in control. Accomplished. Like I'm headed somewhere.
I'm currently experiencing that phase of 'planning' when the plans actually start materializing, and all of that control, accomplishment and good direction crap gets thrown out the window. I don't leave for another three months, but...I'm kind of starting to freak out.

My current plan is (give or take a few cities):
Lausanne, Switzerland
to
Athens, Greece
to
Rome, Italy
to
Cairo, Egypt
to
Jerusalem, Israel
to
Tarsus, Turkey
to
Cork, Ireland.

GEEZE

I'm terrified. So many what ifs. But...I won't lie. I'm not scared enough to wimp out. I'm ready to get out of this rock I've been living under for the past few months. I live a very narrow existence right now, working at a craft store in a Missouri 'burb, saving money. In 76 days, I'm going to be throwing myself into something big. Bigger than picture frames and glitter paint and crappy home decor. Thank God. Honestly. My soul feels like it needs exercise. Like it's been under-challenged working a minimum wage job, but also like it's been overfed during my downtime with thinking, analyzing and introspection. It has all the symptoms of the body of an obese person: tired, achey, difficult to motivate, always hungry for more than what it's being fed. It just needs to go for a jog, and get reminded that there is much more happening in the world. So many people, so much history, so much culture! So much new GOD STUFF to experience. I'm missing out on it. Gross. Time to get all Jillian Michaels on the ass of my soul. So, Soul--quit whining, quit being afraid of stupid crap, quit making excuses, quit enabling yourself to live small. LET'S GET RIPPED.

Did some drawrin'.

2012-01-12T22:48:00.004-06:00

Sketched a couple self portraits. More to come, probably. I can't seem to do just one of anything. (p.s. these are both from life)

(click to enlarge)

Calling Out Growth

2011-12-31T10:01:00.002-06:00

This post stems from the one I wrote a couple weeks ago, about voicing love. But this time, I want to talk about pulling out specific qualities in your friends and naming them, and what kind of power that carries.

I remember in the summer of 2010, I had just come on staff to YWAM Salem. Even though I had been there before, had incredible times, and made many friends, being on staff felt very odd, disillusioning and lonely. It was kind of a shock, and to be honest, and I felt very small. I wondered what impact I could make there, if I could make any at all. I had no direction as to why I was there, I was only there because I felt God nudge me to go. So, I was feeling pretty aimless.
One day I was at lunch and sitting with someone that I admire a lot, someone who is probably one of the top 3 biggest influences in my life. And we're just sitting there, chatting, and suddenly he said, "You know, Becky...I see so much growth in you. I was telling someone I mentor the other day of the importance of taking spirituality seriously, and I said to them, 'You know someone who does that? Becky Sanders.'"
It caught me off guard. I said, "What? Really?"
He said, "Definitely. I know you can't see it, but you've come a long way."
There were a few reasons this was a big deal to me. #1. I admire this person a great deal. #2. I was in the midst of a major dry season, spiritually. #3. I felt like I had actually been regressing instead of progressing. He went on to list more things he was noticing in me, and I remember sitting there, first of all extremely humbled, but second of all, SO encouraged. It was like his words were bringing to life another side of me that I didn't think would ever be able to take breath, because of all my downfalls, failures and repeated mistakes. By declaring my strengths, this person was becoming a life giver for me. Like I said in my previous post, there is not only so much power in knowing someone likes you for you, but there's HUGE power in specifically naming someone's growth points and calling them out.

So, again, here is a task for you: Find a friend. Your best friend. Or someone that you know very well, someone you've been able to observe, someone you're close enough to that you have the authority to be able to call out the growth you're seeing. Sit them down. Name the specific things you see (increased awareness, confidence, greater peace, better skills at something they're pursuing, etc). Mean what you say. Don't water it down with flowery speech and sappy sentiment (unless that person is into that kind of thing). And then take a step back and watch how calling those things forth causes your friend to be able to not only dwell in those growth points, but transform in a greater way than if no one had noticed.

Start paying attention to where you're friends minds and hearts are headed. Be conscious of your ability to be a life giver. And tell them when they're moving on the up and up.

St. Mark's

2011-12-31T09:32:00.001-06:00

(I found this buried in the depths of my blog drafts. I wrote it last year, after going to listen to a compline choir while on a mobile trip in Seattle.)

I recently got a chance to sit in on the compline choir at St. Mark's episcopal church in Seattle.

It moved me so much I wrote a poem about it. Revel in my cheesiness.

Tiptoe swiftly past
the doorman with the smiling eyes
raise my head to see
hundreds of figures.
Some intently focused
eyes closed and lips silently moving,
Others lightheartedly receiving,
eyes open and wandering.
Prostrate, kneeling, cross-legged
in pews, on ledges, on concrete floor
filling nearly every open space
in the colossal chapel of St. Mark's.

Find my seat on the cold ground
amidst people of every kind
cross my legs
and breathe.
The sea of sihouettes
allows me to absorb
into the atmosphere,
morph
into the hundreds
gathering for a half an hour
to simply listen.

Silence.
The church is void of
talking, moving, rustling.
The stillness is thick
but the anticipation is loud
each person waiting
in silent expectation
to hear sounds that allow them
to escape from the present
and enter into the unknown.

Finally a note is heard
Rising slowly from a undefined place
Growing greater as the seconds tick by
A note
in perfect pitch
Clear and crisp
echoing of the walls of the chapel
Then
another note
wraps its arms around the first
in perfect harmony
Then
another
and another
notes linking arms with one another
sung from the mouths of monks
hidden from sight.

Notes turn into words
words into prayers.
Verses from the holy scriptures
developed into chants
the chants of the Gregorian monks at st. Marks.

Their voices unite the crowd
all gathering, wonderstruck
by the beauty
of what is tickling their ears
melody, harmony, praise
striking in our hearts
that familiar feeling
of being enveloped in something
our heads deny
but our hearts can't help
but give into.

The Struggle to Actively Struggle

2011-12-25T18:04:00.003-06:00

I think today I want to write about resisting struggle, but that may or may not be where this post ends up.

First and foremost--I need to learn to take my own advice. I can't tell you how many times I tell people that active struggle will produce for them a full life, one with a broad spectrum of awareness, emotion, joy, pain, love, and everything in between. I consistently voice against numbing pain and unpleasantness through entertainment, spending, food, or what have you. But man, lately...I've been succumbing to the demon Numbness in an extraordinary way. It's a daily battle (or should I say daily defeat? Because I usually give in before the battle even begins.) It's easy enough for someone to tell someone else who is struggling with something to not give up, to keep going, that light will come, and that the beauty of life is in struggling. But what do you say to someone who isn't struggling today, but every day? With the same stuff? At what point does active struggle in a situation like that become a waste of time?

And that's kind of where I'm at. Active struggle feels like a waste of time to me. I guess you could call that hopelessness. Which everyone says is the worst possible place to be in. Which makes me feel ashamed that I would even succumb to something like that. Which makes me want to actively engage in my pain, but for the wrong reasons--for obligatory reasons. And as we all know, that never ends well.

So, I guess my ultimate question is...what is this whole struggle/pain concept all about? To struggle, in order to build character, in order to...what? To what end does having character get us? A full life? A better world? But then what? Why does Christ want to sharpen our character on earth? In order that we can sharpen each other? In order to build the character of the body of Christ? But again, to what end? A better world...but, a world that will eventually perish, right? So, then what? Is pain and struggle simply a product of The Fall of Man, something we just have to deal with while we're here, and just make the best of it until we reach heaven? If that's the case, then numbing myself out sounds justified!

When I think about things like this I always wonder what it would be like to have a secular point of view with these kinds of questions. What do secular philosophers say about struggle and pain, and what the point of it is? Is it reduced to biology? Is it unexplainable without some type of source inflicting the pain?

In one of Gregory Boyd's sermons I listened to recently, he spoke about how a lot of Christians are content to dismiss hard questions and say, 'Just accept the mysteries of God.' Gregory said that's simply a pious way of saying, "I don't care enough to think about it."

Drawing the Line Between Good Fun and Moral Compromise

2011-12-23T01:03:00.002-06:00

I was making a Netflix queue the other day, and added the movie 'Horrible Bosses' to the list, before I knew what is was about. I looked at the ratings and description a couple minutes later and decided I didn't want to see it because it would probably make me feel slimed (crude and sexual content, pervasive language, etc). So, I took it off the queue.
A couple days a go, I mailed back the last movie I rented knowing I didn't have anything coming from Netflix anytime soon. But today I get home from work, and what's in my mailbox? A red envelope...Oh, a Netflix movie. Which one is it? 'Horrible Bosses'. Oh man. Apparently I didn't take it off the queue like I thought I did. Well, crap, now I have to watch it. For real, I couldn't just send the movie back. I couldn't just not watch it. (p.s., I don't get this thought pattern--what goes on in our brains that makes us so eager to do something that we know is going to make us feel terrible? Not necessarily after, but even during? It fascinates me.)

So, I watch the movie. The first 30 minutes were so repulsive, I almost turned it off. But then it got funny. And I started belly laughing at some parts. And I'm not gonna lie, by the end of it, the movie was hilarious. The characters were great, the plot wasn't totally predictable, and I like I said, I laughed really hard. So, the point is, now that I'm done watching it, I don't really regret it. It was funny. Some parts were vile, for sure. In some parts, I covered my eyes. But I think I ultimately enjoyed this movie.

My question now is...what does that signify? Watching a movie like this HAS to be doing stuff to my mind and heart--slowly creating moral callouses, right? Excusing and even laughing at degrading speech, violence, perversion...Today I shrugged my shoulders at all of that and said, "Yeah, but some parts were just so funny!" We all watch these things and act like we remain unaffected. We all say we can handle it. But can we really? And, if we really can remain unaffected, is that even healthy? And if not, where do we draw the line in what we take in? Can we draw a line, with all the media/information/ads we take in that display all of this crap on a daily basis anyway?

Anyway, questions we've all heard/thought about before, but I was reminded of them strongly once again tonight. Share your thoughts!

The Power of Voicing Love

2011-12-20T23:23:00.001-06:00

Have you ever had someone like you? A friend, I mean. And not just like you, as in they can stand you, but like you, as in they love everything about you: they think you're hilarious, they love your personality, they can't get enough of you.

Man, I love friends like that.

Why? Because when I know someone likes me, it brings out the best in me. I don't have to worry about saying the right thing, saying the wrong thing...or even saying anything, necessarily. When I know someone likes me, I let down all of my guards, and all of my defenses because I know that in the mind of that person, I can do no wrong. I can be myself. How freeing is that?

Now, I would assume this is true for most people. Everyone loves to be liked. It's the best.

But how often do you, when you really enjoy someone, tell them so? There's a proverb in the Bible, Proverbs 27:5 that says, "Better an open rebuke than love carefully concealed." Thank you Cynthia Stevens, to opening my eyes to the gorgeous truth behind this verse. I think I've always thought of this verse in terms of romantic love, but, lately, I'm seeing how powerful it can be in platonic friendships. And just to clear up some confusion, I'm not really talking about encouragement here--I can encourage any random person on any random thing if someone asked me to. And honestly, that kind of obligatory crap would cheapen this verse. I'm talking about when you're just really fond of someone. I'm talking about those people (and we all have 'em) that we just carry an unexplainable partiality towards. We just like them. We can't explain why. They just warm our hearts when they come into view. When their name is spoken, we feel a fondness. When we see a missed call from them, we get excited to call them back. Those kinds of people are special, and don't come around very often. What if that person, that person you love so dearly, has no idea the extent in which they're loved by you? What if you, simply voicing that fact, would open up a world of confidence for that person, all because they know someone likes them for them, and for at least that person, they don't have to be someone they're not?

Do we even get what a big deal that is?

Now do two things.

#1. Think about the people in your life that have expressed sincere partiality toward you, in the past or recently (I can think of 2 major ones). Think about how their honesty changed the way you view yourself (it made me more confident, made me dream bigger, made me like myself more).

#2. Now, think of the people in your life that you really like (I can think of a few.) Have you told them? (not yet.) Will you choose to have the boldness to tell them how awesome they are, possibly being a stepping stone to a turning point in their life?

As humans, we need this kind of honesty. We need people who like us, to tell us! Because that's when lives are changed for the better. That's when shy people start to speak up. It's when people who think they're stupid begin to think they're smart. It's when that one bit of truth speaks louder than anything else, and people begin to see they're worth something.

So, if you're fond of someone.. go out and tell them just how fond you actually are.

Failing at Accepting Normalcy

2011-12-13T23:24:00.002-06:00

It's good to have friends who can help you see how far you've come when all you can really see is repeated mistakes, repeated lessons, repeated everything.

(I'm going to be honest and say that I fear these posts are becoming (or have always been) way too personal, but I'm choosing to voice this stuff anyway, because maybe someone might stumble across it and feel less crazy about themselves, and God knows that's what we all ultimately want, right? Right.)

I have this ongoing inner battle inside of me that tends to rear it's ugly head when I have nothing to do but sit. It gets shut up through busyness and adventure and risk taking. So when I'm not doing those things, I get slammed with discontentment, apathy, social isolation, depression...I've just always really struggled with living a 'normal' life. Now I've learned this far along in my life now, that just because I struggle with living a 'normal' life, that doesn't mean I need to reject 'normal'. And actually, that's my battle. I'm trying to embrace normal. Because I know the value in it. But each attempt has the same end--I just get pissed off. But I'm a stuffer, so I just bury the anger. But, as we all know, feelings have a way of surfacing whether we want them to or not. And for the first time in my life (in the past year or so), people are coming up to me, people I don't even know that well, and telling me they're noticing my anger becoming a problem. They all say I'm polite and nice, but I carry a weight of anger that's visible. So, I try to work on it, externally, but like I said, feelings surface, and I'm pretty much failing at hiding this anger that apparently people can see. But I think maybe I just need to come to terms with something--I am angry, actually. I'm angry that I'm 24 and still have no idea where my life is going. I'm angry that I chose to work a menial job and save money in a town that's incredibly difficult for me to thrive in. I'm angry that I can never remember that fact and I'm always trying to force myself to thrive here (this is 'return to Lee's Summit' number FOUR), when my soul obviously says "no". But I try to make it happen, like a parent forcing their child into engineering when he really wants to be in the arts.

I think one thing I'm angry about the most is that I've been suckered into shame and fear based living my whole life, and I'm still suckered into it, on a daily basis. Would I be so concerned with all of this if I knew that life is a journey and my process is my process and God will perfect the good work that he started in me? No. I'd be at freaking peace. That is a word that's foreign to my soul right now.

I think ultimately I fear turning my circumstances into remedies for the issues in my heart. Because since I'm feeling all of this, all I want to do is run--to any place other than this one. And I know that would fix things, temporarily. But I'm longing for a true fix. True peace! The end of striving, of being ashamed, of fearing the inevitable. And I don't want an upward spiral of relief, I don't want things to get worse before they get better, I just want relief now. Because this is getting so OLD. And I'm out of ways to fight it.

... #frustrated

2011-11-24T20:40:00.003-06:00

"Consumerism makes us lonely." - Shane Claiborne

Do you agree?

2011 Christmas Season Bucket List

2011-11-10T14:25:00.002-06:00

AND NOW....
my first post in quite a while that is neither angsty nor philosophical nor religious nor brooding.

I just want to talk about how much I love CHRISTMAS!
I love it. It's November 10th, but already all I want to do is listen to Christmas music and do crafty things and watch heartwarming movies and drink warm mugs of liquid bursting with flavor.

And also, this year I started a 2011 Christmas Season Bucket List. I want to do all of these things, plus more, AND YOU'RE ALL INVITED. If you want to add more to the list please do! (please. Right now it's reached the level of 'heartwarming' but there needs to be a little more adventure in there.)

#1: Christmas In The Park
#2: Christmas Cookie Baking Party
#3: Christmas card making
#4: Knitting
#5: Putting up the Christmas Tree while listening to Johnny Mathis' Christmas album
#6: Watch A Charlie Brown's Christmas and Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, back-to-back
#7: Watch Elf
#8: Sledding, if it snows

Ok...now you fill in the rest.

Femininity (Not Just For The Ladiez)

2011-11-08T22:51:00.001-06:00

You know God is trying to draw your attention to something when it starts popping up in random daily conversation, in the lives of your friends, in excerpts from books...
My current one: femininity. Not only is that a hard word to spell, it's also a hard word to say (fem-in-in-ity). Whenever I think consider writing about or contemplating femininity, I automatically feel like one of two things: a lesbian feminist or a textbook 'lonely girl' from He's Just Not That Into You.

Femininity is a touchy subject, especially from the mouths of women. People say masculinity is getting lost, but true femininity has been lost for just as long, if you ask me.

So obviously, just with what was mentioned above, there's a fear in even talking about the subject. What if diving into it causes us women to become one of those two things? Most of us fear both just as equally. But we have to start talking about it. And rewiring our perspectives on it. Because something I've noticed lately, too, in my own heart, is a buried hostility towards the feminine, which I find odd. Because mostly you hear of women harboring hostility towards the masculine, but hardly the feminine. And I don't just mean things like dresses and flowers, I mean women authors, leaders, thinkers, and the like. Example: I'm reading a book right now called Pilgrimage Of A Soul by Phileena Heuertz. I've known about this book for probably a year. And as most of you know, I'm enamored and wooed by contemplative living, and eat up any and all books written on the subject. But for some reason, I avoided buying this book like I avoid talking on the phone (I HATE talking on the phone and will avoid it for weeks. Sorry.) I would see it pop up everywhere online, in my Amazon recommendations, Twitter, personal emails...and I would find myself irritated by everything about it, down to the stupid butterfly on the cover. I just didn't want anything to do with this book. I didn't want to even hear what this woman had to say. I labeled it sappy and void of substance, just because (and I didn't realize it at the time) it was written by a girl. But, because it wouldn't get out of my life, I figured God was trying to tell me something. So I bought it. Shock surprise, it's INCREDIBLE. Blowing my mind. This woman is brilliant.

So at this point I'm just convicted. I don't feel like Phileena's book has proven to me that I should respect and embrace the feminine (although I understand that I should). I just feel like it's humbled me. It's humbled me to respect my own gender. And not only that, but honor it. And maybe, it's causing me to look at my own inferiority complex. Because obviously if I don't respect and honor my own gender, what does that say about how I view myself? If I think women authors have books that are void of intellectual substance, what do I think of my own mind? (stupid.) If I think women leaders don't know what they're doing, how do I view my own leadership? (incapable). What I'm getting at, what the bottom line is, is that I, personally, think women are inferior. It's hard for me to admit that, but I'm not drawing any other conclusions from what I'm writing, other then that fact. Women aren't as good as men. I know that's not true. But it's obviously what my heart thinks.

This is a surprising theme for me to be learning right now, really. But, I think God is opening my eyes to this more and more because, I, as a woman, as a privileged Western woman, need to fight for my gender. This mindset that I'm carrying, whether I like to admit it or not is contributing to sexism and gendercide around the world. Because all injustices start within the heart. Issues of the heart create ripple effects that create devastation around the world. No one just wakes up and wants to traffick someone. No one wakes up and wants to drive a country into ruin. It's all issues of the heart that grow and morph into monsters when they're left undealt with. And who knows if my negligence of valuing females could be robbing someone of their worth and perpetuating this terrible cycle that women are second to men.

It's a lot to think about.

The Contemplative Balance

2011-10-08T22:04:00.002-05:00

I am growing tired of extremes.
I've been asking myself when I will reach a point where I realize that contemplation is a necessity. I tend to treat it like a bad habit that needs to be repressed. But when I ignore contemplation, I notice characteristic consequences pop up. First, my utilization of mind numbing entertainment sky rockets. After that, it's social binges. And after those, after realizing how unfulfilling both of those are, it's sitting in my room eating spoonfuls of chocolate and feeling sorry for myself.
That sounds dramatic, but it's true. When I choose to not nurture the spirituality that I tend towards, I spiral downward faster than an crashing jet. Not to mention, when weeks or even months go by of ignoring it, I notice key aspects of my personality getting dumbed down as well--my intellect, my sense of humor, my social skills. Because by rejecting contemplation, I'm rejecting the way God created me and therefore rejecting myself. How can I thrive when I'm repressing the very thing that gives me life?

But then there's the other extreme. The contemplative life is a fairly new concept for me, I've only known about it less than a year. But as I've been exploring it, I began noticing that, just like everything else, contemplation has the ability to get distorted and skewed, very slowly and subtly, with us hardly noticing. In The Seven Storey Mountain, Thomas Merton talks about how great heights can be reached by 'metaphysical speculation', and that it can introduce someone into great and pure pleasures, that only get deeper as you speculate more on things you're learning. But sometimes, even if someone is learning great things about the Christian faith, those speculations won't transcend the 'natural realm' (the tangible world, visible to the eye) into the 'spiritual realm' (the world invisible to the eye, or, union with God, which is the purpose of contemplation).

He goes on to say, "In such an event, you get, not contemplation, but a kind of intellectual and esthetic gluttony--a high and refined and even virtuous form of selfishness. And when it leads to no movement of the will towards God, no efficacious love of Him, it is sterile and dead, this meditation, and could even accidentally become, under certain circumstances, a kind of a sin--at least an imperfection."
At first, that was hard for me to read. It made my stomach turn thinking that this new spiritual discipline I had discovered had the potential to turn really ugly. But on the other hand, I was slightly comforted because I figured out why I would sometimes come out of time spent in reflection and solitude (times that were supposed to be rich with inner peace and satisfaction of communion with a Being completely outside of myself) feeling weighted by selfishness, my sight darkened by self indulgence.
And I'm still working on finding the balance. Judging by my track record with life, you can probably guess that it will take me a long time to figure it out. Although I'm finding that all things concerning God are never about arriving at the end, but being patient in the upwards spiral of growth and learning. I do still pray, though, that the times of bobbing back and forth between ignoring contemplation all together and diving in so much that I'm drowning in my own pride and pleasure at having 'arrived' at such spiritual heights, will grow fewer and farther between, and I can dwell in God's presence, not dependent on emotion or feeling, but with a still and quiet soul as Psalm 131:2 states. "Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; Like a weaned child rests against his mother, My soul is like a weaned child within me."

Two Weeks Of Juice

2011-09-30T12:55:00.001-05:00

Today marks the day of my longest juice fast yet. Fourteen days. I'd say that's impressive. I guess.
So I woke up this morning, at 9 am, got an Ezekial sprouted grain tortilla, put some almond butter on it, drank some coffee...I was expecting my taste buds to explode. Didn't really happen. I was expecting tons of energy. Didn't really happen. Instead I actually got depressed. My stomach was full. I now have access to any and all food I want, really. That doesn't make me excited. It makes me feel a little overfed.
I think there's something interesting that happens during a juice fast. You never realize all you learn or experience until you take your first bite of food again. I was reflecting during the fast, wondering what I was learning, and honestly, I couldn't think of much. I didn't feel transformed. I didn't feel connected to God, at all. Which really shocked me. Because when you willingly lay down food, something that is such a comfort for so long, you expect God to just flood in. But he didn't. I just felt normal. Not like he was close, or like he was far away. Just normal. Level. Steady.
But then today I ate food again. It tasted good for like five seconds and then it was nothing special. I was disappointed. And then, for the first time in two weeks...I felt God rush in. That familiar feeling that I can never describe fully to anyone, that feeling of my soul groaning and my heart being emptied, yet being comforted somehow by something that I can't pinpoint. What did I feel like he was saying? That my fast, although it was a bold move, is not the fix that I wanted it to be. It didn't bring freedom and release like I thought it would. Maybe it could, at another time. I know fasts are powerful. But this one was simply a prelude to a butt-load of healing and challenges to come. I'm at the beginning of something. Not the end.
How do I feel about that? Frustrated. And annoyed. And tired. But the more I try at this whole thing, the more I realize that something else besides me is guiding the perfect timing for my healing. And I'm a little out of control in all of this. Not in a way that makes me feel chaotic, but a way that makes me feel peace actually.
So...imma let it roll. Let it be.
And if you want to go out for coffee or greek food or salad or hummus or something...I can do that now.

Deflated Ego

2011-08-11T08:52:00.001-05:00

Nothing in my head or my heart is my own.
I am a mass of the thoughts, theories, and musings of other people.
Is that normal?

I am neither profound nor exceptional.
Who is?

My heart made up a 'should's' and my life is a race to meet the requirements and standards of the world around me.
And so is yours.

Will I ever be my own?
Is anyone their own?

"I said to myself, “Behold, I have magnified and increased wisdom more than all who were over Jerusalem before me; and my mind has observed a wealth of wisdom and knowledge.” And I set my mind to know wisdom and to know madness and folly; I realized that this also is striving after wind. Because in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain."
"So I turned to consider wisdom, madness and folly; for what will the man do who will come after the king except what has already been done? And I saw that wisdom excels folly as light excels darkness. The wise man’s eyes are in his head, but the fool walks in darkness. And yet I know that one fate befalls them both. Then I said to myself, “As is the fate of the fool, it will also befall me. Why then have I been extremely wise?” So I said to myself, “This too is vanity.” For there is no lasting remembrance of the wise man as with the fool, inasmuch as in the coming days all will be forgotten. And how the wise man and the fool alike die! So I hated life, for the work which had been done under the sun was grievous to me; because everything is futility and striving after wind." Ecclesiastes 1: 17-18, Ecclesiastes 2: 12-17

Mutuality in The Moon

2011-06-13T22:51:00.048-05:00

Do you ever step outside on nights when the weather carries with it that specific temperature or that specific smell that strikes something inside of your heart that sends your heart whirling and tingles radiating from your chest to the tips of your fingers? Something in the air, whether it's the smell, the temperature, the moisture...sparks something in your spirit.
I stepped outside tonight after being in a stuffy room and was hit by the crispness of the air and the clarity of the sky. I poised myself on my tiptoes and looked straight up and noticed (albeit too briefly) each star in the sky that was sparkling so bright I could make out the defined edges of each sparkle. Then I turned on my toes getting ready to do a quick spin (because that's what I do when I feel all warm and fuzzy inside) and as I turned my head I noticed the moon.

I work at a missions organization that is very injustice focused. I hear A LOT about injustice. It pains me to say I might be slightly numb to all the pictures of babies with swollen bellies and flies around their heads, but when you see the pictures and hear the stats time and time again, they lose their punch, and I think we can all relate to that. But I've recently learned about the plight of North Korea and it has been sticking with me like no injustice ever has. Ever since I heard a firsthand account from a co-founder of a US North Korean advocacy center, it's been like a splinter in my heart that's continually aching. My heart aches for the North Koreans. And it's for this reason--yes, they're starving, they're cold, they're subjected to forced labor. But what resonates as the greatest injustice of North Korea is this: they are stripped of freedom of thought. They're subjected to mental manipulation and trauma that cannot simply be relieved by giving them food or shelter. It takes years of therapy and counseling to undo the lies that are intentionally planted in the mind of North Koreans by the Kim dynasty. This video is a great glimpse into the life of a North Korean labor camp defector. But pay attention specifically to 34:34-35:21 and you can see that even escaping the worst conditions in the world and living well in society cannot alleviate years of brainwashing and emotional torture.

Watching this video and seeing the weight that Shin will carry the rest of his life, simply because he was born into the country of North Korea, makes me want to kayak the entire Pacific ocean all the way to Kim Jung-Il's palace and take matters and justice into my own hands. Someone STOP this succession of crazed dictators, in the name of Jesus.

The entire crisis just feels hopeless, sometimes.

But tonight, as I was looking at the moon, it was impressed up on my heart that the North Koreans, thousands of miles away, look at the exact same moon that I do. And that may sound cheesy, but think about how cool that is. At night, no matter where I am...I see the same moon, in all it's splendor, as the North Koreans. I found such mutuality with these people I've never met simply from looking at this moon. Sometimes injustice seems so far away, but in looking at the moon, it makes me feel like it's up close. Tangible. It hits me that people in North Korea, in labor camps, starving and eating kernels of corn or bits of grass to stay alive can look up in their desperation and see the beauty of the moon, a chunk of rock floating in space that each of us on planet earth can see...and I wonder if God didn't create it just for that reason--to bring us all to a place of mutuality with one another. Amidst pain, struggle and suffering, when we feel stuck, insignificant and useless, we can see something like the moon and be reminded that the world is big, God is bigger, and there's something Other than whatever it is we're in. That is hopeful.

Is Sentimentality Reliable?

2011-06-10T13:55:00.002-05:00

    So, if I'm romantic and I'm motherly I would say that probably means I'm also pretty sentimental. I mean if I tear up when I see one of my students, I would say "sentimental" describes that condition pretty well. That or "weep-tastic".
    So, ok, I'm sentimental.
    I think I can accept that. Maybe even enjoy that. Some of the people I most admire are very sentimental, tearing up at tiny things, getting moved by hallmark commercials...
    But I'm not sentimental with everything. Cheesy worship services, I hate. Excessive hugs and 'how-are-you's' make me want to punch people. My sentimentality mostly comes down to relationships. There are some friends in my life that I just love. It's hard for me to be super friendly and loving and sappy with strangers, but once I get to know someone and become fond of them--I love them. Sometimes so much that I almost have to contain myself when I see them. Because otherwise I would be jumping up and down and being squealy and teasing them and poking them and being all around obnoxious.
    As someone who tends to see being stoic as being strong (which is NOT true, but I still find myself thinking that way), I notice that I subconsciously define my sentimentality as weakness. Maybe not just weakness, but unreliable feelings that really have no weight or bearing on outcomes. Because sentiment is fleeting. Choices are eternal. Right? I don't know, what's the balance between sentiment and love?
    If there's one thing in my life that causes me torture, it's asking too many damn questions. Too many why's. Why's don't matter that much. They matter a little. But I'm watching myself ask why, and I'm watching my students ask why and I'm watching us all think ourselves to death with nothing left but empty hands and disappointment at unanswered questions that never mattered much in the first place. I think what we all really want to know is that we're okay. So I guess when I start asking a bunch of why's about all this, what I really am asking is if all of it is okay. I'm reminded of the verse from Philippians, "He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." And if I'm romantic, if I'm motherly, if I'm sentimental, if he's placed it in me, then it doesn't matter right now why it's there or the details of how it's being played out. What matters is that, if God is bringing it up now, more than any other time, that I trust Him to finish what he has started--that hopefully I can turn all these lovey-dovey feelings from foreign to familiar. And nurture them and use them to care for others and offer love to those who need it. Maybe these are the first signs of God transforming me in a way I so desperately want him to--moving me from being inward focused to outward. It feels silly and weird and sappy and girly, but...I don't know, I guess I'm cool with it.

Mama

2011-06-05T14:58:00.001-05:00

What is it with girls and wanting to reject what's naturally in them? I'm talking about femininity. A couple posts ago I wrote about how I'm a romantic and I can't really help it. Today I'm going to talk about how I'm motherly and I can't really help that either.
I'm staffing a DTS right now, which means I'm walking alongside other adolescents, most of them younger than me, who feel they have a call to missions, want to grow more and be discipled in the truths of Christ so they can be more equipped take the Good News to the world. I wanted to staff a DTS because I know that I love seeing transformation. It's one of my favorite things. Watching something or someone go from old to new, dead to alive is fascinating to me and moreso, I love being a part of the process. So walking into this, I knew I would see lots of transformation and it would be great. But I've been surprised lately at how great it's actually been. Like, how much I genuinely love and care about these students. I was expecting to love and care about them obviously, but not this much. I'm noticing silly things like, if I'm walking around on campus and I see one of them waving to me from a distance, my heart leaps a little bit and I get an overwhelming sense of pride for who they are. Or I'll be in class and hear one of them ask our speaker a brilliant question and get teary eyed from how far they've come since day one. Or I'll watch one of them start falling in love with another person and my mother hen feathers will rustle up and I'll just want to protect them from the inevitable hurt and risk that comes with loving someone else.
It's weird.
Another example, the other day we did the ropes course. The ropes course is all about team building and unity. It's all what you make it. If you want to be lousy and reject teamwork, it will be a hard day for you on ropes. But if you hold others above yourself and decide to devote yourself to being a team, the day is everything it possibly could be. And that day, my team.... was SO great. Selfless, sacrificial and serving. Each challenge we went through, I noticed each one of them moving form the mindset of 'individual' to a mindset of 'team', which, if you've experienced the shift of that mindset, is a very powerful thing. The whole time I was just observing them, and my heart was bursting with pride and love for how great they were doing. I didn't care that my feet were throbbing or that my harness was giving me bruises under my butt. I was just silently praising God in my heart that his Holy Spirit has been transforming the hearts of these people, these people that I love dearly, these people that make me so proud.

So, GREAT, now I'm not only a romantic, I'm also a freaking mom.
There goes all my plans for being an independent hard-ass.

Here's some pictures of people in this DTS. Try not to tear up.

Seven Storey Mountain

2011-06-01T01:42:00.001-05:00

     "On the last day of January 1915, under the sign of the Water Bearer, in a year of a great war, and down in the shadow of some French mountains on the borders of Spain, I came into the world. Free by nature, in the image of God, I was nevertheless the prisoner of my own violence and my own selfishness, in the image of the world into which I was born. That world was the picture of Hell, full of men like myself, loving God and yet hating Him; born to love Him, living instead in fear and hopeless self-contradictory hungers.
   Not many hundreds of miles away from the house where I was born, they were picking up the men who rotted in the rainy ditches among the dead horses and the ruined seventy-fives, in a forest of trees without branches along the river Marne.
     My father and mother were captives in that world, knowing they did not belong with it or in it, and yet unable to get away from it. They were in the world and not of it--not because they were saints, but in a different way: because they were artists. The integrity of an artist lifts a man above the level of the world without delivering him from it.
     My father painted like Cezanne and understood the southern French landscape the way Cezanne did. His vision of the world was sane, full of balance, full of veneration for structure, for the relations of the masses and for all the circumstances that impres an individual identity on each created thing. His vision was religious and clean, and therefore his paintings were without decorations or superfluous comment, since a religious man respects the power of God's creation to bear witness for itself. My father was a very good artist.
     Neither of my parents suffered from the little spooky prejudices that devour the people who know nothing but automobiles and movies and what's in the ice-box and what's in the papers and which neighbors are getting a divorce.
     I inherited from my father his way of looking at things and some of his integrity and from my other some of her dissatisfaction with the mess the world is in, and some of her versatility. From both I got capacities for work and vision and enjoyment and expression that ought to have made me some kind of a King, if the standards the world lives by were the real ones. Not that we ever had any money: but any fool knows that you don't need money to get enjoyment out of life.
     If what most people take for granted were really true--if all you needed to be happy was to grab everything and see everything and investigate every experience and then talk about, I should have been a very happy person, a spiritual millionaire, from the cradle even until now.
     If happiness were merely a matter of natural gifts, I would have never entered a Trappist monastery when I came to the age of a man."

--Thomas Merton, The Seven Storey Mountain, pg. 1

Page one, guys. Page ONE. I just got this book in the mail today. There are 400 pages left. YES. Praise God for brilliant minds that choose to write honest things on paper that make the rest of us feel sane.

Call me Audrey, please.

2011-05-29T21:23:00.001-05:00

    I'm a romantic. I'm just beginning to realize it. Probably because I've subconsciously suppressed it for years. Because when you're a girl and you're romantic, it means you're dependent and needy. And the last thing a girl ever wants to be seen as is dependent and needy. So, of course when I find myself getting butterflies when a certain man walks in the room or when I catch myself daydreaming of being swept off my feet, my knee jerk reaction is to shut it off and remind myself that fantasies are just that, and not reality. And that I'd better stop thinking something like that is going to happen, because it's not. And if it does, it will be short lived.
     Anyway, I've changed my mind. I think I'm going to start nurturing my romantic nature. Not in a lustful or manipulative way...but in a way that honors the fact that I'm a woman. And honestly, my mind isn't just geared toward romance between two people. I desire romance in everything I pursue. A romantic career, romantic relationships, a romantic life. I think that's okay. I think it's okay to realize that imagination and adventure and relationships are all things that make the heart come alive and as long as we're not using it for vanity or selfish gain, then romance is one of God's most beautiful gifts.
     I think I'll start writing poems. I think I'll read more poems. I think I'll read ones by Sappho, Rumi, John Donne and David the Psalmist. I'll listen to Jeff Buckley and Damien Rice. I'll wear dresses and I'll bat my eyelashes. And maybe when I like I guy, I'll make it known. Classily, of course.

The Monastery--After The Fact

2011-05-20T01:18:00.001-05:00

It's been a couple of weeks since I returned from my weekend at Mt. Angel. I don't want to turn the experience in to some spiritual high that I'm trying to clutch and grab onto for as long as possible, but as I read over my journal entries from that weekend, I have to say that a chord strikes in my heart and I feel the pull towards contemplation tugging yet again. I feel a slight lift in my spirit and flutter in my soul thinking about the raw beauty of solitude with God. Obviously, I haven't been able to get time like that with God back here at the YWAM campus. But I've noticed that some revelations from that weekend have definitely translated into my day-to-day here, which I think is really important, and tells that the experience wasn't just hype.
For one, I don't find myself resenting corporate prayer and worship anymore. Before the weekend at the monastery, I could pinpoint numerous times when simply being in worship or intercession with other Christians made me so furious I would run out of the event and go to my house, slam the door and scream cry into my pillow for an hour. I could never figure out why praying and worshiping, things that are supposed to be deep times of communion with God, would make me so damned pissed. But in the silence at the monastery I noticed that in corporate worship times, I wasn't seeking God for God's sake. I was seeking a vision, a picture, a word, anything to share with everyone else in the room to prove that I "hear God". Not only that, but I was definitely testing my own ability to twist his arm--to see how much I would whine and strive until I got him to do what I wanted. Of course you never realize these things until you are able to step outside of things and take a good hard look at yourself. God definitely helped me do that. Now when I'm in worship or prayer I take comfort in the fact that it has nothing to do with me. All worship and prayer is about is bowing my head and honoring a God a thousand times bigger than myself. It's about sitting in the wonder of the fact that I'll never be able to control any part of who He is. I'm helpless in taming him. And just to clarify, this isn't sappy sentiment I'm talking about--I'm not sitting wide-eyed, with warm fuzzies about God (although there's a place for that). I'm talking about a deep peace and sense of humility, knowing that I am tiny and God is HUGE. That simple fact of knowing that it's useless for me to manipulate God or back him into a corner, melts my rage. Thank God.
Secondly, my bible has also shifted from being a source of resentment to a source of life and refuge. I want to read my bible. Because it's not about me. It's not about what I can get from it. Yeah, that's a perk. But it's just a perk. The Bible is about learning about the biggest most beautiful most complicated neverending never able to understand thing in the whole universe--God. And something about picking up this Bible freakishly gives me life in a way nothing else does. It honestly freaks me out sometimes, because I can't explain what it does in my soul. It shifts things. It hasn't been like that for a while and I think the shift is this--lifting my gaze from my navel, to God himself. He's so much cooler than me.
Again, thank God.

Addiction--The Monster Becomes A Child

2011-05-17T01:55:00.001-05:00

In terms of addiction (and probably any uncontrollable repetitive behavior), I've come to this conclusion about things.
You can ask the 'why' about the behavior. You can trace back years and years and maybe even find the cause. But that really doesn't fix anything.
You can fill your mirror and notebooks with sticky notes full of encouraging quotes and scripture verses. But that really gets you nowhere at the end of the day.
You can blame your circumstances for your behavior and claim that if only things were different, the behavior would change. But then you change jobs or move towns and you're still you.

So, my conclusion is this. The details of why your addiction is there is irrelevant. Helpful in seeing the big picture, maybe. But as far as fixing things--irrelevant. The reality is that a serious of circumstances have brought you were you are, and all you can do is take ownership for the fact that you now have an addiction. Now, the only person who can fix it is you. It's your choice to take it in your hands, with the grace you know God has bestowed upon you, and make day by day choices that turn your addiction from something that controls you into something that you control.

It's not about who or what caused it. It's not even about the substance itself. It's about you owning your life. When this revelation hits the heart of an addict, it's powerful. Because striving after finding the right 'remedy' ceases. It's no longer the right step-by-step plan, the right key to unlocking your past or anything like that--it's your choices. Your present choices. Which way are you going to take them? Your next chance to decide will probably be in the next 5 minutes. May God help me and us to make the right one. I think He's the only one who can. It's weird when you realize that nothing in you is able to make the right choice...but suddenly, after desperate supplication to an invisible God and meditation on scripture your soul suddenly has the power to say no to the things that have so easily wooed it once before. The Holy Spirit transforms, heals and helps. But...doesn't move our mountains for us. He, like a gentlemen, still leaves everything in our hands, but offers a gentle whispering in our ears of guidance and hope. Beautiful, huh?

"You are the mother
the mother of your baby child
the one to whom you gave life
and you have your choices
and these are what make man great
his ladder to the stars"
--Timshel, Mumford & Sons

Get Thee to a Nunnery

2011-05-17T01:30:00.001-05:00

     This weekend I spent three days at the Benedictine Sisters Monastery in Mt. Angel. I've been trying to succeed on a Daniel fast (raw food) for the past few months and have failed repeatedly, so last week Phil Gazely suggested I take a personal retreat to a monastery to get in tune with God and give it another go. If you know me, you know I'm slightly obsessed with monasticism, so of course the idea of spending three days in a monastery amidst sounds of a perfectly pitched compline choir sounded like a fantastic escape.
     I learned a LOT this weekend, most of it having little to do with fasting, ironically. Also, it was uncomfortable. Really. The whole experience was nothing like I expected. It was unsettling sitting around with so much time on my hands in so much quiet. It took all of me not to bolt out the door every hour on the hour. Instead I tried to intentionally sit with my discomfort and learn all I could in the tension of silence.
     I'll pull out a few highlights from my journal for you guys. Feel free to ask me more about it. Also, it's pretty long and most of you won't have the patience to read it, but patience is what most of it is about, so read on.

On the Friday before I left, Phil gave me a verse that he felt was from God for me. It was Exodus 14:14. "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still."

5/6/11
     "So much is running through my head. I went to prayer with the sisters in a beautiful chapel overlooking the greenery of their grounds. It was rainy outside, the kind of rain that is being interrupted by little bursts of sunshine. Inside we were praying and singing hymns, hymns that I'm sure the sisters have read a thousand times. But the cold, ritualistic feel of prayers were contrasted by the warmth in the eyes of each one of the nuns. It sounds cheesy, but it's true. Each one has greeted me with a kind smile and an extended hand.
    "I have SO much time on my hands. I feel like I could commit to anything and talk to anyone right now because I'm not restricted by schedules and to-do's. I hopped in the shower after watching a VHS in their vintage library on Thomas Merton (which was incredible) and it hit me (yet again)--rushing and busyness and excessive entertainment are truly wastes of a life. I've learned more in the last four hours of being here in stillness than I have in three months! I've been bombarded with concepts and information the last few months, tons of great ones, but nothing has soaked in or transformed me--and that's what's been so frustrating. Revelation is abundant in the environment I live in, which is good, but it's almost turned into an instant gratification type of thing, where I grab onto a 'good idea' but a few months later I'm left with zero transformation. Not to mention the fact that everything is so busy. There's never enough time to tune in and seek after transformation. Our lives are noisy and we glorify busyness. It's disgusting, really. What am I making of my life by trading true relationship or silence with busyness? To get meaningless crap accomplished, crap that has zero impact on the greater world around me? To what end is my busyness? Nothing. Loneliness, if anything. It leaves me empty handed. I want to live without busyness and stuff. But the busyness and stuff is so freaking enticing. Busyness equates productivity in our culture and I think that's such a lie. If anything, it's a huge distraction. Busyness drowns out the irritating cries of my soul for depth and vitality that do not come easily in this shallow age we live in . Stuff: food, entertainment, spending--it passes time and distracts me from my soul, whose cries I've been diminishing in value, but are only becoming more urgent as the days progress. I can't shut up the cries of my heart anymore--it creaks and groans like a piece of wood buckling under too much weight. What will hydrate it again?

5/6/11--[an entry regarding gluttony] "...I think that's this fast is for--to break the chains of gluttony and sloth. What happens when I weed out the main source of overconsumption in my life? Overconsumption ceases. So does rushing and busyness--rushing to stuff food in my mouth or frantically grab the last bit of food with my hands. My tunnel vision toward food is shut off. Slownesss rushes in to fill it's place. Settledness, the sense of time. No longer am I frantic, I'm calm. No longer am I afraid of not getting filled, for I am filled by being underfilled. An interesting paradox. "

5/7/11--"I met someone today. An old dude. Today I met Sid. He creeped me out at first, because his eyes would kind of glaze over when he spoke and he dramatically shift his weight from side to side. I didn't know why he acted that way until he started sharing more about his story. He introduced himself to me by asking if I'd been to the monastery before. I said no. He said he had, six times now, that he comes once a year. Then he got into why. Apparently, when he was eighteen, he got in a car accident. He hit the side of a bridge, wasn't wearing his seat belt and was launched through the windshield, skidding across rocks down a hill. As he was telling the story he kept saying, '...and I went out of my body'. I kept wondering what he meant, so I finally interrupted him to ask and he said, 'Oh, into the light. The tunnel." At this point I wondered if I was talking to a crazy. But he started telling me how he was suspended in light and felt nothing but sense of being pulled three directions--toward Good, toward Evil, and toward himself, back to Earth. He went back, obviously, out of his choice, I don't know. But he went on to tell me that due to that experience he had a myriad of questions about faith and God, so he made the choice to go to seminary--he said it just made things worse and things were still pretty unresolved. Well, twenty years later at thirty-eight, he gets married. He said that's when everything 'exploded'. He hit a wall of depression, hopelessness and despair. He didn't know why it hit at that time, that time that was supposed to be the most fulfilling time in our lives--when we marry another person. Instead of running from the marriage, him and his wife spent years together in counseling trying to work things through. He said it's been a process, and he's only now beginning to understand the questions he had back when he was eighteen. Now when he comes to Mt. Angel, he keeps in mind the meditation practices he's learned, but he lets whatever happens, happen. He doesn't judge any of it. He just lets it be. He said God's speaking theree things to him already, "In Him, with him, as him." He said he keeps hearing it, over and over and he's just going with the flow for now. He had some really profound things to say, actually and was a very sharp, very deep man. Although his shifty mannerisms made me think otherwise, at first. After he shared his story, he asked me about mine. I told him a bit, about what I'm working through. A lot of it was similar to what he said he was going through. He said I'm in a good place now, working all of this out so young because i'm getting a strong foundation. Which I hear a lot. But makes me wonder...when is this kind of 'crisis' supposed to happen? When you're twenty-five or when you're fifty? It tends to be either one of those age ranges, I've noticed. I asked myself, as far as life lessons, am I exceptional and and he's behind? Or am I too early and he's on time? Or are we both just okay where we're at? Probably the latter."

5/8/11--"My attention span is horrific. My mind has probably wandered to fifteen different places just while reading one chapter of Romans. This will take practice, this slowness thing. This meditative life. I live in a time where I can be entertained by anything, anytime of day, it's at my fingertips no matter where I am. The mark of a peculiar people in this generation will be those who can sit in silence and be okay. Those who can leave their smart phones at home and not have their brain short circuit. Those who reject busyness and say no to noise even it if means others will call them lazy, narcissistic, anti-social or unproductive. Will we take our 'busyness', rushing and to-do lists to the grave? No. When you're dead "you don't take nothing with you but your soul," as John Lennon sang. And our souls thrive on depth, relationship and wonder at simplicity and things not made by man. Oh, God, help me to be a person of slowness. And may your word be my greatest escape."

5/8/11--"I took a walk through the cemetery earlier. I was just walking and thinking/praying. As I was praying, I began to repent. Nothing super heavy or anything like that, but still things of importance. I repented of something that surprised me. When you take walks outside, you're kind of hit in the face with how big God is. How untameable and wild. And I realized that my Christian life consists of whining that God isn't at my fingertips every time I pray--that I'm not 'hearing him' that I'm not getting a word for someone, that I'm not getting some type of vision. God is bigger than those things. And he's not going to show up whenever I snap my arrogant fingers. I prayed he would reshape my thinking to that of worshiping and praying as an act of submitting to him, not as an act of getting something out of him. Most saints and contemplatives had quiet times consisting of silence and slow meditation--not weeping and demanding and striving. Although emotions have their place, they're not the essence of prayer, or the essence of God. He is a God worthy of honor and worthy of us waiting on him. To think he has to show up every time we do something spiritual is so naive. I prayed he would turn my relationship with him into a silent union with Him. Not an experience."

I learned a lot while I was there and wondered at even more. Such as: are some monks avoiding intimacy by choosing to take the vows of an order? How many Catholics will go to heaven as Christians see it? Catholics pray to Saints, and I also see monks pulling from Zen thought and other types of religions--Am I worshiping the same God they are? Am I called to a contemplative life? If I'm not called to a monastery, how can I cultivate a contemplative life in my day-to-day? How can I make the Eucharist more sacred? How can I get my hands on every Thomas Merton, St. John of the Cross, St. Teresa of Avila and St. Francis of Assisi book ever written? And on and on.

Being at the monastery made feel intellectually at home. I can't wait to go again.

Day #10--A Man After My Own Heart

2011-05-04T00:57:00.004-05:00

Today I got the pleasure of having lunch with Phil Gazley, a man after my own heart. Normally, I tend to be super shy around teachers or people of authority, but I'm getting over it and learning to approach them. Because being in YWAM, we have incredible minds coming through here on a weekly basis, specifically to share their knowledge with new missionaries, and for me to not get to know them is, honestly, a huge waste.
So, that being said, today after class I asked Phil if we could talk and he said yes, he'd love to. We went through the lunch line and sat down with our food. We spent the next hour talking about fasting, the holy spirit, monasticism, solitude, acedia, our generations paralysis from information over-load and much more. I was sitting there across from him with a plate full of food, fork in one hand and chin resting on the other, soaking up everything he was saying and it was like he was spoon-feeding my soul. I didn't even want the food in front of me, which basically never happens. So that's pretty telling of how great the conversation was. I definitely don't mean to over-glorify him--but I do want to point out that it was so nice being understood and being able to talk with someone about things that make my soul tick. I cant tell you how many times I try to talk to people about monasticism and i can literally see it going in one ear and out the other. In my opinion, monasticism and the ancient practices are key to understanding God, so it's sad for me to see so many people disinterested in it.
Anyway, while we were talking I asked him about this fast. I told him I know I feel a deep call from God to do a serious long term fast, but I've tried at least 5 times in the last few months and fail after about 3 days. I asked him what that meant or if he knew of any secret tips that help in sticking out a fast or if it might have to do with acedia. He pointed out something interesting. He reminded me that I live in a community. A community bustling with people, food and coffee around every corner. to-do lists, texting, internet and distractions abundant. He wondered if I'm getting off on the wrong foot, starting out with zeal, but burning out because of a lack of foundation (which very well could be the truth--the amount of time I've spent in prayer these past days has NOT been sufficient, even for normal routine, let alone a fast). He said I'm probably beating myself up for failing (yes) but I might just be failing for reasons as simple as being distracted. So, he suggested that if I really feel I need to fast, that I take some time away in solitude for a few days to get through the rough part and to get centered with God-- without distractions, without to-do lists. He mentioned that monastaries provide great environments for personal retreats and things of that nature. So today I researched monastaries in the Salem area and found one in a town about 15 minutes away from here, nestled in the mountains. I called them today, asked if I could come and they said yes. It was surprisingly easy. So, I'm headed there for the weekend, to give this fast another go. Hopefully God will speak some things to me about this fast, and the myriad of things connected with it. Then hopefully, I can begin to find healing and finally turn my gaze from inward to outward--I feel so inward these days I feel like I'm imploding. But my problem has been that I feel so wretched inside I literally can't turn my gaze outward. It's a terrible place to be. Anyway, I'm sure I'll get more clarity on that soon.
So, the fast is on a slight pause until Friday. I'll start again, head to the monastary for a few days and pick up the blogging when I return, unless God says otherwise. I will talk to you guys then.

P.S. Thanks for reading.

Day #9--Lighthearted

2011-05-03T00:57:00.001-05:00

Today I ate lots of fruit. Probably half of all my food today was fruit. Today was easy. And delicious.

Also, Phil Gazely told me that he knew Marcus Mumford when he was a fumbling worship leader for his dad's Vineyard church in England. "Now I see him playing on the Grammy's with Bob Dylan and I'm like...huh."

Day #8--Recharge

2011-05-01T23:22:00.003-05:00

Today was insanely beautiful. There wasn't a cloud in the sky except for a few contrails, which was a huge refreshment considering there's heavy cloud cover over Salem, Oregon seven days a week during the winter. But...spring is slowly creepin' in. I hung out in the grass with my pals all day. It was awesome.

I also got to read more of Acedia & Me. It's comforting when someone writes a book that's your heart in paperback form. Also, this week Phil Gazely, the human trafficking activist and speaker on all things Holy Spirit is speaking at YWAM Salem. He was the one that offhandedly mentioned the book to our community last time he was here, because it tied in to his speaking topic that night. So I'm hoping to catch him sometime this week and see if we can talk a little more in depth about this complicated concept. But, one thing I don't want to do is start finding security in a label. I don't want to start blaming every negative thing, failure, disappointment or thing I don't like about myself on acedia. That would be stupid. So I'm hoping I can glean some wisdom from him and maybe some practical acedia fighters. He's a mighty man who's experienced much, and even if I don't get any practical tips out of him, I'm sure just being a conversation with him, about anything, will widen my perspective to something bigger than my silly self.

So, in closing, I got TONS of sunshine today, which I consider to be raw food. A+.

Day #7--The Demon Acedia

2011-05-01T01:51:00.003-05:00

Fail #2.

And it's only been one week.

What's funny is, I've tried diets/fasts like this probably at least 100 times. And can never follow through. Ever. Consistency has always been completely out of my reach. I've tried accountability, food charts, alarm clock reminders, everything. What's keeping me from wanting to pursue the best for myself? I can't constrict this to simply food. This trend is everywhere in my life. I don't think there's one thing I do regularly, without fail. Except the things I don't want to do.

Usually, when I fail in a commitment like this, I fight it by motivating myself again towards deeper legalism: restricting myself more, making stricter schedules, putting notes up everywhere to remind myself of the goal. A few days go by where I'm super pumped, but those days are soon followed by a crash, and I go back to square one.

This is more complicated than a lack of self-control. Somewhere in my life there is a disconnect.

Yesterday I stumbled upon Gregory Boyd's website, and there's a Q&A section filled with the most common questions he gets from readers. Here's Gregory Boyd's response to a question from a man asking Gregory why God created him with an uncontrollable sex drive.
"The challenge is not to suppress your sex drive – which you’d probably have little success at doing anyway. The challenge, rather, is to make God the highest priority of your life. Seek first the Kingdom, Jesus said (Mt 6:33). You’ll find that the more you pour yourself into being a disciple of Jesus, the more power you’ll have over your sex drive."
Okay. Being a disciple of Christ brings about the fruits of the spirit, one of those being self-control. So, if you're a Christian, and you're struggling with self-control, the answer is, be devoted to Christ.

But, what if the very thought of being a disciple makes you shrug your shoulders?

Being very candid, that's where I'm at. I feel like my life is one big yawn. It's not that things are boring--it's that I just don't care. I feel like I have to make myself care about anything. This isn't depression and it's not laziness. And this isn't a symptom of some wound. It's not some misconception of God I have. Not this time. This is something that's rooted itself into my whole being. I can feel it. It's this perpetual apathy in everything and lack of strength to uproot it. I'm scrambling around trying to fight it with more and more commitments and schedules, but all that's doing is showing me that nothing inside of me will comply. And all I'm saying is, if Satan has a best way of making a Christian ineffective, it's this. Because you're not wounded and on your way to healing, you're not depressed and working through pain, you're sitting in the middle of an amazing, bustling life with your arms folded, picking at your nails wondering when it will all be finished.

I'm at a loss, honestly. I guess I need prayer. And I'm not giving up, day #8 will still come tomorrow.

Day #6--Running with Duck Feet

2011-04-29T21:42:00.002-05:00

Today was 100% raw.

AND, I went for a run. I haven't been able to go running (or do much walking, for that matter) in about a year in a half because I have an unidentifiable soft tissue injury in my left foot that won't heal. But today...I took a risk and ran for 20 minutes. My form is horrible, I kind of run like a duck and my feet hit the ground in all the wrong places at the wrong times. But the good news is, the foot pain isn't unbearable! Which is awesome because I'd love an additional way to detox while I'm on this diet. I probably shouldn't run more than a couple times a week, just because I don't want to injure anything more with my poor form. But we'll see how it progresses. I've heard of everything from arthritis all the way to diabetes being healed from raw diets. I'm crossing my fingers that this will have a positive effect on my foot pain, immune system and joint health. Also, don't worry, I'm still 24 years old, not 90 years old like all of this is making me sound. Ballz.

Have a great weekend, pals.

Day #5--Re-start

2011-04-28T20:51:00.002-05:00

That "Day #5" title should probably actually say "Day #1" since I'm technically starting over because I was seduced by Baskin Robbin's 31¢ Day.
But maybe it's best to not be so rigid and dogmatic with it and just let the fail day be a fail day and keep trudging on.
Anytime I've ever been all or nothing with a diet, it's never translated into changing my day-to-day eating routines, which is something to be noted. And I'd like self-control and good choices to translate when these 30 days are over. So...I won't call yesterday a fail, I'll call it a slight regression. Here's to PROgression.

That's probably all I have to say right now. About raw food anyway. I have a LOT to say about what God's been showing me through others, even though His actual voice has been really silent. It's been really surprising. But maybe in another post. Feel free to listen to this beautiful song instead.

Day #4--Fail

2011-04-28T01:06:00.002-05:00

Rough day + 31¢ ice cream at Baskin Robin's = fail.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Day #3--Self-awareness is Rampant

2011-04-26T18:17:00.003-05:00

Hi.
My head feels like a balloon slightly anchored by a ribbon to the rest of my body. Everything is pretty foggy. and sleepy.

Today as I was doodling during lecture and once again becoming aware of my 2 second attention span, it hit me how pretty much anything good seems like it goes against my grain. And when I say good, I mean things like, spending time with others, listening in class without doodling or checking my twitter, actively praying longer than two minutes, worshiping for God's sake and not mine, joyfully doing things for the sake of others, being vulnerable in conversation, initiating socialization, friendship, saying hello and stopping to chat with passerbys....and on and on. It feels like the grain of these things goes from left to right and mine goes up and down. It rubs me wrong and feels like I'm trying to walk through muck and mire just to simply say hello to someone. It's so hard for me to just be good, and I'm not browbeating myself--really, nothing in me is good, and nothing wants to be. But of course, I can't let the simple fact that I don't want to do something keep me from doing it--I do it. Its just through clenched teeth for the first few minutes, then reality sets in and I realize how good it actually is. Anyway, my point, or rather my question, is how do I combat it? How do you, if you feel similar? I've been reading more about a term called 'acedia' and how it mostly plagues monks and those in religious orders...it's not depression, it's not laziness, it's just a huge weight of not caring. And not even caring about how you don't care. It's a huge hill to overcome and when you feel like you have to overcome it 20 times a day, it gets really old. I don't want to believe that I'll have to feel this way the rest of my life. I believe if Jesus promises an abundant life, than inside that abundant life would be joy for the things that he created as good, so I'm going to hold out for that. But in the meantime, I need some type of solution. I'll be on the look out.

Anyway.
Happy salads.

Day #2--The Power Of The Mind

2011-04-26T01:24:00.002-05:00

I almost forgot to blog today. Good thing I didn't.
Bipolar mood swings set in today. It's incredible to me how much fasts are NOT about the food. I'd say most fasting symptoms are 70% mental and 30% physical. Food is such an attachment. And when we don't get it...watch out the eff out.
Seriously.
I noticed something in me today. I was feeling really tired, headachey and grumpy to the nth degree (like literally eyes drooping shut in the passenger seat), while on my way to a meeting. Turns out that meeting was at a coffee shop. It didn't really cross my mind that I would get to have *caffeine* until I was about a block away and suddenly all of my tired, headachey and grumpy to the nth degree melted away and shot all the way up to butterflies and total elation and I perked up like a wilted flower getting water. In a matter of seconds. So either A. I'm as mentally dependent on caffeine as I am on food or B. any form of comfort sounds GREAT right now since I feel cold and skinny and like I could eat an entire jar of almond butter and still feel like I haven't eaten a thing. The hunger is the worst. I keep reading it lasts for about 10 days until it subsides. Lawd in heav'n. Or C. I underestimate the power of the mind.

Going to sleep with a rumblin' belly. Goodnight.

Day #1--Happy Easter

2011-04-24T17:30:00.002-05:00

Happy Easter.

Today's church service was filled with pretty dresses, snazzy suits, amazing stories of redemption and reminders of the power of the Resurrection. We heard amazing testimonies of the redeeming nature of our God, and most stories had to do with individuals falling to rock bottom because of addiction stemming from some type of wound, and then being rescued from the pit by Jesus. I think we sometimes forget how prevalent addiction is. It's everywhere and in everyone in one way or another. Addictions come in all shapes and sizes and I'd argue that you can pretty much become addicted to anything. The smallest most seemingly insignificant thing, (TV for example) can have just as much, if not more power on someone than a substance like cocaine. It baffles my mind. Also, the power of the mind baffles my mind. Because that's the one thing all addictions trace back to--mind struggle. What would happen to the state of humanity if we gained power over our minds instead of the other way around? Is it even possible? It's interesting to think about.
Anyway, that's what was swirling around in my head during church. Now I'm back at home and other things are swirling around--mainly smells from the kitchen. Of cinnamon rolls, honey baked ham, sweet potatoes, dinner rolls, FRICK. Tonight I will be practicing sitting in my room with a cold plate of salad while the YWAMers sit around tables in the cafeteria sharing warm smiles and hot dishes of delectable treats. I'm not irate about it yet. Actually, I'm pretty peaceful about it. But it's only 8 hours into this fast. So far 2 bananas, almond butter and some cashews a few hours later have been enough to satisfy my spoiled belly. Oh, but I should probably mention that I had a caramel macchiato at 1pm. In an attempt to poop. That might be TMI for most of you, but for me, as the Colon Health Queen, it's nothin' more than a topic for dinner table discussion. So sorry in advance, but there might be much more poo talk in the next 29 posts than you might enjoy. Anyway, this is my written pact to you all (so far Josh Brown and maybe one other person) to NOT drink sugary lattes in order to poop anymore during this fast. Because I have a feeling it just re-toxifies me as if I'm back to square one. So. here's to no more coffee--yerba mate instead. Clean, yet stimulating--mentally and...physically.
Cheers.

30 Day Raw Fast--Begin.

2011-04-23T21:58:00.002-05:00

     During the next 30 days I'm going to blog once a day to document a much needed raw food fast. The idea of blogging about it was probably the last thing on my mind because, as we all know, it's not the best thing to draw attention to yourself when you're fasting. It causes people to be impressed by what you're doing and then self-glorification is your only reward. Fasts are about much more than upping your ego. Fasting is a willful release from the things that bind you and it's a painful and ugly process. It uproots your emotions, causes your body to freak out with toxic elimination, and creates moodiness that changes from elation to rage in a matter of minutes. It SUCKS. Maybe more for me than anyone else. But food is a major, major vice in my life. I've gone on fasts, the longest stint being 8 days on juice. But on the 8th day, I wasn't quitting because I felt like I was finished. I quit because I was hungry. Which proved to me that I was still a slave to hunger. I had not yet become its master.
I've heard powerful testimonies from people who fast for long durations. I've only been able to catch glimpses of the change. I've never been able to be fully set free. So, I'm trying again. I have God on my side, which is a blessing and means I won't have to rely solely on the weak muscle strength of my will. But that also means I'm going to have to deal with the breaking of spiritual chains and bondage, not just physical. Which definitely ups the struggle.
     So, why am I blogging about this? Well, accountability for one reason. Although, I am aware that probably only two people read this blog, and that I could have accountability of every friend in my life and I would still rebel in one way or another. I know that my success will never come from accountability. If anything, accountability is simply a reminder of what I'm doing and why. Secondly, I want to be able to lay out, day by day, the progression of this fast--the spiritual high, the inevitable rage, the grief, the detox symptoms, the transformation--and see the ebb and flow of 30 days of deprivation from my biggest go-to comfort source.
     I'm not excited about this. Mostly because I've tried diets like this probably 100 times and fail by day 3 like clockwork. I'm ridiculously good at convincing myself out of these types of things--telling myself that it's not healthy, that I don't need it or that 7 days is long enough. But I know, deep in my heart, that this is right and necessary. So, here's my documentation of how I currently feel and my written commitment to these next 30 days. Watch me try to fight it like a crack head in a matter of hours.

     Happy Easter tomorrow. God, thank you for being alive. Accept this sacrifice. As small as it is, it's the greatest thing I can offer you at this point.

2011-02-26T12:50:00.002-06:00

"I am sick at heart...

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day

To the last syllable of recorded time,

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And is heard no more. It is a tale

told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing."

MacBeth, (Act V, Scene V)

The True Vine (and the peace it brings)

2011-02-19T17:57:00.003-06:00

Sorry that most of my posts have been sappy and angsty, but maybe that's okay for a season.

I'll begin this one with an excerpt from scripture.

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. ³ You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴ Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
⁵ “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶ If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷ If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸ This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
⁹ “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. ¹⁰ If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. ¹¹ I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. ¹² My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³ Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. ¹⁴ You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵ I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. ¹⁶ You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. ¹⁷ This is my command: Love each other. --John 15:1-17

I have been planted in the Vine, no matter if I like that or not.What I mean by that is, something inside of me compels me to believe in this thing called God. I don't know why. That's just the way it is and the way it's always been. Something is written on my heart to follow after this God. I am rooted in this Vine, no matter what my head says or my heart feels. No matter what I do to talk myself out of it or analyze it down to what it always seems like it might be--a delusion--the rightness and truth of the gospel message (and more so, the peace it brings) always outweigh my doubts.
How is it that simply remaining in the Vine, even if all it is is picking up my bible and reading a few scriptures, or praying a prayer void of anything eloquent but a few mumbles of pain or thankfulness from the heart, causes a warmth to arise in my soul that brings about a peace that passes all understanding, that trumps my worries, fears, anxieties and analysis and I'm left somehow knowing in my heart that God is holding me in the palm of his hand, not pushing me forward or sending me backward, just holding me there, safely and securely? A simple act of frustrated communion with my God --this great God that I will never understand or grasp no matter the length of my reaching or analyzation of my mind--brings about relief that I don't deserve or even necessarily expect?

Who is this God?

He has apparently chosen me and I apparently have favor in His sight. He's apparently patient with me beyond earthly measure. He apparently loves me and I have no idea why. He apparently fashioned me into the great Vine that He is, as a branch that is entirely dependent on Him for life, vibrancy, joy and peace. To many it may sound crazy, and many may blame the peace in my heart that I'm describing as influence of tradition or influence of American culture and family environment, as I have grown up around this my entire life. I often wonder that myself. But there is nothing on earth I will attest to more that wipes away every pinch of dread and every tear of hopelessness, or sets my head in the right direction or heals the wounds of my heart more than God himself--this vast, vague, all encompassing and sometimes ever silent being. Is that something to rationalize away? Or is it something to wonder at? Don't choose the easy one. And God, help me not to either.

"Rush Is Never Right"

2011-02-16T14:21:00.001-06:00

In Richard Foster's book The Celebration Of Discipline, he begins one of the chapters regarding meditation with a quote from Carl Jung that says, "Hurry is not of the devil; it is the devil." That quote struck me when I first opened the book years ago. But as with most books, I left The Celebration Of Discipline half finished. I picked it up again recently only to be struck by that quote once again. But I think things hit you differently in different seasons. In this season, where I'm more rooted in my 'work' than I've probably ever been, I realized how much I've developed an attitude of rushing in every area of my life. I've become incredibly goal-oriented. Whether that's finishing the last drop of my coffee or mobilizing a certain number of missionaries onto the field. Being goal-oriented is good, but if you leave out the value of the process, so many things are devalued and lost. Rushing and hurrying and keeping my eyes on the goal has caused me to put blinders on and disregard everyone and everything but my goal, whether that's washing the dishes or sitting down to tea with a friend, checking my watch or allowing my mind to race with everything I have to do. How awful! And I wonder how much it shows, when all someone wants is my time, that I'm thinking about how much time is being wasted in that moment. Ugh. It makes me feel a little sick. I've started asking myself what my life might look like if I began to adopt the mentality that I have all the time in the world. Imagine what could actually get done, relationally! Slow, steady conversations, true listening, true relating. Slowness is the foundation of so many meaningful and beautiful things. Relating this back to Jesus, my thought process was this: if Jesus walked--loving, healing, relating--then everything Satan would want from us would be sprinting--eyes focused on the end goal, disregarding and shoving aside everything along the way with the delusion "it's all about God". God is outside of time. Why would he rush? To what end? He is, by nature, process.

2011-02-05T16:40:00.004-06:00

I was raised up believing
I was somehow unique
Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes
Unique in each way you can see

And now after some thinking
I'd say I'd rather be
A functioning cog in some great machinery
Serving something beyond me

But I don't, I don't know what that will be
I'll get back to you someday soon you will see

What's my name, what's my station
Oh just tell me what I should do
I don't need to be kind to the armies of night
That would do such injustice to you

Or bow down and be grateful
And say "Sure take all that you see"
To the men who move only in dimly-lit halls
And determine my future for me

And I don't, I don't know who to believe
I'll get back to you someday soon you will see

If I know only one thing
It's that every thing that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable
Often I barely can speak

Yeah I'm tongue tied and dizzy
And I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing helplessness blues?
Why should I wait for anyone else?

And I know, I know you will keep me on the shelf
I'll come back to you someday soon myself

If I had an orchard
I'd work till I'm raw
If i had an orchard
I'd work till I'm sore

And you would wait tables
And soon run the store

Gold hair in the sunlight
My light in the dawn
If I had an orchard
I'd work till I'm sore

If I had an orchard
I'd work till I'm sore

Someday I'll be
Like the man on the screen

-Helplessness Blues, Fleet Foxes

Engage with The Law Of Undulation

2011-01-14T16:30:00.001-06:00

This is a shout-out to my favorite poets, artists and musicians who learn to take the downs of life, the pain, the struggle and the unanswered questions and turn them into beautiful works of art that in turn give life, hope and joy to others.

Amazing.

Don't simply be thankful for struggle and pain--learn to seek out and fight for anything that can be grasped.

Art, Christianity and Why I Sometimes Hate Them Both

2010-12-21T23:44:00.004-06:00

I watched a documentary called Beautiful Losers last night, a documentary about New York street artists and their collaborative art gallery 'Alleged'. Then tonight I watched Ray, the movie about Ray Charles.
If there's two things I love, it's street art and soul music. If there's two things I've never been, it's daring, risky, brooding with soul and life. I've stifled those things. Both consciously and subconsciously.

I've been observing myself as an artist lately. Sometimes I hate art, especially my own. I've been asking myself why that is. My process has been this: I'm not sure if I remember a time when I painted straight from who I am, rather than painting what I think people want to see. I've been asking myself what kind of art I would create if I began creating from the things that go on in my mind and my heart. Would I still create rigid, detailed portraits, obsessing over every line and shadow until it reaches perfection? No. I'm beginning to think my art has been another way in my life to exhibit some type of control when I'm well aware of the fact that there's nothing about my mind, heart or life that I can control. But what a relief, right? What an escape--to be able to keel over a piece of paper and perfect the face of someone else, to replicate someone else's creation with precision and perfection, knowing I can place my pencil on the page, will it to move and have it listen.

The people in my life that have affected me the most are the ones that were broken.
The concepts in my life that have affected me the most have been the radical ones.
No one has ever impacted much of anything by being perfect.

I'm wondering how this theme of perfection in my life translates into my religion. Probably in every sense of the word. Sometimes I find myself hating Christianity because of how incredibly vapid it can be. There are times I sit in a Christian small group or listen to a fellow Christian giving me "sound advice" and all I am thinking is that there's a possible chance I'm devoting my life to complete tripe. But I shove that feeling down because it's the right thing to do, and if I voiced it or asked questions, eyebrows would be raised and people would question my salvation. People would ask me why I'm a missionary. And I get that. I mean, those are logical questions to ask. But out of all the times I loathed Christianity, I've never felt that way about God--the huge God who encompasses vitality and transcends conditioned religious thinking. That God gives me hope to sit through the person telling me I just need to pray more or have more faith. He gives me grace for our religion perverted and dumbed down with human striving and frantic attempts to construct and box-in the undefinable. He encourages me sit down alone with him, pray and get honest. I want those times with God to cross over into my art, as well as my writing.

I'm tired of creating art and writing to please others and to get praise. Anybody will tell you they like something or that it looks nice. Not many people will tell you that your work is shit, even if it is. I'm aiming to begin creating things that draw out a disturbance from those who view it--whether that disturbance is positive or negative. I want it to be more than a pretty thing to look at (although there are times for that). I want it to be what art was meant to be. Then maybe I won't hate it so much.

So you think you can dance--at CHURCH?

2010-12-12T17:58:00.005-06:00

It's interesting how much I hear everyone give this lady crap that goes to my church. I guess I should include myself with 'everyone' because I give her crap, too. She dances during worship. But she doesn't just sway back and forth or jump up and down, even--no, she lurches and jerks around. Sometimes, during an exceptionally powerful song, she looks like she might have a seizure. This lady doesn't even have the decency to stand in the back where no one can see her--she stands in the very front row, of all places. It doesn't matter where I look when I'm singing, somehow I can always see her arm flailing or her hair bouncing. I'm not the only one who notices, because I've seen people glance at her. I've heard people whispering. Actually, I've only heard one person say anything good about her dancing, and it was from a person that's always able to see Jesus in anyone and everyone, so I shouldn't be surprised that he was the exception to this rule. Anyway, today I was standing again during worship in the center and there she was again, a few rows ahead of me--bobbing back and forth with her eyes closed, looking lost in the music, while the bassist on stage kept glancing over at her odd movements. My normal reaction to this is to roll the eyes of my heart and try to will myself out of judgment and animosity. But today I didn't feel any animosity or judgment toward this woman. I felt a weird sense of longing. Because me and this lady are complete opposites, in the worship sense. This lady lets loose and is completely fearless in her adoration of The Lord, which is as it should be. Me? My heart twists with fear and anger at every corporate worship time, wondering why the only reaction to God I can muster is completely stoic. Worshiping in solitude, I have no problem with. But when it comes to corporate worship...I'm like ice. Now, if there's one quality you can pinpoint about this dancing woman without even talking to her, it's this--fearlessness. Nothing is stopping this woman. I mean think about it--if fear is one of the major roots of depravity, then imagine what could happen if you carried fearLESSness as a prominent character trait. You could transcend a lot of things that most people would never overcome. I imagine this woman does.
I kept watching this lady more and more, and as I was watching I began thinking about David and the well known story of him dancing in the street for The Lord. In 2 Samuel 6, David beings dancing before the Lord and simultaneously, his subjects. David is so enthralled and enamored by his Lord that he's dancing like a complete undignified idiot--one of those 'special' ones. One of those people that you see and then immediately turn away from. Or start picking at your nails. Or start praying they don't come alongside you and pull you into a dance with them. Or turn to the person next to you and crack a joke about how ridiculous they are. You all know the type of dancer I mean. During David's display for the Lord, verse 16 says, "Michal the daughter of Saul looked out of the window and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart." She then comes down to the street and pulls David aside and says to him, '"How the king of Israel distinguished himself today! He uncovered himself today in the eyes of his servant's maids as one of the foolish ones shamelessly uncovers himself!"' David replies, "'It was before the Lord, who chose me above your father and above all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the Lord, over Israel; therefore I will celebrate before the Lord."
David's reaction was wise and soft, knowing that his dancing was for no one else but One person. What did he have to worry about? His treasure lies somewhere else.

Two things from all of this.
A. What if we could live without fear, with the notion that this life is about something much bigger than ourselves? Holy crap, this life is NOT about us. What if we lived that way? Then maybe we could make eternal, lasting and selfless change for the flicker of time we're on Earth.
B. If we're ever to do anything radical or God breathed, we have to be willing to risk people not liking us or calling us things behind our backs. As ugly as that is, and as much as it shouldn't happen, it does. It happens because other people's fearlessness flares up and exposes our own fears. That's why we hate it. That's why I judge that lady and that's why you do, too.

I want to start moving away from all this stuff--all this judgment and fear, and everything that stems from it. Because it simply doesn't matter. There is no excuse for me to judge or trash talk a lady who dances in worship if I call myself a child of Jesus. There is no excuse for me to harbor fear of man during worship if I carry the mark of a perfect and fearless savior. I want to begin to worry about things that actually matter. I want to know Jesus so deeply that my cares and woes being to align with his, causing me to live and act fearlessly, sacrificially, selflessly and lovingly. O' to be free of what imprisons us.

I wonder if this lady knows exactly what her dancing stirs up--not only in the pleased eyes of her Father, but in the people at church who are ever observing her.

Real Cool, Kim

2010-12-01T15:08:00.003-06:00

This is the dumbest and least sacrificial thing I've ever read in my entire life. Has social justice really become THIS trendy?

Kim Kardashian quits the internet for AIDS

God's Deafening Silence

2010-11-10T18:44:00.001-06:00

On the threshold of change and transformation, the silence of God can sometimes be deafening.

Our God never says too much. He is perfect in that he always says just enough. In our struggles, in our desperations, we run to him pleading for answers and begging to be spared from trials. Each time we fall to his feet crying out our frustations, God nods knowingly, listens intently with patience and love, and then sits back...and is still. Why does that frustrate us more than anything? Instead of throwing out answers, he asks questions. Sometimes, he doesn't even do that. We're left in the dark, we're left without conclusion. The only conclusion we can draw is our own. Sometimes all we have in God's silence are bits and pieces of encouraging scripture, or hopefully the warmth of His Spirit. But sometimes, not even that.
Recently I was put in a situation that absolutely terrified me. It was a situation that depended on my performance. I had no idea how to carry out the task I was appointed, simple as it was. I let my fear consume me, I let my emotions grab hold of me and I was nearly throwing up in anticipation of how much I knew I was going to fail. I was praying diligently for God's answers. For the relief from the anxiety and fear. For God to fix everything for me. I've prayed for God's relief before, but this time, my plea was desperate. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. But still, irrationally enough, I was absolutely overcome by my own fear and I had zero left in me to do what I was asked to do. But I couldn't back out of it. So, I told God that I absolutely needed him to come through because I was empty and void of anything to offer. I walk up to do my thing. I open my mouth and--to my surprise--words of eloquence flow out with nary a stutter. Everything made perfect sense and truth was flowing out of me that I never knew was inside. On top of that, the fear was zapped away.
What happened?
God moved.
Why?
I continually avoid every thing I can't control, every thing that makes me afraid, every thing that I could possibly fail at. But God works the most beautifully when we're completely emptied of everything inside of us. Because in that, his Spirit finally has room to move. To ebb and flow without getting stunted and pushed back by walls of pride, control and striving.
God knowingly lets us sit in our discomfort and ignorance. He lets us hang on the edge by a few fingers. We're screaming and shouting for an answer, for relief, for some type of solution. We feel like we are going to die. But it's in those moments that he moves the most mightily.

Surprisingly enough, this character trait of God sends me into an enamored state of warm fuzzies. What love! What pure and true love to focus on the highest good for his child. Silence, on the surface seems so awful. Like, we're being neglected. But the reality is that we're being nurtured more than we know.

Now, more than ever, I've never been so assured of his goodness or so trusting in his character.

I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Fasting and Solitude does not equal Deprivation and Loneliness

2010-10-01T14:13:00.004-05:00

Fasting And Solitude

By
Ron Lagerquist

“Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.”
Luke 5:16

“Make peace with solitude and you will never be the same. The result will be autonomous, independent living that will free you to explore your creative side and God-given destiny.”

Since my first expedition into the wilds of the Canadian north at age twenty-one, I have had a romantic love/hate relationship with solitude. Stripping my daily needs down to a canoe and two backpacks, off I would go, often for two weeks. Parking my car, loading my canoe, and paddling on the first lake, there were day-trippers to keep me company, families who wanted a taste of unpopulated shorelines without the rigors of leaving behind the car and tent trailer. The first portage into the next lake culls away the day-trippers, leaving a more serious folk, marked by their rugged gear and determined visage. Each portage thins the paddlers and, once deep enough in, it is not uncommon to have an entire lake to myself. A lake announces its solitude at night with the absence of distant flickering fires; instead, there is the darkness of the sky silhouetted by the deeper darkness of treetops. The only sounds are nocturnal creatures, the frequent wail of loon-song, and whispering inner voices.

On my previous wilderness trips with friends, I would often sit on a rock by the water, wondering if I would ever have the courage to venture out here alone. There was a longing to remove myself from the man-pack in order to explore the solitude that called to me from across the waves. Finally, at age 45, I mustered up the courage to do a solo canoe trip into the guts of Algonquin Park, a vast wilderness of hundreds of miles of portages joining over a thousand lakes. It was not bears or wolves that caused fear, but the thought of being alone for days with my own demons and no easy escape. Instinctively, I knew some great inner battle awaited me out there, one that I needed to face and win.

“How was your weekend?” “Busy,” I answer. It’s a good answer; I always feel good saying it. The questioner gives a nod of approval. After all, a weekend filled with work, hanging with friends, or family gatherings speaks of a successful, well-connected person. But what if I answered, “I did nothing but sit alone at home and meditate,” I might be met with a courteous smile masking pity or even mild suspicion. Human societies—even Christians—have always been a little distrustful of those who spend too much time alone, yet all of the famous figures of the bible spend a great deal of time alone. David, Moses, and many of the prophets were tempered in the fires of solitude. The desert was a symbol of fasting and solitude. Jesus, himself, left family and friends and ventured out into desolate hills to come face to face with his demon. In his weakest hour, he overcame tailor-made temptations offered to him by one who had been waiting.

Trial by fasting and solitude has involved some of my most painful moments. In the fires of solitude, the pretense of self-importance that comes from a busy life quickly falls away, revealing the stark reality of fears and insecurities that are always just below the surface. When life’s props are gone, the fragility and pending fatality of our humanness becomes exposed, which can leave you feeling naked and vulnerable. Being weakened by fasting only serves to enhance this feeling of vulnerability, forcing you to turn to your internal spiritual resources. If they are bankrupt due to lack of investment of quiet meditation and prayer, you will come face to face with a poverty of spirit within. I am convinced that spiritual poverty is at the root of addiction, whether it be to food, dysfunctional relationships, alcohol, or drugs. Addiction is a way to both dull and run away from a growing feeling of spiritual emptiness. Fasting and solitude stops running dead in its tracks, which is vital to breaking addictive behaviors.

Fifteen years of fasting and solitude finally developed within me the courage to venture into the wilds alone for eight days. I aimed a loaded canoe away from the access point and started paddling. As the park lodge and car faded behind me, there was a growing sense of anticipation of what lay ahead. The effect did not take long. Divorced from e-mail, cell phone, and internet, the silence of wilderness and solitude quickly allowed the ever-present voices of fear, guilt, and regret to move from the background to the foreground. During the second night, while on a lonely island, as the dying embers of the campfire allowed the darkness to embrace me, I realized how much my busyness had been simply running from the whispering words. But here on this island there was no escape, no drowning them out with TV or music. I was faced with one option: confront the voices head-on.

During the first four days of that trip, I faced some of the hardest moments of my life. Waves of guilt and regret assaulted me, faces of the people I had failed were marched across my memory. A broken marriage, secret sin, lust, envy, and unforgiveness filled my guts with bile. Doubt battered me on every side. The authenticity of every good thing I had done was in question—even the motives behind all my writing. There was no God, no loving Savior, only a blue sky filled with the weight of sin and regret. After four days of choking guilt, it finally came; in the deepest crisis of shame, Christ broke through with His grace. This was the unfinished business of my salvation, waiting for me when I had the courage to go deeper into my own sinfulness, so I could discover the depth of God’s love. Accepting God’s forgiveness allowed me to forgive myself and put to rest the accusing voices from which I had been fleeing. Solitude transformed from a terrifying unknown to a sanctuary of fellowship with God.

The harder it is for you to be alone, the more valuable fasting and solitude will be to exact personal freedom. A person who is content with being alone and has made peace with solitude will never be the same. The result will be autonomous, independent living that will free you to explore your creative side and God-given destiny.

No longer afraid to be alone, I am guarded from all kinds of grief, including entering into dysfunctional relationships. Greatest of all, I am experiencing a whole new level of intimacy with God. Alone with God. Alone, silent, and listening. The whispers of guilt and fear are still there, but I am no longer afraid of them. There is a greater truth than sin and shame: God’s grace and forgiveness.

Struggle Is Funny

2010-08-24T00:46:00.002-05:00

Thanks StrengthFinder 2.0, for helping me come to understand my Restorative, Harmonious and Intellectual qualities.
Thanks for not pointing out my inherent weaknesses and tendencies toward idol worship, crippling comparison of myself to others and love of my job before my love of God.
Man.

Sometimes, you have to face your Ugly.
But sometimes you can spend days, weeks, even months occupying yourself with busyness or believing your own lies to keep yourself from having to face your Ugly. Yesterday, I feel like God forced me to. Thank God. I'm the type of person who will resort to every last form of relief before I resort to taking refuge in the Lord. I don't know why this is, but it's always been that way. I guess that's what you call human nature? Maybe. Anyway, yesterday, after what seemed like I was being "caught like a bear by the feet with his hands in the hive who complains of the sting" (I was doing something that was not wise, all the while whining to God about how unhappy I was), I was hit with how good I am at ignoring bad and uncomfortable things, and covering them up with forms of escapism. I mean, I'm really good at ignoring things. And escaping. It's kind of scary. I never thought about it before, but I see it all areas of my life. Socially, spiritually...even with the way I eat. So yesterday I actually sat down, very unwillingly, whining and frowning at having to face my own Ugly, and I searched my heart and mind for discomforts and anxieties and concerns, and ended up pinpointing about 6 different things that were what I considered to be significant problems that I had subconsciously been ignoring. 6. That's a lot! If you're defining them as problems that would cause stress and distraction in life. I know everyone has problems at any given point, but for some reason I have the concept in my head that being problem free = being holy, therefore I've been ignoring my problems.
And not without cost.
Because with it, I've developed about 6 or so habits, or compulsions, that are outlets for me do deal with this stuff I'm not actively dealing with. Isn't that funny? Seriously. I think it's kind of amazing. If we don't acknowledge and work through our struggles, they'll surface anyway without our consent. There's no way to avoid struggle or pain. Because in one way or another--you'll end up having to deal with them. And if you don't deal with them right away or in good time, they'll will come back up with a few pals you'll have to deal with them, too. And those pals bring pals, and their pals bring pals...and it ends up being a party.
So acknowledge it and nip it early. And most importantly: love your struggle and your pain. Because Our God is a god of struggle (see: the story of Jacob). He obviously loves both of them and sees their value or he wouldn't have wired our minds and bodies to force us to face them.
So, as it is with everything:
Praise God.

Be Careful

2010-08-21T16:30:00.002-05:00

Greed, fear, hate, selfishness, gluttony, intentional ignorance, and the myriad amount of silent, quick-spreading evils are best established through passivity and negligence of the highest form of Good and/or thinking we already know what that Good is.

Disarmed.

2010-07-01T13:13:00.002-05:00

God, God, God.

That's all the words I can seem to muster lately when I pray or worship or stand before God.
Our God is huge. And all encompassing. Completely unpredictable. and 100% NOT formulaic.
I'm frustrated lately because I'm a very formulaic and step-by-step person. Normally, you do such and such, to get such and such. It's logic. It's the law of Causation.
But God does not work this way. And I think He ups his mysteriousness and unpredictability and evasiveness even more so to those who have problems with formulaic religious thinking in order to show them that He is not this way. His arm is the one thing in the life of an analyzer/controller, that they cannot through will, force or manipulation of any kind, twist. And to us analyzers/controllers, that's disarming, frustrating, infuriating and exposing of our true nature. It's something ugly we don't like to see. We can petition, we can ask, we can plead, but nothing we do with intentions of boxing Him in will ever work.
So, given that, I'm finding that during prayer, I can repent, I can praise, I can ask, I can do anything, but none of that will guarantee He will speak to me.
During worship, I can pray for humility, I can pray against pride, I can sing through gritted teeth, but none of that will guarantee I will meet with God and give Him the praise He deserves.
In my day-to-day, I can begin with meditating on His word, appreciating His creation, listening intently to my neighbor, preferring others above myself, but none of that will guarantee that at the end of the day, I glorified God.
I don't get God. If God was religious, this whole thing would be so easy. All of the above would be completely successful. But it's not. They're all good things, repentance, praying against pride, preferring my neighbor, meditating on his word...they're all beautiful and gifts from God. But if we cling to these things as ways to manipulate and 'get to' The Father, then we lose the beauty and the wonder of the fact that He is like wind through the trees: there for a few seconds then gone. Moving and invading the surroundings, then off to affect something else. Tangible on your skin for a split second, then He disappears. You try to catch him, but instead He flows right through your fingers. Who is this God?
I'd like to say that lately I'm in wonder of the evasiveness of God. But I'll be honest and say that I'm frustrated. God makes no sense. Ritually, I'm holy. Spiritually, I don't feel so holy. But yet, He loves and He gives life to me, slowly and subtly, despite the fact I'm frustrated and irritated with the most beautiful part of His being! If that's not anti-formulaic and upside-down, I don't know what is.

God, God, God!

Christians Need To Be More Offensive

2010-04-29T23:59:00.002-05:00

Trying to find God truly is like trying to catch vapor or the wind. Every time you think you can pin him down or label him or catch him, he slips right through your fingers, yells "gotcha!" and scampers off in a random direction, leaving you bewildered and questioning the things you think you know about him.

I was reading the beattitudes yesterday and came across this one--
Luke 6:26--"Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for their fathers used to treat the false prophets in the same way."

This is one of those verses that makes me think, "What the hell am I doing with my life?" I don't even have one enemy (to my knowledge). Does that make me a poor catalyst for the kingdom of God? After reading through the rest of the beatitudes (Luke 6: 20-38), and seeing the verse in it's context, it's pretty obvious what Jesus is getting at. Being a follow of Jesus comes with strife, difficulty, sacrifice, death, mourning, hunger, and more. It is not easy. But when we can engage in the difficulty and find the face of Christ in it--that's when the true blessings of Christ are received. So, I got to thinking about verse 26, specifically. I got to thinking about Jesus and how "he did not come to bring peace on earth, but a sword Mt. 10:34)". And how usually, after preaching, everyone wanted to stone him or kill him or throw him off a cliff. When we read the things he said now, we think, "That's not even shocking or offensive, why was everyone freaking out so much?" It's because everything he was saying during those times were things that were disturbing, realistic, dynamic, unprecedented and raw. Aka--truth. Anyway, you guys all know these things. But here's my question and conversation starter--

If Christ, when he came to Earth, came to bring truth, which caused division and upset...as Christians, wouldn't he expect us to do the same? Not going around picking a fight (that's just stupid and arrogant), but speaking truth when truth is needed. When truth needs to be spoken and represented in a situation. How often do we, because of our fear of being seen as "pushy Christians", pull the "grace and forgiveness" card and keep quiet and peaceful, when raw truth is necessary? What's so bad about offending/getting offended? It rustles feathers, it stirs uncomfortable feelings, it makes people think. If anything, that's good. Great, actually. What am I getting at--If we can't be the kind of followers of Christ who aren't afraid of division, then we can't truly follow him. Because he was offensive.

The second level to this question is, if Jesus' preaching Jew and Gentile equality, or grace vs. law was enough to get him thrown off a cliff in his day and age, then what is the equivalent to that in our day and age? What truth that needs to be shared would make people so uncomfortable and offended that they would want to punch you in the face (and I'm talking about TRUTH from God, not something out of our own perception and pretension)? Pray about it. Ask God to help your thinking and actions to be ever evolving, creative, new and truth-filled. As him to help so that you can be a tool to bring the kingdom of heaven to Earth. Because as unchanging and steadfast as our God is, he's also fiery and an advocate for change and new-ness. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have sent Christ. Lets celebrate that facet of our God and dwell in it.

Relative Sin

2010-04-23T10:34:00.002-05:00

As I'm getting to know Jesus more, I'm trying this thing out where I question all of my motives and thoughts about who He is and make sure they're not being born of tradition or common thought, but of my own biblical and Spirit-led search and revelation. It's a good thing because it opens up doors to very beautiful parts of God, but it's also scary because it's shaking up the things I think I know about God and introducing things that can be somewhat uncomfortable and hard to swallow. I'm discovering that God is nothing like we think he is. But that is another topic for a different day. What I really want to talk about now is sin, and how it relates to what I just mentioned. And how steering away from tradition is bringing up the term "relativism" in my pursuit of Christ. I understand that most Christians see relativism as very dangerous and misaligned with the character of God because it suggests vague guidelines vs. foundational truth.But I also understand that God relates to individuals in very different ways. And if sin is something that separates us from God, isn't it possible for some of that sin to be relative? Because different people relate to God in different ways. Example: I have issues with food and if I allow myself to binge on sweets, it dulls my senses, it's escapism, it's an unhealthy way to deal with deeper crap going on: it separates me from God. But for someone else, binging wouldn't necessarily separate them from God, it would just make them feel sick. So binging is sinful for me. But for someone else, it's just a lighthearted unhealthy choice. I get that there are obvious sins that separate everyone from God, no matter how the individual relates to him. But I know there are others that are different.

Thoughts?

The reason I posted this in the first place is because I'm noticing that it's getting harder and harder for me to define what sin is in my life. I'm also noticing that the topic of sin is becoming less and less discussed because it ignites a sense of legalism and no Christian hipster wants to be seen as a Bible thumper, so I'm seeing a degeneration of morale among Christians my age. Because we serve a "forgiving" God. We misinterpret his forgiveness and use it as a loophole for sin. This is nothing new, Paul talked about it in Romans 5&6. But "love" and "forgiveness" are not excuses to compromise truth or morals. So, to tie this in, what are those truths and morals, and can they be relative? and, to relate to degenerating morale, just how angry does God get when we know what we're doing is wrong, yet we keep on doing it to convey a liberal Christianity? And how much room does he give us before he holds us responsible and begins punishing us for that behavior, calling it repetitive and conscious sin?

Tradition

2010-03-21T22:37:00.003-05:00

What would you live for if all notions caused by tradition weren't present?

Would you devote your life to your work, in order to make your money, in order to pay bills and function in a society?

Would you believe that God manifested himself, but also his Son, in human form on earth to die for everyone living in it, and everyone who would live, acting as a bridge from us to God? And now we can have a relationship with him through acts of faith? (or any other ancient religious system you adhere to)

Would you eat 3 meals a day?

Would you want to get married?

Would you want to have children?

Are there things you're devoting your life to simply because it's what "we do" or it's what "we've always heard"? Do your intuitions and experiences lead you to live somewhere beyond what might be traditionally expected of you (or what you might expect of yourself)?
What if we all lived that way? Imagine what could be found...
It would take a shload of guts.

Mobilizing the US Naysh and my own heart

2010-03-05T23:21:00.001-06:00

   Im writing this on a German keyboard, so there will be no apostrophes and i might accidentally switch my zs and ys because theyre switched places on this keyboard. it belongs to my friend Hanna, 1 of 4 people on this mobile trip in Puyallup, Washington. (Naysh stands for Nation, p.s.)

   Ive been wanting to update this blog ever since my last post, but ever since then i have had a terrible time compartmentalizing my thoughts into something readable. i hope that means God is producing something in me that will overflow into some form of definite action with a clear purpose and goal.

   That action will contain the following--

loving the Lord God with my soul, heart and mind
responsibility for what my own life will/can look like
giving my abundance to those who are without

This mobile trip Im on is solidifying the work and revelation God is doing in me, as well as a book Im reading by Richard Stearns that is de-glossing the glamour that can sometimes come with a life of serving the poor (how sad that we have turned it into that, but there is no doubt that "do gooding" has a saint-like halo around it). In other words, reality is kicking in. Lately Ive been praying for nothing more than constant realization of reality and the brief duration of this life and how I can make it worthwhile.

Jumbled thoughts. But that has been my mind for the past month!

Responsibility (in regards to living a full life)

2010-02-11T12:54:00.001-06:00

Responsibility is one of those things that looks great from far away, but when it comes to actually living it out, you never want to do it and its just not that fun.

The specific type I'm talking about right now is responsibility of your life. I'm not sure exactly when I learned the lesson that "life is what you make it", but ever since I learned it, I am no longer able to ask myself why certain things in my life aren't happening or coming to pass. I'm no longer able to ask myself, because I already know why before the question has the time to reach my lips. It's because I'm not making it happen. It's pretty irritating. Every time I wake up with another day full of nothing, and get ready to sit down with a cup of coffee and whine to my journal about how boring my life is, Responsibility pops out from behind the couch and says, "Get off your ass!" Gone are the days of prolonged angst and shaking my fist at the world saying, "Why must I constantly feel unfulfilled and stunted in this place, why can't I go and pursue what I want to pursue?!" Responsibility's reflection shows up in my mug of coffee and says, "It's at your fingertips."
She shows up in my phonebook as I scroll pass the number of that friend I still haven't called to hang out like I said I would.
She shows up in my coworker complaining about her animosity towards her husband, as I catch myself not listening with my whole heart.
She shows up when I exchange money with that guy at the coffee place, leaving once again without introducing myself.
In the hands of my grandfather clock, as another day draws to a close.
Responsibility looms. in a good way.

No one keeps you from anything but you.

There's probably an exception to that rule, but it is very rare. I'm talking natural disaster or death or something extreme. 99.9% of excuses can be overcome and there is no excuse for them.

So, for all of you who want a step-by-step program on how to suck out all the marrow of life, no matter where you are or what you are pursuing--

1. Use all of your resources
2. Get creative
3. Overcome fear/emotion/laziness
4. You're going to die someday, perhaps soon, so make this season in your life one that won't be another season of you waiting for stuff to fall in your lap.

I know I've talked about this before. But why is half the world completely dissatisfied? One big reason is that we're not manning up.

The Power Of Language

2010-02-06T15:24:00.004-06:00

Thanks to the wonderful book loan program offered to employees of Barnes and Noble, I am now reading Percy Jackson and the Olympians. It's no Harry Potter, I'm just saying. But it is entertaining. Anyway, I'm on like chapter 6 and I keep reading things along the lines of, "names have power," and "don't throw those names around so casually." This book series is about Greek gods, so I'm assuming what they're ultimately getting at is that some things are so powerful the mere mention of their name brings about certain things (like in Harry Potter, how no one wanted to say Voldemort, so they had substitutions.) Anyway, this got me thinking about the God I serve, the God of Abraham, who's name I throw around like nobody's business. And the name of His Son. Then it got me thinking about language in general. And how powerful it can be. I suddenly became aware of what is most prominent in my day to day conversation. The following are in my daily vernacular--

(asterisks have been provided)
"That makes me want to die"
"I'm about to punch people"
"what the f***"
"sh*t"
"son of a b****"
"ass"
"pissed"
"Oh, God" ** (but these are asterisks to a footnote.)

I'm sorry, but it's true. To be honest, the reason I say most of these things is for comic relief or to get a reaction from someone or something. Cussing is funny to me and can bring rawness and/or relaxation to a conversation, depending on who you're talking to. However...the response I get from most Christians when I say something like what's listed above is generally not positive. And for a long time, I didn't really care. Because I'm a liberal Christian or something like that, and we liberal Christians know we can do and say things conservative Christians think are "bad" and we can defy the norm and show that God's grace surpasses such trivial things, and we don't have to live by "the law".
Well...
No.
How selfish is that?? I mean, really. I guess it's a good thing that I don't feel bound by a rule that forbids me to never cuss or say the wrong thing, but it's not a good thing that I feel like I can freely throw around words that can carry much power and influence in the minds of others. I'm not going to start being militant and condemning about the way I speak, but I am going to start praying for the ability to be more conscious and aware of when I'm using destructive language. And truly, all of the above are destructive. Not one of them has a positive connotation.

So I don't know. Lately, I'm really beginning to understand the value of compassion and kindness, and the way I've been speaking is in no way helping to ingrain that in my mind, even if it is simply to be funny or relatable. I guess that's the point of this.
How you speak reveals what is in your heart and what is not. And how you speak has the power to put things in your heart and take them out.

**I'm aware that I'm not the only Christian who does this. I'm also aware though, that Jews, who serve the same God as I do, don't even dare write or type His name out as they believe it's too holy to have the potential to be erased, so they write or type G-d. I used to think that was really great and beautiful, so I did that for awhile, but then I stopped. Mostly because I don't think I truly believe in my heart my God is that holy and mighty. If I did, I simply wouldn't use his name so much, right? What does God think? Commandment #3 says "Do not take the name of The Lord in vain." But what does that even mean? Ultimately, I think it means don't throw it around and damage the reputation of the Lord with what you say that is either positive or negative about him (i.e. "God damn it", or "God told me such and such about this or that," when you're not 100% sure He really did. One negative, one positive, but both shape a person's view of who God is). This is an entirely different issue for an entirely different post, but feel free to comment and carry this topic wherever you may...I have a lot of digging to do on how God would have us respect his name and carry out the Old Covenant commandments, while living in a New Covenant christianity, but please give your thoughts anyway.

The Addictiveness of Isolation

2010-02-01T23:49:00.003-06:00

        I'm irritated at whoever invented suburbs and single family dwellings. and cubicles.

        Lately, because of my foot injury, I only get to work about 1/3 of what I would like. That's led to me having lots of downtime. Lots. Isolation is funny because at first you think it's a wonderful luxury and a way to re-energize and get everything done you've needed to get done for so long. Eventually though, it turns out to be like your stoner room mate you can't get rid of.
        "Just chill out for a while."
        "Lets just hang out here again."
        "Lets get pizza...."
        It tricks you into wanting more and more isolation. You discover you're starting to need all this downtime in order to have the energy to go out and do things with actual people. Then you start to hate your isolation because it's boring and not fulfilling and all you want is someone to come over and hang out, but when they finally do, you get pissed off because they're ruining your perfect, controlled isolated space. Everything becomes way too much effort and you'd rather sit around daydreaming then living in reality with other human beings.

        It creeps me out.

        The only solution I see to this is to get off my ass and go pursue some people. I hate it when people make excuses for things because it shows immaturity and irresponsibility, but I'm being honest when I say it's simply hard to get off my ass. It's hard to fight my self. Half the time I don't even recognize when I'm giving into a fight with it. I don't recognize when I'm being controlled by my own feelings or emotions. Sometimes I swear I just let them take me by the hand and we skip along, in my mind or in real life, to things that look so great and sparkly and easy. But, in actuality, are mostly just a waste of my time and/or really stupid.

        But then sometimes, I instead choose to take them by the hand and we go places healthy and constructive to my mind, places full of character and challenge.

        I genuinely hope I can continue this upward spiral of taking responsibility for my life that's been going on the past few months, and not let a spout of downtime lead me into significant life regression. Good thing God is good at snapping me back to reality.

Finished Hat (yay!) and The Definition Of Reality

2010-01-26T01:26:00.001-06:00

So, I finished the rainbow hat. After making it and taking it apart like literally 10 times, i finally came to a decent ending. Thank you for the pattern. I tweaked it a lot though (straight needles instead of circular, worsted weight yarn instead of bulky, 40 st instead of 48 st...), which is probably (definitely) why it took me forever to make it look good enough to wear. Anyway here it is.

The problem with hand knitted hats, is that they always tend to look...homemade.

Anyway. Now I can say I've knitted a hat.

On to bigger and better things.

Look at this beautiful definition I found for "reality":

Re-al-i-ty
noun
Philosophy
a. something that exists independently of ideas concerning it.
b. something that exists independently of all other things and from which all other things derive.

Lately I've been perplexed by what exactly reality is and how we can be sure we're pursuing it. I've been preoccupied by this lately, mostly because I'm aware of how much our lives and worth are based on things that are NOT reality (i.e. anxiety, fears, the opinions of others, living vicariously through movies or stories etc, and then things like social networking sites and cell phones that allow us to project reality rather than live it). Although I think the above definition is beautiful and true, it's making me wonder even deeper. Automatically, I want to say, "So, pain is reality." Like, emotional pain or physical pain. But are we making judgments about our pain (comparing the sensitivity level to that of which we've always known to be mild or intense), which are therefore ideas, which is therefore outside of reality? If it is that way, can't you apply that to pretty much anything? What is real? This might be really elementary philosophy, I'm not sure. Anyway,

here's the answer:
I don't know.

But here's what my experience has told me about reality, however reliable experience may or may not be:
Suffering is reality.
Joy is reality.
Relationship is reality.
Good is reality.
Evil is reality.

And those are the only definites I can think of right now. Everything else I've yet to discover.

I wonder, in this day and age, how much in a given day most of us actually spend in reality. Communing with one another, engaging in the full spectrum of life experiences at our fingertips. How much of our time do we spend hiding behind perceptions, fears, profile pictures or twitter updates? Ultimately I think the point of this whole post comes down to this--it freaks me the hell out how much we can THINK we're living, when, in reality, we are not. We are picking and choosing a desired reality.

If you feel inclined, please comment to create conversation.

My next post might be about what in life tends to control us most. That seems to be the way this is going.

My final news is this, and is completely off subject--I had a badass dream the other night. Sneak peek: I was transported to another world, Elise was there, me and our crew ended up in a haunted house where zombies popped out of the sand in fencing outfits, and me and a perfect boy fell in love and sought for the greater good of the world. It was AWESOME. and epic. I might blog the whole thing later. We'll see.

French Press (my new boyfriend) and Discipline

2010-01-21T13:04:00.001-06:00

This french press discovery is the freakin' bid-nizz. I love it. If you're ever wondering where I am about an hour after I wake up, I'm sitting on the couch in my living room with one of these babies.

Dip a few oreos in there...perfection. The Finer Things.

The next post will hopefully show my finished rainbow slouchy hat I'm knitting. I've finished it and taken it apart like 3 times. I'm really having to tweak the pattern so hopefully I'll have it finished here pretty soon. And then I'm making one for Adam and Alison. They may or may not be aware of that.

Okay.
Life.
Specifically on the matter of discipline.

Lately I've had lots of discipline in my life. Spiritual and physical. It seems like it's coming easily right now. I go through peaks and valleys with stuff like this, as I'm sure everyone does. Sometimes it feels like the last thing in the world I want to do. Other times it feels like my soul needs a spiritual or physical massage so bad I can't finish my day without spending time with God. Or spending time with Rodney Yee.
I am noticing a pattern, though. When discipline is most prominent in my life, it seems to come when I respect myself the most. When I'm not depressed, anxious or lonely. Discipline comes easiest when I sincerely want the highest form of good for myself. So, logically you would think that I would strive to get rid of any depression, anxiety or loneliness in order that I might be able to keep this desire to love myself. But I don't think so. Negative feelings are just as real as positive feelings. And just as vital to a full live experience. Without them, how would we grow?
I guess the question I'm asking (or the truth I'm stating) is this--how do we fully allow ourselves to feel our sadness (because we will never always feel good), while mustering up the strength to treat ourselves with the highest form of good no matter what we feel? How can we make sure to remind ourselves to search for reality and Good in the valleys of our life experiences?

I guess we just...pray and do it.

Instead of wondering how and beating ourselves up because we "can't" do it. I don't know. I'm all about bucking up lately and putting and end to whining. I've done a lot of whining. A lot. Sometimes I look back on my life and can't believe how much talking and wondering I've done. It's obscene. I'm finally seeing that life, when all you do is stand in the middle of whirling questions, experiences, fears and mysteries, and just stare at them asking the questions "WHY" and "HOW" over and over...that isn't life. Life is standing in the midst of all that, asking those same questions and physically moving forward with them. Taking steps with them. Action. Action. Action. When will we stop avoiding pain and challenges and obstacles, searching for "real life"...and finally open our eyes to the fact that pain challenges and obstacles...are our lives?

Please ponder and respond.

Domestic Tendencies

2010-01-16T01:01:00.002-06:00

Preface:
I had a french press for the first time the other day. It was just so good. and frothy. and textured. and for the first time, I made coffee at home that didn't taste like burnt bacon water. Thanks Elise.
Also, I think I might start taking pictures of the plethora of things I'm creating lately to post on here. I baked a perfect looking fruit coffee cake the other day. And I'm knitting the cutest rainbow hat ever. I'm also a grandmother.

Next order of business--

I am r.e.s.t.l.e.s.s.
I am craving new-ness again.

i.e.--

The World Is Too Much With Us

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon,
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers,
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.--Great God! I'd rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn,
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.

William Wordsworth

Guess What This Is!?

2010-01-13T09:53:00.001-06:00

A hairless bear!!! ewwwwwww........

I used to think bears were really scary, but now I don't know. Look at what they look like with all their hair gone. Like a...marmot elephant... hybrid.

Freedom

2010-01-07T21:56:00.002-06:00

Are you free once you're enslaved?
Or enslaved once you're free?

There is a man sitting in a cage with peace in his smile, who stares at a man sitting outside of the cage with inconsolability in the wringing of his hands.

Who is free?
and by what measure?

"Freedom"...
God?
Master of Self?
Enlightenment?
Mindfulness?
Acceptance?

Which one, says who, at what time?

The Wise Mind

2010-01-06T22:41:00.002-06:00

Thoughts

are different from

Feelings

are different from

Actions

God Whispers Things To Me In My Arrogance

2010-01-03T23:50:00.002-06:00

I wrote this while having a mild panic attack in a suburban church this morning. Often, when I attend church, I sit there, look around the room and judge everyone in it. Harshly. Then get angry with Christianity for having such a shitty Church. What's funny, though, is that all of my judging can truly only reveal one thing--that I am really judging myself. I hate my judgmental mind, my disobedience to God and my preoccupation with myself, so I project it upon others. Anyway, my inner battle leads to anxiety and this is my normal church routine, the few times I actually attend. So this is what God spoke to me today.

"I should vow to journal every time i visit a church. To document the insurmountable anxiety. Frick. I did that in China. I journalled a few pages while I was at a church there. I'm glad I did because I discovered something. I was at an underground missionary church for foreign missionaries--and i still felt like that church was shit, everyone was fake and I wanted to run out of the room and go talk to an atheist stranger. Being here in this suburban, plastic church makes me long for an intelligent, grass roots, no-show service like [insert hipster KC church]. I think to myself that I could never remain somewhere like this Lees Summit church because everyone follows God blindly, defining him as a feel good, smiley, material, sentimental and disconnected "hope", versus a raw, fierce, relational and loving God. I wonder, while watching the worship leader sing and jump around like a member of Relient K (after a video with a robot voice and techno effects counted down to the start of worship. In seriousness.) if we even serve the same God. Do we? Who is delusional here? Me and my definition of God, or this guy and his definition? Or do we both serve the Almighty, it's just that He is abounding in love and patience with how each of us pursue him? If that's true, frick, we serve an incredible God. But also, if that's true that brings up the idea that God is relative in one way or another and that's a whole different topic. Anyway. I don't know. Troy Sherman's teaching comes to mind. The time he was telling us that you don't not go to church because you don't like it. You go to church to be the change that needs to happen. That's beautiful and true. It's trendy now to be mad at church, isn't it? To point the finger and find everything that's wrong so the church has nothing left to do but grovel and ask for forgiveness. I don't know, I think it might be us, the blamers, who need to get our knees and ask the church for forgiveness for not standing on our own two feet with the authority Christ gives us to forgive and rebuild things. Instead of being passive, blaming, whiny cowards. I guess the bottom line is that it could be a plastic suburban church or a hipster, trendy activist church...it doesn't matter what it is, I will find something to hate, judge, accuse or blame about it. It's time to grow up and see the beauty in it all. No one is beyond redemption. Even Christians."

So now, lets move on to bigger and better things.

Ask Yourself

2010-01-01T23:44:00.002-06:00

What is reality?
What is perceived reality?
How do you tell the difference?

God Is Patient With Us Slow Learners.

2009-11-11T11:57:00.001-06:00

I am thankful for God's patience. In my constant striving after the ultimate manifestation of his glory on earth, I keep finding I'm way ahead of myself. As much as I hate to say this, there is much work to be done in me before I can go conquer evil and help save the suffering in His name. But I can say confidently that he has been faithful in preparing me. Looking back on the past year (and a year is such a short period of time!) God has taken me lightyears from where I was. I'm so thankful for that. But I'm still not 100% ready to take on what I'd like to, but I know God is going to be faithful to prepare me. And in that, I must be faithful not not make a god out of justice or activism so much that I lose sight of my God. I know all too well that if I lose sight of him, I have nothing to offer.
So God, be patient with me still. may I chase after the solid rock of your heart, and not be a retard and chase after the wind.

that being said, I'm working on plugging into a place to serve for the next few months...please pray God guides me and keeps my eyes open to places where there is a vital need, be it overseas or in the USA.

I'll be home on Thanksgiving! Can't wait to see everyone :)

Mind vs. Heart

2009-10-16T23:16:00.001-05:00

“The moment God is figured out with nice neat lines and definitions, we are no longer dealing with God.”--Rob Bell

Very few things in life are formulaic and understandable.

Especially the wild, beautiful, unpredictable and mysterious God that Is.

The Galilee Project

2009-10-11T00:32:00.003-05:00

Hi, everyone :)

I've been back in Salem for a little over a month now, in a leadership school called The Galilee Project. I'd love to write a really detailed blog about it and what God's been showing me, but it's flying by so fast, I'm having a hard time digesting it all; although I know inner change is happening, whether I'm conscious of it or not.

But there is one thing I can definitely pinpoint God nudging me about so far: not allowing emotions and feelings (aka. fear, laziness, insecurity, etc) dictate what I choose to do. I'm notorious for making excuses to get out of things, or for convincing myself out of responsibility, or of flat out shrinking back from something even when I'm only mildly afraid. Usually when I think of the word "fearlessness", big feats come to mind, not daily, mundane tasks. But God has been showing me that you can only be fearless in the big things when you become fearless in the small things. And if I'm not giving my all in a situation because of any reason other than some type of physical or mental block that I literally cannot overcome, then I'm either being fearful or lazy. And God wants our best in all areas of life, not the big ones. I'm great at talking about courage and fearlessness, but when it really comes down to it, I'm the biggest coward out there. Seriously. Talk and action are two very different things. God is showing me that action trumps talk any day.

So, please pray that God would continue to redefine who He is from my perspective and that I wouldn't miss out on any learning opportunity this school can offer. And please comment or email me about any concerns in your life, so that I might pray for you as well. Your concerns are my concerns.

Love,
Becky

Redefining Sin

2009-08-26T23:52:00.004-05:00

I'm living in sin.

but it's different than I thought it was.

Here's my thought process that lead me to my conclusion--

If we're Christians, then we believe in grace. Grace is the opposite of shame (one of the opposites). If we live in grace, we carry no shame because of who Christ is.

So, we never need to feel any form of guilt or shame about anything. Ever. Because that's not a part of who Christ is. Even in sin, in any thought or action, we need not carry shame. Because here's the thing-- shame and guilt produce no lasting change. No one changes after feeling bad about something. Usually the only thing that comes from feeling bad...is feeling bad. But, someone WILL change when they know they're trusted enough to invoke inner change in themselves by being able to differentiate between something life giving and something that numbs, destroys, or is not beneficial.

So, "sin" is not something we should view with a shameful connotation. Sin is anything that numbs, deadens or distracts us from the abundant life (here on earth) that Christ has promised us. This is what I think Christ is referring to when he speaks of the "wide path that many take" and the "narrow path" that few find. The wide road is easy and numb (sinful, because it separates us from the abundant life of Christ). The narrow road is the one you must seek out, climb over, trudge through. One that's alive, awake, living, breathing and in tune with Christ in the here and now. The wide path is sinful. Not shameful, or even necessarily guilt ridden. Just without Christ. And the narrow path is the abundant life, without sin, with Christ. And that abundant life frees us from shame and gives us a permanent dwelling position (here on Earth) in a place of grace. Grace, in this case, means forgiveness from Christ and the guarantee that one way or another, the Spirit will show us that if we are taking the wide path, why what we're doing is not life giving and how we can begin to cease, begin to see and being to live.

I know it's well known that all sin is not necessarily considered "bad". But lately I've found myself thinking I'm not in sin simply because I'm staying away from shameful acts. But I am sinning. I'm sinning when I spend all day on facebook, spacing out the world around me and not tuning into the gifts God has given me in the present. And I don't have to feel shameful about that. I'm not bad for that. I'm thankful Christ can show me and gently touch my face, turn my head, and open my eyes to the abundant life he has for me now. Not later. Now.

It's About The Journey, Not The Destination

2009-08-01T10:30:00.005-05:00

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."--Alfred D. Souza

A Stick, A Carrot & String

2009-07-13T23:27:00.005-05:00

Mewithoutyou's new album "It's all crazy! it's all false! it's all a dream! it's alright" has taken me quite a while to get used to, but it's finally growing on me. I still don't consider it their best music by any means, but there are a couple songs in which Aaron Weiss yet again blew me away by his incredible writing skills and ability to portray certain attributes of the character of God that I've always felt about Him, but have never been able to put into words. I've listened to the album multiple times through, but just noticed the lyrics to this song (below) today. The imagery in the lyrics themselves are beautiful, but when coupled with the diverse instruments and Aaron's timid singing voice, it produces something I just really love. Not to mention it beautifully illustrates how Christ did not display his might and greatness through anything people on Earth actually desire or consider worthy of praise. Christ confused the crap out of everyone by being the exact opposite of what everyone expected him to be. But he was what all of our hearts and minds know to be true.

anyway, please read.

A Stick, A Carrot & String

the horse's hay beneath his head
our Lord was born to a manger bed
that all whose wells run dry
could drink of his supply

to keep him warm, the sheep drew near
so grateful for His coming here
come with news of grace
come to take my place
the donkey whispered in his ear
"child, in 30-some-odd years
you'll ride someone who looks like me
untriumphantly"

the cardinals warbled a joyful song
he'll make right what man made wrong
bringing low the hills
that the valleys might be filled

then "child", asked the birds
"well, aren't they lovely words we sing?"
the tiny baby layed there
without saying anything

at a distance stood a mangy goat
with the crooked teeth and a matted coat
weary eyes and worn
chipped and twisted horns

thinking "maybe I'll make friends someday
with the cows and the hens in the rambouillet
but for now, I'll keep away
I've got nothing smart to say"

there's a sign on the barn
in the cabbage town
"when the rain picks up
and the sun goes down
sinners, come inside
with no money, come and buy

no clever talk, nor a gift to bring
requires our lowly, lovely King
come now empty handed, you don't need anything"

and the night was cool
and clear as glass
with the sneaking snake in the garden grass
Deep cried out to Deep
the disciples fast asleep

and the snake perked up
when he heard You ask
"if you're willing that
this cup might pass
we could find our way back home
maybe start a family all our own"

"but does not the Father guide the Son?
not my will, but yours be done.
what else here to do?
what else me, but You?"

and the snake who'd held the world
a stick, a carrot and a string
was crushed beneath the Foot
of your not wanting anything

The Future Is Now

2009-06-27T23:55:00.002-05:00

"There is nothing like suspense and anxiety for barricading a humans mind against the Enemy. He wants men to be concerned with what they do ; our business is to keep them thinking about what will happen to them ."--The Screwtape Letters

I'm sorry I don't post on this more.

2009-06-16T22:12:00.003-05:00

Times are about to change (in terms of me updating this, anyway.)

Things I've been pondering lately...

1.How many people in Western culture are controlled by their emotions? Their passions? Their hungers? How much of us are addicted to cigarettes, alcohol, food, pornography, even simple things like affirmation? I've been reading lately about the Eastern philosophy of being the master of your self. Controlling and channeling those emotions, passions and hungers so that they don't control you. What would Jesus have us do? Embrace emotion and passion, because they help make life vibrant? Or channel them so that we use our God given ability of self-control? Or have a balance? What about those who can't have "just one"?

2. Singleness. Celibacy. The point of marriage. I mean, I get the point and everything. I guess. But if what I've heard is true--that marriage is supposed to be a representation and symbolism of our union with Christ--would that be worth it? or just a distraction?

3. How do we train our minds to stop viewing common things like home, 9-5 shifts, simple conversation, daily deeds...as things that "don't really matter"? I can think of a lot of people who would be a lot more happy if we could all understand that there is no "tomorrow", no "later" and nothing is better on the other side. The most important decision we'll make in life is in the next five minutes...(thank you Troy Sherman)

4. I just don't get Twitter.

What are you pondering?

I've Only Just Begun

2009-03-23T23:07:00.004-05:00

My DTS is over! It was life changing. Here are some pictures. Click the set on the right called "China and Thailand 2009".

http://www.flickr.com/photos/thebsand/

Thank God for this experience.

Freaking Out

2008-11-26T19:50:00.004-06:00

By tonight I will have packed up everything I need for my 3 month trip to China. I'm only taking like 5 shirts and 2 pairs of pants, underwear, toiletries and some books. The rest i'm mailing home, or storing here in Salem until I get back. I don't think I've ever lived on this little in my life.

I'm overwhelmed, but I'm also really excited because I'm finally living out what I've been wanting to live out for quite sometime. I'm going to live minimally with my incredible God, unbelievable friends, and the beautiful people of China and Thailand. Great things are going to happen.

Me and my friends are living out God's promise. An abundant life. and we're going across the globe to meet others who are doing the same thing. World changers who combine trust in God with a passion for social justice to stand up and do something about the hurt in the world. In 6 days my friends and I will be joining them. It's surreal. I'm so incredibly thankful.

so yeah. i just wanted to say that.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!! I hope everyone is blessed by their families and good eatin'.

God Is A Man Of His Word

2008-11-06T12:25:00.004-06:00

I've learned something huge recently about God--

He is a man of his word.
He keeps his promises.
He gives us the desires of our heart.

"For I am confident that he who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus"-Philipians 1:6

When we ask God to show us his heart--the deepest corners of his heart, his true feelings for the suffering, for the oppressed--and when we seek The Lord for who he is, God opens up a wellspring of love, joy, peace, and willingness to serve Him for eternity. I think my whole life I've always been striving for these things, trying to obtain them by study and perfectionism and complaining--but the answer has been staring me right in the face. And the answer is God's heart. As Mute Math says..."You are reaching something that is beating. I can't believe I never noticed my heart before. At least it was never until I noticed You." Isn't it a blessing and a privilege to serve The Most High? In simply seeing God's face, we are transformed. He shares his heart with us and grants us love, joy, peace and righteousness. We no longer have to condemn ourselves for feeling resentful, bitter, judgmental, self righteous, negative, or whatever, because it is no longer something that comes naturally since we are IN the Lord. Christianity is not striving for perfection. It is the privilege of being able to call Perfect your best friend, lover, protecter and King. How can we say no to that?

Read the incentives of intimacy with God (and share in the poetic beauty of The Bible, which is something I've never noticed until recently)--
Isaiah 60:1-5
"Arise, shine for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you. Nations will come to your light and kings to the brightness of your dawn. Lift up your eyes and look about you: all assemble and come to you; your sons come from afar, and your daughters are carried on the arm. Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy; the wealth on the seas will be brought to you, to you the riches of the nations will come."
18-22:
"No longer will violence be heard in your land, nor ruin or destruction within your borders, but you will call your walls Salvation and your gates Praise. The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory. Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; The Lord will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end. Then will all your people be righteous and they will possess the land forever. They are the shoot I have planted, the work of my hands, for the display of my splendor. The least of you will become a thousand, the smallest a might nation. I am the Lord; in its time I will do this swiftly."

How can we call Christianity a burden any longer? Christianity is anything but a burden. It's a privilege and an honor of being able to be intimate with the Creator of the Universe. He loves us and knows our names! He is fond of us. He weeps when we weep, he rejoices when we rejoice. He is the Wellspring of Life, and in him we can be confident that we shall be fully alive.

"It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me."-Galations 2:20
"The glory of God is man fully alive."-St. Iraneus

Go seek his heart! and have fun.

YWAM Salem, Fall DTS

2008-10-28T23:21:00.002-05:00

Sage Advice

2008-10-01T19:14:00.005-05:00

Think of God always.

A Good Lesson Learned

2008-09-25T23:58:00.004-05:00

A wise man once said...

"Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped in the heat of the summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the Lord'--and you forgave the guilt of my sin." Psalm 32:1-5

Aaron Weiss once said, "Find a friend, stay close with a melting heart and tell them whatever you're most ashamed of."

I highly recommend confession. Not just to God, but to people. There is so much freedom in being able to stand before God and people with a clean heart, harboring no iniquity. I don't think people realize how much unconfessed sin or animosity towards another person really affects the heart and soul. Look at that verse--"When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long". It's so true! Unconfessed issues are such heavy weights on the heart, and develop such deep roots in the soul. When your heart is clean and you have nothing to hide, you're able to receive and give love freely, without fear, because you are finally able to be who you really are, not someone you're pretending to be. Obviously this is something I just went through, so I'm recommending it to you and you and you. So, please, go find someone you can trust, and tell them the worst thing you've ever done. They'll understand and help you through it, as will God, and life will just be that much more beautiful.

In love and hope,
B

God is good.

2008-09-13T15:56:00.008-05:00

I think if I had to use one word to describe what has went on during this first couple weeks of the lecture phase, I would use the word "exposed". Never in my life have I felt so exposed for who I really am in such a short time, than in these past weeks.
For those of you who've read Blue Like Jazz, do you remember the chapter about Donald moving into a house in Portland with 6 other guys, after living all by himself out in the country? The transition for him was very difficult and mentally exhausting. I feel like that chapter is describing my life right now. I live in one room with 18 other girls. 18. I've spent the past 8 or so months, holed up in my room, only coming out to work my 9-5 job and to see a friend a few times a week. So for me, this type of living has been exhausting. But it's so beautiful at the same time. I'm building some amazing relationships, and light is being shed to the areas of my heart that I've been trying to keep hidden for quite some time. I'm learning that it's much better to be exposed for every aspect of who I am, the good and the bad, than trying to keep up with this ridiculous mask I've been wearing (and trying to perfect) for years on end. And finally, now that this mask is being torn down, I'm gaining the closeness with the Lord I've always wanted.
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised."-Proverbs 31:30
I'm really thankful I don't have to pretend anymore. I hated myself and it wasn't fun.
God is good, and I take comfort in knowing that will never be a lie.

Here are pictures of some adventures we've been having...

me, arielle, julia, ashley and anna

hawaiian tourist and WT american

me and the llama down the road

Julia, Arielle and Tohnya's birthday party

Beautiful Kelly playing us a song

International Love Feast

MMM.

Juuulia

More birthday party

prepped for the ropes course

the chapel

blackberry picking!

Ashley had this little cat toy with a massive mouth buried in the bottom of her purse, along with some stray skittles. when she pulled it out, it had one of the skittles lodged in its mouth. we pretty much laughed for like 15 minutes.

dorm girls

Facebook me to see a ridiculous amount of other pictures.

I love you,
Becky

I've arrived!

2008-09-07T15:53:00.004-05:00

Welp. I'm here!

Two things.

A. Oregon is beautiful. The sky is crystal clear, the temperature is perfect and the humidity is low. I'm not sure I've ever felt such a clean, dry breeze. Everything is green, green, green, just about to turn colors at the for the start of fall.

B. Oregon people are incredibly kind. Or maybe it's just the kids at the YWAM base and the church we went to this morning. Either way I feel very at home.

No adventures to speak of just yet, but I'm sure there will be in due time. Tonight at 6 we're doing some crazy intense ropes course in the hills around the base. Also, I found out we might be headed to Tibet for outreach. Eeeee! As most of you know, this is probably the #1 place in China I want to visit. One of the girls told me last time she was in Tibet, she was traveling somewhere on a bus and a Tibetian monk came and sat on her lap. Becky's dream come true? Yes.